Listening with Empathy vs. Listening to Respond
Well, well, well… it’s been a long while since I’ve written anything… not sure how to use this blog/website after being back from Asia for a year. I’ve been inspired by going back into the classroom during these times of covid by a really great group of students I have. This inspiration is from them and channeled through me. I only hope I can listen to their wisdom after 22 years of teaching.
Listening is an art, and many people do not have the capacity for it, especially in the case of listening to the complaints and the suffering of others. In order to be able to listen, we need to learn how to transform the suffering in ourselves. One reason we are not good listeners is because in the listeners themselves, there is also much pain. Another reason that prevents us from being good listeners is that we can get distracted by our own ego and personal agendas. A powerful listener acknowledges that the person speaking will be heard and will be welcome to express themselves. And a wise listener and leader will validate anyone who is speaking.
Talking is also an art because if we have many internal formations within us and if we do not know the art of being mindful, then while speaking we shall be carried away by our feelings, our anger, and what we say may hurt people deeply. Both speaking and listening must, therefore, be practiced together with working at transforming the internal formations within us.
A wise leader knows how to listen and actually hear what others are saying. Epictetus, the Greek philosopher wrote: “We have two ears and one mouth — for a good reason.” It’s more important to listen than it is to talk most of the time. How else can we learn about what needs to be done to improve a situation? No one ever stops growing and evolving and one of the ways to learn (and learn about ourselves) is by listening to others. I have learned that most people do not listen well. In this day when everyone carries around a smartphone or tablet, people don’t focus on each other when they’re together. Unfortunately, this holds true for business people and leaders.
Psychotherapy believes that if you have pain, you should be able to express it, but because the people around you also have a lot of pain, they are challenged and sometimes not able to listen to you. Each person is an island. If no one has the capacity to listen to another person, we feel very alone… we get sick… No communication is possible and we cannot tell anyone about our pain when we feel the other is not listening. The first task of a good listener is to sit quietly; no talking back. If people argue with us when we are speaking, if they talk back, then they are not effective listeners. We need people to sit and listen, not to give us unsolicited advice or condemnation, listening to each other with empathy. You can see very well when someone is truly listening, you can feel it; and when someone pretends to listen, you know that too.
When we care for and even love someone and if we truly want to make someone happy, the first thing we must cultivate is the art of listening, because listening is very healing. If we spend time listening to the pain of the person we love, he or she will be relieved. And listening without judging releases pain. In the buddhist philosophy, we aspire to learn the bodhisattva way of listening, in order to help relieve the suffering in the world. Listening, in order to understand and not to respond. We evoke the bodhisattva name in order to practice listening with all our attention and open heartedness. Learn to sit still and listen without any prejudice and without judging or reacting. Listen in order to understand and not to just respond. We will sit and listen so attentively that we will be able to hear what the other person is saying so clearly and maybe even to also what the other person is leaving unsaid. Just by listening deeply, we can alleviate a great deal of pain and suffering in the other person.
So, we evoke the name of Avalokiteshvara and/or Guanyin, bodhisattvas who embody compassion, to practice the art of listening. Every one of us has the opportunity to be the bodhisattva. Each of us has an Avalokiteshvara bodhisattva inside waiting to grow. So, this is not exactly a prayer, but more a kind of mindfulness practice. We then evoke the name of the Avalokiteshvara Buddha in order to bring about greater capacity for listening, because listening is healing, relieving the suffering of the other person.
In addition, by being human, our power of listening has its limitations. Therefore, the moment we feel that we cannot continue to listen, we have to tell the other, ‘I need a timeout’. To step away from this conversation in order to recharge so I can be a better listener. And we need to allow that to happen. We need to refuel ourselves with freshness; we need to practice meditation, yoga, drinking tea, being with children, anything that can bring back our balance. That is what doctors and psychotherapists have to do as well.
It may seem small and not that important, but some of the best leaders of our time have mastered the art of listening. The art of listening truly can take not only your leadership ability and your relationships to the next level, but also your success and likability as well, all of which help to create a healthy culture.
