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19 Mar 2025

Remembering Jay – First Yahrzeit

by Maurice | posted in: Adventure, Death and Mortality, Family, Hospice, Loving Well | 0

I sit here and write this at “The Much Room Cafe” in Chiang Mai, Thailand. I like to come here because it has wide open space outdoors with big trees and a waterfall. But today something is different. I am listening to the sound of singing cicadas. A circadian rhythm, if you will. Long periods of silences, and then a sudden emergence and buzzing of life. Similar to grief, just when you think its quiet, grief rises again filling the air with an inescapable presence.

My Experience of Grief

One might think that after so many years working as a hospice volunteer, I would have more of my sh!t together. With the ability to manage my emotions, and my life’s responsibilities when it comes to loss, death and grief. But grief is messy and works on its own terms. And I know, and sometimes need a reminder, that no one truly has their “shit together” when dealing with deep loss such as the loss of a parent.

Even though my father died almost a year ago, the experience of grief over his death has not ended. I have learned over this time to live with the pain of his loss. Even in his absence, my relationship with him has continued to be a significant one. This first yahrzeit for my father will not mark the end of my grief, but will help contribute to a new relationship I have with my memories of him.

The Grief in Family Estrangements

I ask myself a lot… are my family estrangements normal? In both sides of my family, they seem to be more common than I want to admit. Maybe because nobody wants to talk about them openly. Or make the effort to resolve some of the differences.

Estrangement is a painful and sometimes even a necessary choice. Especially when the relationships are harmful, betraying or abusive. Maybe the fundamental differences of personal values have people growing/grown apart from each other.

Unlike the grief from the loss of my father, this grief is different. It is grief without closure. People are still alive, but the relationship is gone. Sometimes I feel shame and want to keep this a secret. Because people and societies deep and rich in family values pressure me to “fix it”.

Regardless how I may want to think this through. I do experience some relief. But I cannot deny there is also loneliness and hurt. Mourning the idea of family and the loss of my father.

Reconnect To Life

No one is prepared for the loss and the death of a parent. I remember the joys celebrating my father’s birthday and his encouragements for me to follow my dreams. Having encountered his death, I am different. In mourning over the last year and the feelings of loss and the grief, the process changed me. But, how?

One day, I called him and told him I was moving out of the country and to Thailand. A few days later he died unexpectedly. When I moved to Thailand, the tropics, I see a lot of butterflies. Something in my mind made me think of him when I saw one. And it continues to this day.

By seeing the butterfly and thinking of my father I wonder what is the message I need to hear… or want to hear? His quiet presence says he is still with me. Maybe I need to pay closer attention to life’s signs and sensations and be more present to the things that stir something deep inside of me. Transformation and change are part of life, including painful ones. That even though he is gone, beauty still finds its way to me.

Understanding all this and trying to have all the answers, is the “booby prize”, one of my teachers said. Maybe the butterfly isn’t about solving something but just feeling something. A reconnection to life. A fullness of presence. A reminder that he mattered, that he still does, that he still moves through my world in ways I can’t always explain.

The Stories of Remembering

First, I want to bring back a memory of my father that I want to remember and share. For years after I was divorced, I went through a period of time searching, learning and healing. This process brought me to workshops, seminars, retreat centers, and ashrams. My family became concerned about the quantity of time I was spending at a “retreat center”. They all communicated to me they felt I had joined a cult and was becoming brainwashed. Of course, I had to laugh and at the same time felt their concern.

My parents were separated or divorced at this time. I was visiting my father in Colorado and sitting with him at the table. We were talking about his concern about me and the cult I may have joined. I expressed genuine gratitude for his concern and wanted to explain some things to ease his mind.

As we sat there with me talking (you know I like to talk, right?), my father began to drift off to sleep at the table. My first reaction was to get upset. But I learned enough over this time… the “first thought wrong” concept works well here. I interrupted this first thought program and attempted to install another perspective.

My father, not much of a deep philosophical thinker or in touch with his inner emotions was trying very hard to be present and listen to me. Although this particular brain or emotional muscle of his was not exercised a lot in his life. During this conversation, what I was telling him was asking him to think and feel a little differently. Exercising the muscle he did not have a lot of experience with.

I could feel his willingness to be present and learn about me. Even with his limited capacity. My frustration in the situation changed dramatically. I began to see him differently. He was trying very hard to stay with me, but didn’t have the life experience to relate to me. So, he began to drift off. During his drifting in and out, he did say something to me that I remember… “I am so proud of you, Maury”. I learned that being in relationship (with him) is more important than any negative thoughts or feelings I could possibly experience about someone.

A Small Request from My Heart

In Jewish tradition, the first yahrzeit marks the one-year anniversary of a loved one’s passing—a time to reflect, light a candle in their honor, and share memories to keep their essence alive. Remembering and speaking of those we’ve lost helps keep their presence alive in our hearts.

As I navigate life without my father, Jay Leavitt, I find comfort in keeping his spirit alive through the memories we all hold of him. If you knew him, if he touched your life in any way, I would love to hear your stories.

If you feel moved to share, please take a moment to write a memory—whether in the comments, on a blog, in an email, through a call, or even a video chat. However feels right for you. Your words, no matter how small, will mean the world to me.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for helping me honor my father’s memory and keep his spirit with us, even for just a moment. 💙

The Thing Is

to love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it

and everything you’ve held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes,

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you, again.

by Ellen Bass, from Mules of Love

9 Mar 2025

Divided No More – Part 2

by Maurice | posted in: Compassion, Eros, Family, Masculine and Feminine | 0

I have written a couple of pieces about how I was living a split and divided life. This division within me started as a child inside a framework of generational expectations which I was unable to fulfill. Moved to societal expectations that liked to dictate gender roles. Into sexual norms that I was unable to fit into. Finally, into my career in academia where I grew out of what would be considered teaching norms.

My first exposure to this concept of “divided no more” was from Parker Palmer who wrote, “An Undivided Life: Seeking Wholeness in Ourselves, Our Work & Our World”. This is a great video where Parker talks about how as human beings we are born whole, integral, with no distinction between what’s going on inside of us and what’s going on outside

I was able to maintain these split identities. With varying degrees of success. Not really being a people pleaser in my life but, as a way of keeping the peace. For myself and for others.

25 Years In Academia

There was a point in my teaching career where I began to see the division between student/teacher more of a hindrance. The power struggle and hierarchy that separated the student teacher relationship because of the grading / performance evaluations that teachers needed to do to determine competency. I had very few experiences as a student where my teacher was genuinely interested in sharing of themselves in support of their students growth. Instead, the teacher stood in front of the class, keeper of the knowledge. Ready to impart the information when the time was appropriate.

With student centered learning and competency-based education taking forefront, I knew it was my time to make the changes I wanted to. A-F grading scale became less important for me as a performance indicator. It wasn’t the best show of cooking technique that should get the highest grade. It was the preparation, focus and recovery from mistakes that dictate our performance and which deserved my grade of “A”.

Anyone can learn to do anything they want on youtube. With the right determination and discipline, anything is possible. Teachers no longer hold the power and the information for students to learn. I began to give the power to learn cooking back to the students. Telling them the only thing that separates me from them is years of experience. I became a guide and mentor more than someone who felt responsible for my students perceived success.

The academic system continues to hold teachers responsible for the success of their students. Which I did not agree with at all. Everyone learns at their own pace and some need more practice than others. I invited all my students to show up early and stay after class so they can get the practice they wanted. I encouraged my students to know for themselves how well they were doing in the class. That cooking and learning any trade took lots of practice. They needed to do their own self-evaluation as I guided them to know when they were being too hard on themselves or thinking they are performing better than they actually are.

There were students who continued to think I was responsible for how well they performed sautéing a piece of chicken. When students didn’t perform well they blamed me, the recipe, the equipment, everything but looking at themselves. This was the big shift in my teaching. To remove much of the grsupport my students as a guide and mentor. Handing over the responsibility for their own discipline towards mastery back to them.

The Family

Jewish boys are supposed to become doctors or lawyers. Was the thing that was told to me as a child. That was something I heard many times from my grandmother. But I loved cooking and wanted to be a chef. Jewish boys do not work in the kitchen and become a chef. I was told I would never amount to anything for myself if this was the career path I would choose. The reality was that I was supported to study the subjects I wanted in higher education. Because it was the education that was important and not necessarily the career path that was chosen.

I realized this particular family dynamic around money and career was highly active in my family. I am not aware of much of the dynamic on my father’s side of the family because there wasn’t much interaction with them. However, when my father got wind that I was being guilted into other forms of thinking or behaving, it was some of the only times in my life I saw him get angry.

My father encouraged me to follow my dream regardless of the obstacles that were placed in front of me. He was one of those quintessential starving artist types. Sometimes struggling to make a living and quitting jobs on a whim when they just weren’t a good fit for him.

Gender Roles

I was born a male. I identify as a male. I mostly enjoy being a male too. But I do get tired of the stereotypes of what a “good man” is supposed to be. As men, we are supposed to have ambition, a drive for success, a good work ethic and develop mastery in our fields of choice. Be self-reliant. Have physical strength and mental toughness. Exhibit emotional control. And be a good provider to the family.

Traditional masculinity taught me to be stoic and emotionally detached. A more modern perspective encourages men to be more in touch with their emotions. Openly expressive to foster deeper connections. There is also a growing expectation for men to be emotionally present and responsive to their partners, not just sexually engaged. This new way of being for men also asks women to develop different relational skills to be in relationship with men.

It was tiring of being stereotyped into playing the gender role I was born into. Being a man today isn’t about dominance and resilience. It’s about a balanced expression of power, care, wisdom and depth. A man isn’t just about fighting battles but knowing when to stand firm and knowing when to embrace vulnerability. It’s not about power “over”, but power “with”.

The gender roles continue to be shifting. Within professional business realms, intimate relationships and in sexuality. Women have become more autonomous which has shifted relational expectations. The rise of unrestricted gender roles in relationships means expectations are more collaborative rather than transactional. Although there are still cultures in the world where traditional gender roles are still the cultural norm.

Masculine Sexuality

Culture, society and religion have shaped the norms for masculine sexuality. The role of male sexuality in heterosexual relationships has shifted significantly due to the changes from social, cultural and psychological influences. It wasn’t long after I hit puberty that I realized I did not fit into what the culture was emphasizing about male sexuality.

As a young man I found a lot of my self-worth and identity in my sexual prowess and virility. In modern consumerist society where advertising and marketing are in our faces, men are prone to unrealistic body image and self-perception standards set by the media and online pornography. This encourages me to be more open to discussions around performance anxiety, erectile dysfunction, and body image. This is no different than what is happening for the female gender around similar issues.

The #MeToo movement is reshaping how men navigate sexual interactions based on whole-hearted consent. There is a stronger focus on ongoing, consensual sex and mutual pleasure. I continue to learn to practice communicating my needs and listening to my partners’ needs in ways that were never talked about in the family or taught in schools.

The use of technology and the internet has drastically changed dating and sexual dynamics. It has made casual sex and hookups more accessible and shifting commitment philosophies. Monogamous relationships are no longer the only relationship style to choose from. Internet pornography never says “no” and can lead to unrealistic standards and values. Let’s be real… how many women like to have a man ejaculate on their face?

“Erotophobia” & Our Hidden Sexuality

My sexuality has been one of the biggest parts I compartmentalized due to my own fears and the many public facing roles I had for a quarter century. I have a long history of being a public figure as a culinary arts teacher and administrator at a government run college. I needed to project a certain image of my own sexuality in the public eye. While at the same time I was living a very different reality in my private life.

As I was navigating the changes to my own relationship to my sexuality. I felt I needed to present a “respectable” sexual identity – heterosexual, monogamous, and family-oriented. I was afraid if I strayed from this image, I would lose my government teaching job. Even if I was doing nothing unethical. I truly believed I needed to exhibit a certain public morality and struggled with the fear of my private desires and activities being exposed. For many years I lived a divided and split identity.

This did not stop me from exploring my own sexuality and having my own adventures. In the back of my mind, I was always concerned about running into a student or colleague during my pursuits. If I was exposed, would someone publicly condemn me for certain behaviors of mine while I was engaging in them privately?

For about 15 years I was able to keep a split identity. Maurice, with a public profile as a culinary arts teacher (still up on the website as I publish this). At the same time keeping a separate identity as Isaiah, (will be a broken link soon) a sex worker and educator. Now that I am retired from my job, I no longer have to worry about it. This is the last of my “divided no more” lifestyle. As I write this I am no longer doing this edgy work and it no longer holds a charge inside myself. Maybe because I am just another middle aged guy going through his own mid-life process?

Diversity is Unity – Unity is Diversity

How / why did humans make up the division and distinction between nature and humanity, between god and “man”? Many philosophical and religious traditions have supported certain dualistic views. Asserting that reality is fundamentally divided into two distinct and irreducible categories, such as God vs. Creation, Mind vs. Body, Good vs. Evil, among others. At the same time there many other philosophical teachings that support a non-dual way of existence. Revolving around the idea the supposed separation between self and reality, subject and object, is an illusion created by the mind, and therefore, there exists only one undivided reality. Whether non-duality or dualism is “true” depends on how each of us define truth and how we want to experience reality. That is the big unanswerable question.

Non-duality excludes nothing; it contains both unity and diversity, one and many, identity and separation, god and man. Dualism makes the separation between individualism and collectivism, the body and mind, and man from nature. Dualism seems to exhibit to be true in our everyday experience as we see ourselves as separate from others and good and evil seem distinctly different. Many believe duality is just an illusion of the mind, and when you inquire deeply, you realize there is only one reality and we are all deeply connected.

Japanese Buddhism expresses the concept of diversity / unity in the formula Byōdō (平等) Soku (即) Shabetsu (差別), and its reverse opposite of, Shabetsu Soku Byōdō—unity in (is) diversity and diversity in (is) unity. This reflects the idea that oneness does not deny multiplicity, and multiplicity does not deny oneness. This aligns with concepts like: Form is emptiness, emptiness is form, (from the Heart Sutra), and the idea of dependent origination, where all things arise in relation to each other.

This concept beautifully expresses the paradoxical (divisional) relationship between unity and diversity. Byōdō (平等) means “equality”—the idea that all beings are fundamentally the same, often in the sense of Buddhist teachings on emptiness and universal Buddha-nature. Shabetsu (差別) means “distinction”—the recognition that individuals have unique characteristics, roles, and differences. Soku (即) means “is” or “precisely”—indicating that equality and distinction are not separate but interdependent.

This phrase represents and suggests that true unity does not erase or create a division between our individual differences. Rather, real harmony comes from acknowledging both our sameness and our uniqueness simultaneously. It resonates with collectivism in that individuals exist within the whole, yet it also respects individuality. For this reason, philosophically, morally, and spiritually, Buddhism is called the Middle Way. It’s not about the division between dual or non-dual. It’s become the union between them both.

Find and embrace the unity in our diversity… and honor and respect the diversity in our equality.

Life is one, said the Buddha, and the Middle Way to the end of suffering in all its forms is that which leads to the end of the illusion of separation, which enables man to see, as a fact, as clear as sunlight, that all mankind, and all other forms in manifestation are one unit, the infinitely variable appearances of an indivisible Whole.
– Christmas Humphreys

21 Feb 2025

Vulnerability as Surrender

by Maurice | posted in: Compassion, Heart Opening, Personal Growth, Relationship, Spirituality, The Human Condition | 0

I have been on a search for universal truths that all humans experience and can relate to. I have also been curious about how the emotion of vulnerability relates to dual/nondual concepts. Especially in how vulnerability relates to self and other, control and surrender, separation and unity.

But after my visit to Machu Pichu and learning about the Inca tradition, I was relieved to be learning about how duality naturally reflects the human condition and how humans experience the world. Our minds are wired to perceive distinctions—self and other, good and bad, past and future. This dualistic way of thinking helps us survive, make decisions, and navigate reality.

As curious as I was about the non-dual philosophy, I knew that wasn’t the only real answer. Neither was a pure dualistic way of thinking. The human condition isn’t rigid. It allows for adaptation, ambivalence, indecision, growth, and much nuance. We are never locked into a single way of being. Instead, we have the capacity to evolve, to redefine ourselves, and to navigate uncertainty. In as much as I do believe we are all the same, I also believe the paths to our evolution is vast.

There needs to be room made for each of us to have our own experiences. To be present with our own suffering. Discovering our unique selves. To experience and break away from the vulnerability cycles in our lives.

The Vulnerability Cycle

The “Vulnerability Cycle” is a concept coined by Mona Fishbane in neuropsychology and relationships. It explains how every person in a relationship has past emotional wounds or insecurities. The cycle begins when one partner feels hurt, insecure, or unsafe, they react in a way that triggers the other partner’s wounds. Both partners keep reacting from this old place instead of resolving the issue.

I was a witness to my parents’ unique vulnerability cycle as well as in my own marriage. It’s been a fascinating topic for me in my life because I wanted to stop the generational trauma cycles in my life. It also fits well in this conversation about vulnerability and dual/non-dual theories.

One of the most common cycles I see and experience is the openness / generosity that comes from love and the contraction / withdrawal that comes from protection. When someone feels their love is not being ignored, they become critical of the other (“you don’t love me like I love you”). The other person then feels attacked and withdraws to protect themselves. The persons insecurity deepens, and they get angrier and more critical which leads to more shutdown by the other.

I find this kind of relational suffering cycle is normal between two people in the beginning. Eventually, being able to step back, slow down and be a witness to ourselves becomes the work. Not to be controlled by our built-in reactions. True resilience isn’t about avoiding pain but being open to the experience, without being dominated by it. The Middle Way teaches that we flow with life instead of fighting or collapsing under it.

Vulnerability is not a weakness. Accepting the reality of our past and our trigger points without trying to force ourselves on the other or hide through our contraction. Vulnerability becomes the doorway to deeper compassion and understanding of each other. By accepting vulnerability, we see reality clearly without trying to force control or escape discomfort.

Duality: Vulnerability is Exposure

In the dualistic theory, we see ourselves as separate beings. Separate from each other and from nature. Distinctly unique from others and the world. We all have a unique self. Bringing different qualities in our personalities and our own special gifts to give to the world.

This perceived sense of separation makes vulnerability seem risky. Because if I open myself up I will be judged, abandoned and hurt. So we build defenses… mental constructs, emotional distancing and physical isolation. Building defenses to protect ourselves. Reinforcing the illusion of an independent self.

In this context, vulnerability is seen as weakness. Because our exposure opens us to potential harm from “the other”.

Non-duality: Vulnerability is Flow of Life

In the non-dual perspective, the idea of a separate self is the illusion. Instead of existing as isolated individuals, the concept is that we are all deeply interconnected. Suggesting that the boundaries we perceive between self and other, subject and object – are all our mental fabrications.

If there is no fundamental boundary between “me” and “you,” then vulnerability is not exposure, but openness to the flow of life. If these illusions of separateness can dissolve, what remains is a direct experience of unity, where we all experience the same underlying reality.

Instead of fearing loss or rejection, vulnerability becomes a way to experience unity and presence. as the struggles and fears associated with maintaining a separate identity begin to lose their grip. Instead of trying to “become” something, non-duality invites us to accept that we already are whole, complete, and part of the flow of life.

Non-duality helps us reframe vulnerability. Not as a personal risk, but as a natural state of being—a surrender to what is, rather than an attempt to control it.

The Middle Way: Building the Vulnerability Bridge

There is a middle way. There must be. There is no single way to exist in this world that works for everyone. There are only a few saints in the existence of the world like Mother Theresa and the Dalai Lama who lived their lives open as love 100% of the time. Just as there are only a few humans who have lived their lives in great fear and violence.

Vulnerability can feel unbearable in a dualistic mindset when we believe others will be thinking badly of us or abandoning the relationship. This can lead to avoiding conversations and situations. In attempt to control the outcome.

In a non-dual approach, it’s possible to dismiss vulnerability altogether. As we say to ourselves, “If there is no self, who is there to be vulnerable?” But, we cannot deny the appearance of the human condition where our feelings of vulnerability still arise. Dismissing vulnerability outright can sometimes be a form of “spiritual bypassing,” using philosophy to avoid engaging with real emotions.

A more integrated approach embraces both perspectives. From the absolute view, there is no separate self. From the relative and human perspective, vulnerability is part of the dance of life. In this way, vulnerability is both a challenge of duality and a path to non-duality. To help us transcend our ideas of separation without denying our human experience.

Strength in Vulnerability

Vulnerability isn’t a weakness or isolative or a disappearing act. It’s the courage to be fully present with what is. It’s about showing up fully, without defenses, and being present with whatever arises. It’s not a sign of weakness but a deep act of courage. Allowing ourselves to be seen, to feel, to be present, and to engage with life openly.

Whether we choose to see vulnerability through a dual or non-dual lens, vulnerability is about meeting life as it unfolds before our eyes, without armor or resistance.

Vulnerability is both… the pain of separation and the doorway to unity.

12 Feb 2025

The First 6 Months In Thailand

by Maurice | posted in: Adventure, Personal Growth, Retirement | 0

It’s hard to believe how time fly’s by sometimes and it’s been over three months since I have posted a piece of writing. Have now been in Thailand for 7 months. With all of life’s trials and tribulations. The expression, “wherever you go, there you are” has become a large voice. So have the words adapt, acclimate and assimilate.

I went from a westernized, capitalistic, highly regulated, hyper-independent culture to a developing country halfway around the world with different ethics around family values, work/economy and personal engagements (saving face). Even through some of my own head twisting confusions, I still wake up every morning happy to be here in this chapter of my life.

Societal Values

Things really don’t get started here in Chiang Mai until about 10-11a. It’s the time when most of the shops open. It gives people enough time to get their children to school and prepare for the workday. Many children go to work with their parents. Taken care of by all the people as the “day care”. Children play an important role here in societal structure.

Many times, I get asked if I worry about living alone. I am 56 and considered “old” according to Thai culture. I don’t have any children to take care of me if/when I get sick. A vulnerable aspect for Thai culture is being alone, without children at old age. I will call that a Thai’ism. Children are seen as a source of wealth for the family. To pass on the family business and to care for the elders in the family. Being alone is sometimes considered a weakness.

If you are interested in reading more about this, this is a good blog explaining more of this.

The Slow & Simple Life

Going from a full-time job, real estate rental property, many side hustles, a rich and full social life… to a “FULL STOP” … no job, no real-estate ownership, no real social life … has had its ups and downs. I do miss some of my kitchen toys from time to time. Completely enjoying the simplicity of life that comes with little responsibilities, not having many personal belongings, and can choose to do what I want. Although sometimes the solitude can be hard to sit with. What I miss most is my friends and community. Although I am building my own here slowly.

Thailand makes it simple to live here for a foreigner. Immigration retirement visa rules are straightforward. Can hire a visa agent which will make the process way easier and less time consuming. I got my Thailand driver’s license (motorcycle and car). Opened a bank account. Rented a quiet 2br home on a dead-end street in a gated community. I know all the local markets and see the same sellers at them all. Cooking this yummy food is dreamy. I don’t eat out a lot and am happy to support the locals in the markets and avoid going to the supermarket at all costs.

I bought a secondhand bicycle and fixed it up so I can ride often. I do my best to keep somewhat of a daily practice. Consisting of walking, sitting (need to do more of), cycling, local markets, cooking, hanging out with a couple friends or video calls back home. What hobbies I will pick back up again, I am not sure. I see some soap making in the future.

No Money No Honey – The Transactional Relationship

The phrase “no money, no honey” is an expression often associated with relationships or transactional dynamics. It generally implies that financial resources are a prerequisite for receiving affection, companionship, or attention, particularly in contexts like nightlife or dating involving economic exchanges. One of the expressions I learned is “foreigner wife for sale”, meaning foreigners buy their wives. Nothing is free in our capitalist world.

While some relationships involve genuine emotional connections, others hinge on the expectation of financial stability or support. “Mia Farang” (foreign wife) relationships between Thai women and foreign men can include an element of financial exchange or security. Mia farang is understood as a Thai woman in a relationship with foreign men (White/Caucasian), be it as a casual partner, a lawfully wedded wife, or a mistress. The term is known to be implicitly derogatory. However, Mia Farang is used in such a way that it shows a mode of struggle as well as its more contemporary meaning by which these women can be praised, too, if they succeed.

Attitudes towards transactional relationships vary. Some people view them as a necessary means of survival or mutual benefit, especially when many relationships are driven by income inequality. Others attach stigma, particularly if the relationship is overtly financial.

Among Thais, maintaining “face” (reputation and social respect) influences how these relationships are perceived and discussed publicly. Many relationships exist on a spectrum between transactional and traditional, with mutual benefit and genuine affection often coexisting.

Saving-Face

This particular concept of “Saving face” refers to preserving one’s reputation, dignity, and social standing in the eyes of others. I am completely fascinated by how the culture is driven by this concept. Saving face, involves avoiding embarrassment, shame, or conflict that could damage personal or collective respect. Thai culture places a high value on maintaining peace and harmony. Avoiding confrontation or situations that could cause someone to “lose face” helps preserve these values.

“Saving Face” affects social behavior in several ways. Thais tend to avoid direct criticism, confrontation, or public disputes, as these could cause someone to lose face. Indirect communication or polite phrasing is often used instead. Actions or words are chosen carefully to ensure that no one is humiliated or put in an uncomfortable position. This extends to professional, social, and family contexts. When mistakes occur, individuals often apologize indirectly or deflect blame to minimize face loss for themselves or others.

Certain actions or circumstances, such as financial struggles, family issues, or engagement in frowned-upon professions (e.g., nightlife work), carry stigma. Affected individuals may go to great lengths to hide these situations to save face. Thai society often expects individuals to meet social norms regarding behavior, success, and morality. Falling short can lead to judgment or ostracism. Gossip plays a significant role in reinforcing social norms and stigma. Fear of being the subject of negative gossip can further pressure individuals to maintain appearances.

Essentially, saving face restricts people from showing their true emotions due to the idea that it displays weakness, that in the past may have led to social rejection. The emphasis on saving face can lead to suppressed emotions, as individuals avoid expressing anger, disappointment, or vulnerability. People may hesitate to seek help for personal issues, mental health, or financial problems due to fear of stigma or face loss. In personal relationships, saving face might sometimes prevent open communication or the resolution of deeper issues.

Deflection As Protection

My survival pattern of “deflection” fits perfectly into this “saving face” concept. Deflection works in Thai society by avoiding blame or confrontation, helps maintain positive relationships and prevents resentment. Deflection can look like not being able to receive affection, love or a compliment because someone believes it is not true or fake. Thai culture values peace and consensus. Deflection prevents situations that could disrupt group harmony. Public acknowledgment of failure or wrongdoing can be deeply shaming. Deflection protects against this and allows a graceful way out of uncomfortable situations.

But there are some potential downsides of deflection. Deflection can lead to unresolved issues or misunderstandings, because problems are not addressed directly. Indirect communication is confusing to people unfamiliar with Thai cultural norms, especially foreigners like me accustomed to directness. In professional or organizational settings, deflection can hinder accountability and transparency.

One deflection mechanism is the offering of unsolicited advice. When someone is expressing emotion or feeling, or some hardship, the unsolicited advice comes from others to solve the “problem”. But when we are sharing ourselves like this, there really isn’t any problem at all, only someone trying to talk about their life. Not many people realize how deflecting from the topic by offering unsolicited advice creates a distance and hierarchy between two people. It does not help the individual deal with the issues directly. Listening and empathy skills are the antidote to this. Let each other find our own answers.

The Whiner

As you can probably see and read, my writing isn’t all full of glitter and warm fuzzies. I had someone (Thai person) point out to me that I can be a “whiner”. My inner critic can get the best of me and then be a projection of my internal world. It completely goes against the Thai cultural concept of “saving face”.

There are plenty of cultural differences that have me scratching my head and kinda confused at times. This can sometimes be perceived as me complaining or criticizing. Which is something this culture is sensitive to. I am much more attuned to speak what is happening in my psyche, rather than masking it and word-smithing it to save face. I can see where I might get labelled as a whiner.

Here’s a few pictures to help you get an idea of some of the head scratchy things…

On the upside, people who experience me and my straightforwardness also take a breath of fresh air. Because what I speak is what most people are afraid to speak. Many people are not used to being in front of the critical eye. They also realize it can be for the good of the situation and make things better. Rather than brush stuff under the carpet, only to come out sideways later.

The Food

Oh, My, God…. The FOOD!

After 7 months of living here, the local markets have not gotten old at all. I did have to make some adjustments. At first, I was going to the local markets all the time and my refrigerator had enough food for a family of four for days. I had fun cooking and giving food away to my neighbors. Had to limit my market shopping so I could go more frequently and just not buy too much. How is it possible to spend under $15 and have the freshest farm to table fruits and vegetables for days?

“Did you eat your rice today?”, a traditional way of greeting each other here in Thailand. Food plays an integral part in the societal structure. I was honored to be interviewed on my friend’s Way’s cultural perspective podcast.

All In All….

With all the up’s and down’s its been a wonderful beginning here in Thailand. Waking up every morning here makes me happy. Not being in the crazy ‘merikkkhan political mess brings me great pleasure. Adjusting my ways of life and my thinking has been some of the challenge. I am thrilled to be living a minimalist life with very few belongings.

Onward!

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