This is going to be a long one… just so you are aware up front. ????
It’s been about two months now that I’ve been back home in Westbrook. I’ve been able to unpack my stuff and settle back into my space as best as possible for now. During this last year or so I’ve noticed how some of my relationships have changed… some indirectly and some directly related to this trip to Asia, my food tastes have changed, I bought a motorbike – a 300cc Honda Forza NSS300, my grip on being fastidiousness about cleanliness has lessened, I’m not caring so much for money, my eyes have been opened to different family values than what I had previous knowledge of, witnessing the transformation of the relationship to my own mortality… Oh, and my father is in the hospital again… I’m sure there is more. These are a few of the things that I’m noticing about myself as I continue to slowly find my way back home in both the figurative and literal sense.
I’m not sure how to use this blog moving forward. I set this blog up to help bring some meaning and understanding for myself as a reflective historic reference for my sabbatical. In 7 months, there was so much daily brand-new data input that its hard to remember everything. It also helped to keep the people who were worried about me informed that I am safe. There is the possibility for me to include personal information that I’m not sure I want plastered all over the internet. Then again… who the fuck really cares? Oh right… this is America where we judge people for their past and try to make them pay for what they may have done.
For the last couple of months, I’ve noticed that when I’ve been home in my space I’ve been spending most of my time at the dining table in the kitchen. This is something similar that I’ve gotten used to over the last bit of time, I have a room to sleep in that sometimes has a desk and sometimes the desk is the dining table. I’m sure it’s no surprise to anyone that knows me when I tell you that the kitchen has the highest concentration of “stuff” that I own. And the place where I have typically found myself most at home. As I continue to purge my stuff, the kitchen was an area that I did no purging to and it needs purging badly. Something that is on my summer to-do list.
I’m not sure what to make out of the changes to relationship. We continue to grow, and our relationships will transform along with us (hopefully). I realize the change is within me and my perspectives are being transformed. Being half way around the world and with the time difference also added to the equation. I’m trying to be with what is and not needing to understand or make sense out of the changes within myself, how others have changed, and how those changes have affected the “we” in the relationships. I’m exhausted just writing that when there is no truth to any of my perceived thoughts or understanding, it’s only my own mental masturbation. BLECH! And I notice when I begin to travel down that rabbit hole it gets really old pretty quick right now. HA! The word that comes to mind is “refined”.
Before I left for India I was dining out a lot. Currently, dining out does not really appeal to me. As I sit at my kitchen table writing this I think about what’s the next meal I’m going to make. Currently my diet consists of jasmine or basmati rice, dal made from different legumes, rice noodles, tofu, and fruits and vegetables. I bought a chicken to make vindaloo, all organic, antibiotic free, cage free, blah blah blah… and it tasted dry to me and unappealing. But the stir-fried okra and cauliflower curry really appeals to me. So, I guess meat isn’t all that appealing to me right now. I realize some of this relates to the ethical treatment of animals and the Buddha dharma of non-violence. While some of it is just personal taste.
While I was in Thailand and Cambodia I rented a 125cc scooter to get around with (not the one with the ducks) when I was staying in towns without good public transportation. There is a huge thriving scooter culture in Southeast Asia and India. Gasoline is about $4 a gallon which is expensive over there and these machines get about 100mpg which makes getting around on a scooter more economical. It’s a lot of fun to drive and I don’t have to pay any attention to shifting up and down the gear box like a yoyo. So, I bought what they call a “maxi-scooter” a 300cc automatic Honda Forza. I think this thing will pay for itself in just the savings of fuel riding at 65mpg. It’s a lot of fun to drive and it’ll ride all day at 50-60mph comfortably. They say it’ll go 90mph but that makes me nervous. And it’s not a noise and exhaust polluting huge motorcycle which I like. Fun Fun Fun
I was unsure how much to budget for my time away. Taking a year off work and relying on my savings which I thankfully have took some time to think about how much money I would need. I budgeted twice as much money than I thought I would need. Better that way than the other way around. I was able to do everything I wanted to do and even splurged on myself when the urge came up. It was amazing that I could eat this really fabulous food for under $3 for an entire a meal. The rooms I stayed in cost me $3-$30 a night. I used public transportation and different versions of Uber/Lift. As it turns out, I spent less money traveling than I would have staying home. Yes, you heard me correct. I’m really looking closely at where my money is going right now. I traded my $60/month Verizon mobile bill for another carrier @ $19/month. If you are interested in talking about mobile phone savings let me know so we all can save money. Things like that.
I take great pride in how I maintain the sanitary condition of my kitchens, both personally and professionally. After being in Asia and seeing the differences in how people keep their kitchens and street food carts clean my eyes were opened to what happens when you can sell any kind of food item you want that you cook in your own home make-shift kitchen. There is no consistent governmental regulation for health inspection in food service establishments. Let the consumer beware is how it goes. As I find myself spending time at my kitchen table I notice how I don’t wipe down my stove as frequently or sweep the floor as much as I used to. The term “cleanliness is next to godliness” has taken a different form. I’ll be interested to see how this translates to a professional kitchen. Probably not much in the big picture.
This trip was a HUGE bucket list for me, now fulfilled. Now what am I going to do with the rest of my life until I die? I just hit a 20-year anniversary at the college I work for and turned 50 years old. Am I really 5 years away from retirement? I’m not sure what my priorities are or where to put my focus. What is my purpose NOW? Fuck, this can be painful being directionless and sitting with the mystery of the unknown. I could almost feel complete with my life, yet once again. I remember this feeling of being “lost” several times in my life after big events such as this. Folks, this is not depression so put your mental health diagnosis away please. I haven’t locked myself in my home just yet.
As I have been home the last two months the topic of mortality has been in my face. From all the death rituals I’ve attended in India, Nepal and Thailand, the hospice volunteer work I do, to looking at my own family history of uncles and grandfathers with heart attacks and heart disease around my age, and now my father being in the hospital for the second time in a couple months. I visited a place where death and the conversation about death isn’t kept from the public eye as it is mostly here in the USA. Isn’t it funny that we are all on the same path to death and yet nobody really likes to talk about it?
I have to make my way to Colorado here very soon based on my own accord and not because anyone will ask that from me. I take that back, my mother asked me to go, which was actually a nice surprise. I have seen families that will camp out in hospitals when a member of the family is admitted supporting the person and not allowing anyone to lose sight of the family structure. These were not the family values I was brought up with and so my father sits in the hospital alone and by himself a lot of the time. Listen to what thoughts are coming up in your mind as you read this right now. Listen to which thoughts offer the most life, love and compassion towards all, versus pity, sympathy and aversion. Trust me… I go through my own roller coaster with this one. I know I will need some support as I traverse these unknown waters.
I can’t help but think about the isolation that occurs with men, me included, which I see so often in this super competitive and capitalist society in which we live. I realize that we all continue to make ongoing choices in life to live the lives that we want at every given moment… and then sometimes have regrets when we do not make the risky choices. If I want to embrace living a different personal values structure within myself instead of replaying the said given stories of the past, I need to continue to choose to give of myself, practice pointing my mind towards peacefulness, getting out of my own self-centered isolation, so I can FEEL EVERYTHING with non-attachment to my thoughts/feelings… to be in the fullness of presence with myself and in service to other. If this is to happen, then I cannot allow any of my past or history to effect how I want my current and future personal values to reflect in my life moving forward. Better that I wrote this out. Easier said than done.
So off to Colorado and into the mystery I go.
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