Oh Daddy….
posted in: Family, Love, Relationship, Spiritual
0
I’m not really sure about this piece of writing and putting it on my blog. There are people in my family who think this is a private family matter and information should never leave the mouths of family members to the ears of anyone outside the family like this. I certainly do not agree with that and I am also unsure about how public I want my life to be on the internet. I think some of my family, like my cousin Steve and Debbie appreciates learning about this. I started a caring bridge website for my father and was told to take it down. Is this an issue of loyalty to the family? Is being proactive such a bad thing? By putting information out on the internet like this am I betraying some people in my family who think I should not be doing that?
| Oh Daddy – Fleetwood Mac
If I could make you see If there’s been a fool around It’s got to be me Yes, it’s got to me Why are you right when I’m so wrong I’m so weak but you’re so strong Everything you do is just alright And I can’t walk away from you
|
It’s been two months since I’ve returned from Asia and its been two years since I’ve seen my father in Colorado. My father just had outpatient surgery that left him in the hospital for two weeks following some complications and is now in a rehab facility to regain his strength with the intention of coming home. I decided that it was time for me to come to Colorado again. Not because my father was asking me to come to see him. Not because it is something that I want to do. But, because it was something I felt I needed to do. I sit here filled with a whole gamut of feelings and emotions in my father’s monster size home (5br-4bath~4000sqft) filled with all kinds of art and stuff for the senses…alone and by myself… just as my father chose to make this period of life for himself. Respectfully, honoring his choices while choosing to be silent, in disagreement about how some things are being handled.
This isn’t a matter of right and wrong. Got it?
After 12 hours of travel and 2500 miles I make my way to the rehab facility where my father is staying. I peek into his room and he is eating dinner by himself. As I walk into his room, I stop in front of him and he looks at me… OMG he says… he had no idea I was coming… and we sit there looking into each other’s eyes with no words. No words needed to be said. He is in a wheelchair and needs a walker to help him balance when he walks. He is weak and has a hard time climbing out of bed on his own. I remind myself that I’m here to show my support for him and for my brother and the people that are helping to care for him. This is NOT an opportunity for me to push my way in to make sure things happen the way I want them to.
I went to visit my father on my second day. This time he was sleeping in his chair. I took off my shoes and climbed into his bed and waited for him to wake up. Eventually, his physical therapist walked in and woke him and was kind enough to give us 20min together before his appointment. I tried to engage with him by asking questions that needed a bit of an explanation and not yes/no. He continues to struggle to find his words to express his thoughts and then will eventually give up and move on to a completely different topic. Dementia is working hard on him and I can see the decline from two years ago when I last saw him.
It is terribly sad for me to see the life being drained out of my father. Seeing him first hand like firsthand while matching my experience up to the information I had received verbally because I do not live here in Colorado. I have been told my father is displaying a lack of interest in doing much of anything, no drive to continue to do art, doesn’t want to walk or do his home physical therapy, doesn’t want to be outside, sleeps excessively, watches MSNBC all the time, takes pride in not bathing, ungrateful, will not clean up after himself, nighttime incontinence, and displays a general disdain towards beliefs that are not in agreement with his. This is not the happy go lucky father I’ve known most of my life. And I know this is the disease taking over the mind of my father. Feeling everything while separating myself from my emotions in order to extend love and peace is the only practice for me right now.
My father has been insulated from my brother and I by a couple of his friends who are living with him and caring for him for the last couple of years. Cooking, cleaning, driving, shopping, coordinating appointments, etc… they really love my father and I am grateful for them and communicate that to them regularly. I appreciate these people so much for all that they are doing for him. There is a little bit of a problem though. My brother and I are not getting all the information about my father. We are not being told when he gets into car accidents, is so weak that he needs help to get up from the toilet, his incontinence, etc. I completely understand that by not communicating to my brother and I they think they are preserving a level of freedom for my father. Which they are. Nobody wants their freedoms taken away because their body can no longer perform those functions. And I can understand why they are doing what they are doing. What I explained to them is that by not being transparent in communicating, they are making things more challenging for my brother and I. My hope is that they can understand some of this and we can try to do things a little bit differently.
I think my father is completely clueless to all of this due to his dementia. He seems to be ok where he is and how he is being cared for right now… and that’s a good thing. And I can see things may need to take a drastic change that he may not like one bit.
There is a bit of a holding pattern at the moment. Waiting to see how my father takes to his rehabilitation and if he can regain enough strength to return home. And should he return home, how to care for him the best. Right now, he seems to like all the attention at the rehab facility and his needs are getting catered to. His friends are going to Mexico for some respite and will think about how they might want to participate in my father’s care moving forward. He is needing more and more attention and lots of help with daily activities and they are getting burnt out.
In the meantime, I’m trying to figure out how I can best help out here. My father’s home is almost 30 years old and is showing signs of needing maintenance as all aging homes do. I’m going to try to help here as much as I can. Sometimes I get confused and emotional and cannot find the thread of thought in my mind or heart that shows me why I am here. I sometimes need gentle reminders to keep an open mind and heart. This is part of the law of nature, everything is impermanent… including our bodies returning to the earth. I know this can be peaceful and I am determined to make it that way for myself and everyone else that may be interested in doing so.
Breathing in…. Breathing out… (Time to clean out the hot-tub ????)
It’s Slow Going…
posted in: Personal Growth, Relationship, Sabbatical, Spiritual, The Human Condition
0
This is going to be a long one… just so you are aware up front. ????
It’s been about two months now that I’ve been back home in Westbrook. I’ve been able to unpack my stuff and settle back into my space as best as possible for now. During this last year or so I’ve noticed how some of my relationships have changed… some indirectly and some directly related to this trip to Asia, my food tastes have changed, I bought a motorbike – a 300cc Honda Forza NSS300, my grip on being fastidiousness about cleanliness has lessened, I’m not caring so much for money, my eyes have been opened to different family values than what I had previous knowledge of, witnessing the transformation of the relationship to my own mortality… Oh, and my father is in the hospital again… I’m sure there is more. These are a few of the things that I’m noticing about myself as I continue to slowly find my way back home in both the figurative and literal sense.
I’m not sure how to use this blog moving forward. I set this blog up to help bring some meaning and understanding for myself as a reflective historic reference for my sabbatical. In 7 months, there was so much daily brand-new data input that its hard to remember everything. It also helped to keep the people who were worried about me informed that I am safe. There is the possibility for me to include personal information that I’m not sure I want plastered all over the internet. Then again… who the fuck really cares? Oh right… this is America where we judge people for their past and try to make them pay for what they may have done.
For the last couple of months, I’ve noticed that when I’ve been home in my space I’ve been spending most of my time at the dining table in the kitchen. This is something similar that I’ve gotten used to over the last bit of time, I have a room to sleep in that sometimes has a desk and sometimes the desk is the dining table. I’m sure it’s no surprise to anyone that knows me when I tell you that the kitchen has the highest concentration of “stuff” that I own. And the place where I have typically found myself most at home. As I continue to purge my stuff, the kitchen was an area that I did no purging to and it needs purging badly. Something that is on my summer to-do list.
I’m not sure what to make out of the changes to relationship. We continue to grow, and our relationships will transform along with us (hopefully). I realize the change is within me and my perspectives are being transformed. Being half way around the world and with the time difference also added to the equation. I’m trying to be with what is and not needing to understand or make sense out of the changes within myself, how others have changed, and how those changes have affected the “we” in the relationships. I’m exhausted just writing that when there is no truth to any of my perceived thoughts or understanding, it’s only my own mental masturbation. BLECH! And I notice when I begin to travel down that rabbit hole it gets really old pretty quick right now. HA! The word that comes to mind is “refined”.
Before I left for India I was dining out a lot. Currently, dining out does not really appeal to me. As I sit at my kitchen table writing this I think about what’s the next meal I’m going to make. Currently my diet consists of jasmine or basmati rice, dal made from different legumes, rice noodles, tofu, and fruits and vegetables. I bought a chicken to make vindaloo, all organic, antibiotic free, cage free, blah blah blah… and it tasted dry to me and unappealing. But the stir-fried okra and cauliflower curry really appeals to me. So, I guess meat isn’t all that appealing to me right now. I realize some of this relates to the ethical treatment of animals and the Buddha dharma of non-violence. While some of it is just personal taste.
While I was in Thailand and Cambodia I rented a 125cc scooter to get around with (not the one with the ducks) when I was staying in towns without good public transportation. There is a huge thriving scooter culture in Southeast Asia and India. Gasoline is about $4 a gallon which is expensive over there and these machines get about 100mpg which makes getting around on a scooter more economical. It’s a lot of fun to drive and I don’t have to pay any attention to shifting up and down the gear box like a yoyo. So, I bought what they call a “maxi-scooter” a 300cc automatic Honda Forza. I think this thing will pay for itself in just the savings of fuel riding at 65mpg. It’s a lot of fun to drive and it’ll ride all day at 50-60mph comfortably. They say it’ll go 90mph but that makes me nervous. And it’s not a noise and exhaust polluting huge motorcycle which I like. Fun Fun Fun
I was unsure how much to budget for my time away. Taking a year off work and relying on my savings which I thankfully have took some time to think about how much money I would need. I budgeted twice as much money than I thought I would need. Better that way than the other way around. I was able to do everything I wanted to do and even splurged on myself when the urge came up. It was amazing that I could eat this really fabulous food for under $3 for an entire a meal. The rooms I stayed in cost me $3-$30 a night. I used public transportation and different versions of Uber/Lift. As it turns out, I spent less money traveling than I would have staying home. Yes, you heard me correct. I’m really looking closely at where my money is going right now. I traded my $60/month Verizon mobile bill for another carrier @ $19/month. If you are interested in talking about mobile phone savings let me know so we all can save money. Things like that.
I take great pride in how I maintain the sanitary condition of my kitchens, both personally and professionally. After being in Asia and seeing the differences in how people keep their kitchens and street food carts clean my eyes were opened to what happens when you can sell any kind of food item you want that you cook in your own home make-shift kitchen. There is no consistent governmental regulation for health inspection in food service establishments. Let the consumer beware is how it goes. As I find myself spending time at my kitchen table I notice how I don’t wipe down my stove as frequently or sweep the floor as much as I used to. The term “cleanliness is next to godliness” has taken a different form. I’ll be interested to see how this translates to a professional kitchen. Probably not much in the big picture.
This trip was a HUGE bucket list for me, now fulfilled. Now what am I going to do with the rest of my life until I die? I just hit a 20-year anniversary at the college I work for and turned 50 years old. Am I really 5 years away from retirement? I’m not sure what my priorities are or where to put my focus. What is my purpose NOW? Fuck, this can be painful being directionless and sitting with the mystery of the unknown. I could almost feel complete with my life, yet once again. I remember this feeling of being “lost” several times in my life after big events such as this. Folks, this is not depression so put your mental health diagnosis away please. I haven’t locked myself in my home just yet.
As I have been home the last two months the topic of mortality has been in my face. From all the death rituals I’ve attended in India, Nepal and Thailand, the hospice volunteer work I do, to looking at my own family history of uncles and grandfathers with heart attacks and heart disease around my age, and now my father being in the hospital for the second time in a couple months. I visited a place where death and the conversation about death isn’t kept from the public eye as it is mostly here in the USA. Isn’t it funny that we are all on the same path to death and yet nobody really likes to talk about it?
I have to make my way to Colorado here very soon based on my own accord and not because anyone will ask that from me. I take that back, my mother asked me to go, which was actually a nice surprise. I have seen families that will camp out in hospitals when a member of the family is admitted supporting the person and not allowing anyone to lose sight of the family structure. These were not the family values I was brought up with and so my father sits in the hospital alone and by himself a lot of the time. Listen to what thoughts are coming up in your mind as you read this right now. Listen to which thoughts offer the most life, love and compassion towards all, versus pity, sympathy and aversion. Trust me… I go through my own roller coaster with this one. I know I will need some support as I traverse these unknown waters.
I can’t help but think about the isolation that occurs with men, me included, which I see so often in this super competitive and capitalist society in which we live. I realize that we all continue to make ongoing choices in life to live the lives that we want at every given moment… and then sometimes have regrets when we do not make the risky choices. If I want to embrace living a different personal values structure within myself instead of replaying the said given stories of the past, I need to continue to choose to give of myself, practice pointing my mind towards peacefulness, getting out of my own self-centered isolation, so I can FEEL EVERYTHING with non-attachment to my thoughts/feelings… to be in the fullness of presence with myself and in service to other. If this is to happen, then I cannot allow any of my past or history to effect how I want my current and future personal values to reflect in my life moving forward. Better that I wrote this out. Easier said than done.
So off to Colorado and into the mystery I go.
A Little Lost … back in Westbrook, Maine
posted in: Adventure, Love, Personal Growth, Sabbatical, Spiritual, The Human Condition
0
I applied for a year-long sabbatical in November 2017 and couldn’t do any real planning until I received signed paperwork from my bosses with a denial or approval. In June 2018 I received the final approval and the signatures I needed to make this a “go”. The class I had negotiated taking back in October 2017 for the sabbatical application at The International Institute of Culinary Arts in New Delhi, India had time expired, UGH. #WatToDo ?
The whole idea of this sabbatical was to travel to India and learn about the culture and cuisine for a couple of months. I became curious about the nature of “one-pot” cooking in this part of the world and how it creates a sense of belonging to those who participate in meals’ planning, acquiring, preparation, cooking, eating and let’s not forget the cleaning up part. Other ways I’m looking at how this way of meal preparation creates “belonging” are…
- Grounding in our lives to live the most fulfilled and purposeful existence through the support system of where/how food nourishment is prepared
- Creating a sense of connection to each other, to god/universe/source and to the earth.
- Developing a sense of community and developing relationships thorough a common purpose (cooking, eating, nourishment) to all those participating around the central focus area of the kitchen… farmers, producers, preparation, cooking and eating
- Tending to the well-being of each other through a common purpose and goal.
- Finding the most life-giving ways to engage with each other, the land and the bounty of the earth.
Phew… O.K.
That was my intention and how I was going to go about a lot of my professional culinary journey for 7 months. Finding the families, home-stays and the people who were willing to let me into their home space and into their personal and family’s lives… with varying degrees of success. The people I was able to connect with on this level, I learned a tremendous amount from. It was up to me to adapt to the unfamiliar cultures because the cultures will never adapt to me, that’s a given. I had to have a good idea of what balance was all about… To have enough drive in me to find a place for me in someone’s home and then once I found something, to be able to surrender to what ever was going to unfold and present themselves after that.
The connections I made through this intention have been rich, intimate, spiritual, reciprocal, full of depth, emotional, loving, conflictual and intense. These kinds of relationships take time to develop, cultivate and nourish. Some people even avoid this kind of intimacy with strangers. Even though I may have been staying 2-3 weeks somewhere, that is still a short amount of time to get to know people, their cultural & culinary traditions, and find a way of fitting me into their already established home unit to help prepare meals.
I was able to spend about half of my time with people learning about their culture and cuisine. The other half of my time I was having my own personal adventures… meditation, yoga, trekking, writing, cooking at home, taking classes, exploring and sightseeing. I was able to build in some down time and not feel pressured to always be on the move Allowing myself permission to be still and not have to “go and do and see” was always challenging for me and I think I did OK in that regard.
After all this time away from home, while in Hanoi, Vietnam, I got food poisoning and I wasn’t feeling so hot and juicy for my next travel move. I took a few extra days to recover and decide what my next move would be. It just so happens that my friend who was staying in my home had purchased a home and had moved out in March and my home was vacant. I was feeling complete with what it was I came to do… and I decide to make my way back home to Maine.
Alright… now what? After months of ongoing daily data input throughout my travels, I get home and wonder what might be next for me. I’ve unpacked the stuff I put in boxes after not needing any of it for about 8 months. I kept asking myself as I was unpacking… “Whose stuff is this anyway?”. I’ve lived out of a 40l backpack and in one room for months. Am I having some reverse culture shock?
I am sitting with the mystery of what might be next for me after this last eighteen months of “sabbatical” … from the day I applied in November 2017 to today. I know it’s not over. I’m continuing to have flashbacks to different people, places and things during my travels and am beginning to think about looking at the 6000+ pictures I took.
I feel a bit lost with a lack of direction and it feels kinda painful at the moment. Not really sure there’s anything to do about it either. I’ve been riding such a high crest of the waves these last 7-8 months… now I get home and I get to figure out how to get back into the life I left months ago, which I don’t think is possible. Or, how to create the life that I want moving forward. It’s never ending… the creation of life and how we want to live it throughout our ever-changing lifespan. Everywhere you go…. there you are… shit! ????
In the meantime, I am enjoying the great air quality, the less congestion and traffic in the streets riding my motorbike, sleeping when I want, making mala necklaces, enjoying my new Korean rice cooker and Indian cooking. I’m almost done settling back into my space and I’m looking forward to the Montreal Jazz Festival, visiting my father for his 80th birthday and a lovely 2019 summer!
Leave a Reply