Growing Intimacy Through Exclusivity and BDSM

feetonmanWe live in a time with Tindering hookups, immediate gratifications through the internet and easy access to pornography and sex toys, instant hits of connection via social media, sexting, divorce rates hitting all-time highs because we think people are disposable and replaceable. We have lost the art of seduction, the art of intimacy, respectful conflict resolution and what it means to make and keep commitments.  Is this loss because there is so much fear from past heartbreaks? Or, maybe because there are more relationship types evolving and people think they are given the permission to continually look for the next person they might have an interest in? Rather than looking at the gift that brought the one sitting right in front of them and remembering the love that drew them together.

I am a single unattached Dom male with switch tendencies and I want a committed, long term and exclusive relationship to grow into and support each other. I want a depth of intimacy and connection, emotionally and sexually, for the long term: not just a fuck buddy or a play partner or a lineup of submissives. An actual real exclusive relationship.

I fully understand what it means to be in a committed and monogamous relationship. I was married for 14 years and have been divorced for 10+ years. I also know who I am as a man, have gained experiential wisdom from my life, know how to apply that I’ve learned to move forward, what I want in my life and from a partner.

Exclusivity vs. Unrestricted

I have had my times of experimenting with different relationship types/styles. Exclusivity is not for everyone. I think there are times in peoples lives where it is important to have one-night stands, multiple partners, meaningless sex, maybe even with the intent of helping heal wounds of the past. I have done the healing part of my life post-divorce that a lot of people do and were some people do not get through and remain unavailable to commitment and emotional connection.

Some of us are wired for monogamy and commitment and some of us are not. I crave the emotional and sexual bonds that are created only through intimacy and exclusivity. I’m not saying that as an exclusive couple we cannot bring other people in on occasion or try different things or have new adventures.  I’m saying that that I will not keep any more secrets and both parties will participate in the vulnerability of truth telling and learning how to deal with our own feelings, so we can remain focused on each other’s happiness. An attempted practice that only can get mastered with exclusivity and commitment.

Polarity:

When two people come together there is a circle of energy that I like to describe as polarity. Just like the two poles of electricity, positive and negative, the flow of energy between the two poles either completes a circuit or it does not. When there is nowhere for the energy to go, it stops.

This energy will always take the path of least resistance, which can be harmful. When the energy flows evenly between two people it amplifies and energizes each other in all aspects of their lives, in their careers, their other relationships and their intimacy and in their emotional connection. When there is a break in the flow of energy, the polarity stops, albeit temporarily, and sometimes not.

Imagine a time when you were sitting across the table from your lover and you witnessed their presence drift away and into someone else’s field of energy. Remember what that was like when you felt the energy drain out of your body after all the time you spent preparing yourself mentally and physically for that gathering? And now you watch as the actions from that person across the table is telling you that you are not good enough, pretty enough or sexy enough. Next, imagine a time where you witnessed new young lovers so attentive to each other at the table, making eye contact, engaged and laughing and oblivious to anything going on around them. Their presence is unwavering and lets each other know there’s no ne that matters except the other. These are only two examples of how polarity can affect our intimacy and connection with each other.

Giving and Receiving Are Not the Same

We live in a time where there is a lot of conversation about giving and receiving. All the great traditions and religions talk about all we should do is be giving. I do not want to miss is the importance of this kind of giving and of service work, community service or being of service to humankind. This is a kind of giving that reaps its own rewards and cannot be overlooked. It is not about getting anything back when doing service work. This is about giving back to the world for the blessing of being able to be part of the world.

Relationships are a series of give/take compromises, one after another. We can have such expectations on each other in relationships. How we want to receive love. How we give love. There is such conflict that happens in our relationships because we haven’t figured out how to receive each other with kindness and compassion.

Receiving creates intimacy and connection in our relationships. Prioritizing giving may create distancing and separation. If we don’t allow ourselves to receive a simple gift or compliment we are depriving ourselves of a moment of connection with someone else. Think about the following statements…

  • To receive what someone has to give at any given time is an expression of one of the greatest gifts you could possibly give.
  • Practice dropping our judgments and expectations, so we can receive what life has to offer us at any given moment. This practice will bring us the greatest peace in our lives.
  • Learn how to receive someone’s criticism, anger or frustration, without shame or blame, no matter what someone has to say to you… so it will never destroy your inner peace or leave you ungrounded and break your peacefulness.
  • Develop a practice in the art of listening so you can receive and hear what someone has to say instead of listening to respond.

 

alotmorethenwhipsandchainsOur Surrender Into BDSM, Kink

There is an area in BDSM that isn’t talked about much and that is “sensuality” … the enjoyment, expression, or pursuit of physical, especially sexual, pleasure… through different practices of BDSM and kink. Being a sensual dominant I appreciate the practices that explore all that the senses can experience. From sense deprivation, to the fine line of pain/pleasure, to soft/hard pressures, hot/cold, wet/dry, independence/bondage, control/chaos… where only your imagination may be limiting you… get the picture?

I have been told that I have a unique perspective on BDSM. Firstly, that everyone should not get stuck in playing only one role. People all love playing in the land of dominance and submission. We, the human race, are also primates with an increased brain capacity which allow us to better relate to each other from a compassionate and loving place. We are creating intentional power exchanges in our dominant/submission scenes and even in other environments.

Most of us usually operate from a more submissive or a more dominant arena in our regular day to day lives, it’s just a natural part of being human. Some of us want to be told what to do and others want to be telling others what to do. Using BDSM and creating a Dominance/Submission “scene” is an amazing opportunity for us to explore the opposing forces where we are not used to living in. There are people out there that claim to be the dominant and others who claim to be the submissive in our relationships and do not “switch” to explore the other side. I want to invite the importance for people to explore the opposite energy in which they would normally operate…especially the people who are taking a position in one way or the other.

Why might this be an important part of our evolution? Am I really in control when I am in the dominant position? Is it important to be able to give up control at certain times? Is there really such a thing as being in control?

One of the biggest gifts we can give to our lovers is for them to witness our complete loss of control. It happens during the ten second expression of our own orgasm, but where else can it happen to an even bigger extent? Our conscious decision to let go of control will never happen if we continue to take and hold a hard, firm position and play the dominant role all the time in our kinky play which is why I believe it’s important for everyone being a “switch”.

akinkysideTrust, Intimacy & The Keeper

I have always said that trust takes time to cultivate. We don’t just suddenly meet someone new and trust them with our bank and retirement accounts, do we? So why would we think that we could trust just anyone when it comes to giving them our submissive surrender? This kind of trust is something that cannot be rushed. Trust takes time to develop and take no time at all to lose. With a commitment to exclusivity comes the ability to be emotionally open about the most intimate aspects of ourselves. The more trust that we develop in our relationship, the more confidence we will have in asking for what we want and being sexually expressive, deepening our surrender.

There is a deep and profound longing for humans to surrender and in this yearning, there is an aspect which lives in the light and also the dark or shadow element. In the shadows of surrender, there are specific times, certain people and in certain places where it would be inappropriate to surrender. There are people who you shouldn’t surrender to. When you have to cross over your own personal boundaries or when it’s a violation of your own personal integrity then surrender isn’t a good idea. You just don’t surrender to anyone.

There is an innate armor that is worn as we present ourselves to the outside world. I am drawn and appreciate the persona of an “Alpha Submissive” woman who projects a powerful, confident, intelligent public image but craves to submit herself to a strong dominant man in private. She has a lot of armor on the outside but remains deeply feminine and tender on the inside. Giving her that “sanctuary” from the outside world is one of the greatest honors. A man of honor and integrity takes those dark intimate secrets to his grave, treats her like a queen, defends her honor and encourages her to achieve all her goals. Then, in return, gets the deliciously naughty vixen who will do anything and wants to give into every fantasy imaginable.

It’s that simple!

Dear Dad…

deardadI got word that my father was admitted to the hospital and released back home, yet again. He’s been in and out of hospitals for the last 4 years from stroke, dementia, diabetes, mismanagement of medications and now a serious bout with the flu. At almost 80 years old, as you know, the flu can be deadly.

I knew that embarking on this around the world sabbatical adventure it would leave me further removed from my father. Even though there is great technology that keeps me in touch with people halfway around the world, my father’s dementia continues to progress to the point of times not being able to figure out how to use the mobile phone and even a television remote. Let alone to manage his dozen or so medications by himself. I’m grateful to my brother and to all the people over there that are helping to care for him.

I am a truth teller. I speak truth. People have a hard time with it when it asks them to look at themselves in the mirror. I have been told I am different, too much, untrustworthy, judgmental, Mr. Congeniality, narcissistic and even accused of having behavioral problems. Both, in my personal life and in my career. It leaves me a loner in life at times. I’m only stating facts, I’m not the victim. It leaves me with no other choice than to listen and trust the spirit inside of me that I’m being the best of service even when there is great push-back. This is the case with my father.

I cannot object to people rejecting what I am inviting them into or offering to them. It would be nice for me to think that all people can grow together beyond the idea that we are troubled continually by the never-ending self-created suffering inside the human condition, however unlikely that is to happen. And I cannot continue to waste my time trying to think that everyone is capable of going beyond their thinking mind and release into the spirit of life and living all the time. I have my moments of contraction too.

I visited Colorado last year twice, one time for an extended visit to help my father post hospitalization for one of his strokes. He had asked me to come and I was on the next plane to visit him. Throughout all the visits with home nurses, physical therapists, attorneys, financial planners, doctors, insurance companies, friends, family and even an 8-day stay in an Alzheimer’s hospital unit. It was evident that my father was entering or had entered the end of life stage. Nothing terminal, just yielding to the inevitable… our own mortality.

There were lots of opinions on how things should be done from family and friends. Even writing this online, I believe will upset some people because they think this is a private family matter. No more hiding, no more secrets, we all need to go through something like this eventually. I’ve become exhausted and tired of keeping secrets and the betrayals which emerge from keeping secrets. This all stops with me.

Please forgive me, repeatedly. I ask for forgiveness and offer my apologies, I had once again upset my family, my father this time. I was asked to step in and assist him with managing his affairs and without hesitation I joyfully accepted. And then, behind the scenes, I was removed from doing so, with no word or conversation, leaving my brother on the line to deal with it all. The story was eventually changed, covering up the real story, that I was to be leaving the country, so I needed to be removed from all responsibilities.

Dementia is the disease that caused this, it does some weird things to people and very sad to the families that are forced to deal with it. I didn’t take it personally nor get upset because I knew dementia was the culprit. Sadly, at the same time, I felt the disease create more distance between my father and me and my brother.

We are all going to do our own end of life the way we want to do it when we are fortunate enough to be given the choice. I respect the unbelievable strength of the human will and my father’s desire to live in his home, even when he has times where he wants to sell his house and leave.

All of this that I mention is in the past. The past doesn’t exist anymore. Forgiveness releases the grip that the past has on me. Only the grief and sadness that lies in me time after time, witnessing event after event regarding my father’s deterioration, with great resistance, into his own mortality. I have a hope that he can someday he can let go into my brother, who loves him so much and is there to support him and fulfill his wishes on how he wants to do the end of his life.

mydadI have always said my father is one of the happiest go-lucky people I know. He has always followed his dreams and desires and even quit his jobs spontaneously when things weren’t going quite right. He makes friends everywhere he goes and can hold a conversation with just about anyone. He has been a role model in my life to not give in to societal beliefs and to live my life and follow my dreams. I have told my father all of this. Maybe he will be able to read this and hear again how much I love him and how much I appreciated the way he has lived his life and wants to be living through the end of his life.

No more resistance…

It’s important that I continue to release the grief of what it means to continue to lose my father to the disease of dementia and to death, we are all on the same path, only different paths. This is one way I want to continue to release the grief. I don’t care anymore, who gets to see the inside of my personal life, students, clients, friends, family. Forgive me if I have upset you. Please realize this isn’t about you and it’s my way of becoming free.

Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door

I know that I’m a prisoner
To all my Father held so dear
I know that I’m a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got

You say you just don’t see it
He says it’s perfect sense
You just can’t get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defense

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It’s too late when we die
To admit we don’t see eye to eye

 

 

 

 

So Don’t yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you don’t give up, and don’t give in
You may just be OK.

So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
It’s the bitterness that lasts

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It’s too late when we die
To admit we don’t see eye to eye

I wasn’t there that morning
When my Father passed away
I didn’t get to tell him
All the things I had to say

I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
I’m sure I heard his echo
In my baby’s new born tears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It’s too late when we die
To admit we don’t see eye to eye

 

 

theboys
Through The Living Years

To Loving Well

we-don-t-learn-to-love-each-other-well-inMy sharp edges are being rounded off, like a carpenter’s chamfer
Softening, weathered by wisdom of the ages, being still, accepting
Knowing there is nothing to lose anymore
Other than my body, back to the earth

Whom might I think to identify myself as, the words describing personality, career, my existence
Any attachment to understand myself, matters not
Only how I can give from the depths of my heart back to myself and to others, because
Love knows no limits or boundaries created by the mind

I need nothing in return from my offerings, only a remembrance,
That any voice of inadequacy, needing or wanting
Comes from a place of contraction inside my small self, hopefully temporarily,
Only to be removed by the hearts longing
To transmit the love that’s meant to travel through, as me.

The quiet solitude of lands lightly traveled
Brings delight to all of my senses
Realizing and knowing I am blessed to be moving and exploring the earth
Grateful for the gifts the mother has to offer and to be a fortunate participant .

The sounds of silence brings my mind into stillness
Reminding me of how insignificant any thought I may have
The dramatic change of seasons and tides are constant reminders of
The ebb and flow of the life I want to be comfortable living… never stagnant, forever changing

The tears well up in my eyes full of realizations and gratitude for a well lived life
Making and appreciating the time for self-reflection
Along with the beauty of connection to the land, others and the spirit within
And dreaming in the possibilities of fulfilling the next desire

Blessed to have people reveal themselves to me in my life, as a reminder
To graciously receive the love I strive to so generously give and
Continuing to open myself, wider, even wider to find deeper and even more
Depths to the unending love that I have to give.

Within the mother, the earth, Gaia, I can always have faith in her gifts
Emerging, once again, birth and death, and repeating the process, continuously,
Becoming one with her and with myself, again and again
Bringing me back in connection with the laws of nature, my true self, realizing the best self I can be.
Never having to imagine there is a possibility that I can get even better.

My day to day life requires the time to pause, to breathe to stop
To stop the thinking mind who thinks it knows better than the heart
Not allowing the self to travel with the minds thoughts
Because the mind is for creativity and realizing the truths of the heart
The mind and its thoughts aren’t the truths
Only the language of the heart knows the truth

forgivemeI yearn to be met in the place of the truth of the heart
Beating heart to beating heart, nothing else is really acceptable
Mistakes and errors will be made, and I need to give myself the permission for that to be OK
To allow errors to be corrected and forgiven, corrected and forgiven, … any perfection is unattainable

Perfection means to make room for forgiveness and the making of space for the correction of errors
The practice of forgiving myself, ourselves… and therefore… extending forgiveness to others
Being human means imperfection
And the willingness to come back to love

Time after time, any negative self-thought I have of myself or
My ego’s contraction that takes me out of love
Needs to be only ever so briefly engaged, realized and curiously looked at
Would a hawk ever lose patience waiting for the next meal?
Coming back to the present form, knowing… knowing only love is the truth

Even those temporary attacks on myself in judgment of being too much or not enough
Helps my realization of how I am a creature of judgement because
I carry inside of myself a hidden and protected place of past hurts that only want to be released
To heal them and not be dragged around by those memories

Seeing any of my minds critical and judgmental attacks, within or without,
Are only a disguise of asking for help
A reaching out for help, for directions, to find my way back home… back to love
Because sometimes, we all need reminders of how to get back to home
To the place of the practice, of what it means and looks like to be…

Loving Well.

 

Chef’s sabbatical: An analysis of chef’s gastronomic research through culinary tourism

qualifiedeaterIn my search of the internet to see if there was anyone else that had done some degree of food tourism around culinary arts, gastronomy and food innovation research like I am doing, I came across this. I look forward to bring back my knowledge of Indian and Thailand food products and cooking techniques and see where I can incorporate them in my work.

This article should appeal to my scientist and academia friends and teachers. My friends Linda and Nayab in Kerala, India who I have been working with to develop a culinary tourism program I think will be most interested.

 

youdontbecomechef  agequote

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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International Journal of Gastronomy and Food Science –  Author: Watson Baldwin

Technological and Higher Education Institute of Hong Kong, 12F South Block, 133 Shing Tai Road, Chai Wan, Hong Kong

Chefs have long looked to various aspects of food, culinary trends, restaurants and their peers for inspiration. So
much that they take time away from the line to go deep into culinary cultures across the globe as spectators,
diners, tourists and even as line cooks to find the inspiration behind their new dishes or menu items. The premise
of a chef’s sabbatical is not a new theory or trend, but rather a new explanation of a rite of passage in the culinary
world via culinary tourism. At the start of a chef’s career, they are encouraged to work and gather experience
from a number of restaurants before becoming an Executive Chef. However, when they do become an Executive
Chef, it is difficult to take on multiple tasks or work at different restaurants to further their knowledge outside
the kitchen. This is where the chef’s sabbatical premise is put forward.

This is the full article in pdf file – Click here to read article in full …
Chef’s sabbatical: An analysis of chef’s gastronomic research through culinary tourism

 

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