• Mending Trust
  • Broken Trust
  • Trapeze Trust
  • Links of Trust
  • Broken Trust

The Dark Roads of Trust and Its Ghosts

cannotbelieveyouI travel down dark streets through Thailand at night. There are no police patrols, no one to call if something goes wrong. Vehicles speed closely past me that I can feel the wind shift across my skin.

Am I being held together by rust and a prayer?

The road is a kind of battleground … not just disarray from broken machines, but from the emotional wreckage behind the wheels.

Including myself.

Trust isn’t just absent, its upended. To trust, means to invite harm and welcome the possibility of betrayal. Letting down my guard would be like driving blindfolded. I walk unarmored, unprepared into a fight I didn’t start, and one I can never win.

I can feel the layers of armor I have putting on over the years. There were times I thought I had shed some of it, peeling it away layer by layer, piece by piece. Yet my antennas are up; I remain on high alert.

I stay ready.

Even if nothing comes, and sometimes nothing does. The weight of the readiness does not lift.

I carry it mile after mile, day after day, and it’s exhausting.

The Tension: “Just Let It Go”?

letgoI want to be able to let go of some of this armor and begin to trust again. There are days when I can feel it loosening, when I can breathe a little easier.

However, recent events have reminded me how quickly trust can turn with every small betrayal. They keep me wary and armored once again. It’s not just the memories of past hurts. It’s here too in the present. In new faces and old patterns.

Another betrayal. More silence, where there should have been transparency and honesty.

I thought my father’s illness would strip things down to what mattered in the family, an opportunity to bring people closer. For a time, I believed old distances could close. That we could meet, not as we had been, but as we needed to be for him.

I opened myself, carefully, like loosening a seam that had been stitched shut for too long. But the familiar disappointments returned — quiet and relentless. Trust doesn’t only break loudly; sometimes it just erodes, a slow wearing away of hope over time.

Yet, I live in a contradiction … wanting to soften and be open … while needing to brace myself for the worst.

The armor I have worn, and shed, and worn again – has never been about my strength. It has always been about my own survival.

And I know, surviving is not the same as living.

emotionalsafetyCan Trust & Loyalty be Bought?

It leaves me wondering what trust even means when it has a price tag attached.

Living in Thailand has added a new layer to this experience. Here, trust and loyalty can feel transactional — not something built slowly over time, but something bought and sold. The role men play is often defined as economic provider. For foreigners, that expectation is turned up even higher.

I’ve been told that men can “buy” a woman’s loyalty – with monthly allowances, with gifts, with the constant offering of financial security. It’s a very different concept than what I grew up with in the West, where loyalty and trust were supposed to be built slowly, like feeding a piggy bank one coin at a time. And when betrayal happened, the piggy bank of trust wasn’t just cracked, it shattered. Trust is emptied completely.

Here, trust feels more fragile.
More tied to money. 

Maybe that’s why it feels safer to stay armored.
It’s hard to trust what can be bought and sold.

The Cost of Armoring

hastostopI am paying the cost of wearing this armor. It’s heavy. Slowly wearing me down. It shows up in ways I don’t always notice – in my hesitation to trust again, in second guessing myself and the constant feeling that I have to watch my back.

It’s keeping me from living the kind of life I want, one where I can breathe easily and not be on guard all the time.

The armor, the distrust, keeps me safe. But also keeps me distant.
Alone.
Once again, I am tired of carrying it.

Sometimes it’s hard to know whether I’m inside a legitimate protection mechanism or if I am stuck in a pattern I don’t know how to step out of.

Yet every time I try to loosen up, to begin opening, to love and trust again, something happens to remind me why I put it on in the first place.
It’s not just old stories playing in my head.
It’s the reality that even now, not everyone is safe. Not everyone can be trusted.

I have been able to release some of this armor before in my life.
I know trust can be built again.
It will take patience and time.
I want to believe I don’t have to live armored forever.

But for now, I will carry it.
Because for now, it’s what I know.

In the Wake of “Yes”: Living with Ambivalence & Paradox

newchangeA Natural Part of Change

I’m sitting in the middle of monsoon season, again. It’s raining every day, carving rivers into the streets. The threat of flooding returns, like my memory of being displaced and evacuating my home this past October. A few weeks ago, the earth shook – an earthquake that rattled more than just the walls of the house I was in.

I sold everything last year and moved to Thailand with a conviction to begin a new chapter of life.

As I explore the many coffee shops in Chiang Mai I am surrounded by the hum of a language still partly foreign, sipping strong coffee and eating something sweet … I wonder: Was this move I made brave, or was this running away?

Ambivalence sits next to me. I am uncomfortable. I want to push it away. It doesn’t speak clearly or in full sentences. It shows up in the pause before I respond to friends who ask, “How’s Thailand?” It lives in the unstable silence of emotion… swirling in gratitude and doubt.

The Art of Ambivalence

Ambi” = both sides
“Valence” = strength or power
So, ambivalence literally means: 👉 “The strength of both sides.”
ambivalence
https://www.artsy.net/artwork/greg-mike-ambivalence

I remember the Motivational Interviewing (MI) training I attended many years ago. It wasn’t just about learning how to help others — it was about learning how to work with the art of ambivalence inside myself.

If I can hold my own inner conflicts with compassion, I can better hold space for others doing the same.

There’s real strength in being able to hold two truths at the same time — to want and not want, to grieve and feel grateful, to stay and to leave. I keep reminding myself: ambivalence isn’t weakness. It’s a deeply human response to change, and it deserves to be normalized.

Some days, the tug-of-war inside makes me feel like I’m going a little out of my mind. But then I remember — it’s not craziness, it’s courage.

It takes strength to look in two directions at once. And the more capacity I can develop to tolerate that tension the better equipped I am to make wise, grounded decisions. And the less likely I am to leap into impulsivity just to escape the discomfort.

Ambivalence invites me to make choices with greater wisdom and integrity.

GrengJaiParadise with Paradox

Life in Thailand is beautiful … and can sometimes be a little disorienting.

The Thai language is rich of emotional vocabulary, especially through the use of the word “ใจ” (jai), meaning heart. It appears in dozens of compound words that describe emotional states, revealing a beautiful emotional awareness embedded in the language.

That beauty, however, is complicated by cultural imperatives like เกรงใจ (kreng jai), the deep desire not to inconvenience or burden others. And the powerful social norm of saving face. These values shape how emotions are expressed (or not expressed) in daily life.

👉 Read more: Getting to the Heart of the Thai Language

The pulse I feel here is the cultural contrast. Western culture tends to emphasize assertiveness, individuality, and directness. Thai culture, through kreng jai, emphasizes interdependence, harmony and social cohesion. The clash between these values creates a subtle yet persistent dilemma.

On one hand, Thai culture honors the emotional landscape — it has words for so many subtle shifts of heart. On the other hand, it discourages the open expression of those feelings, especially when they might cause discomfort, confrontation, or loss of face.

It’s a place that often looks like peace. But if you peek behind the curtain, you can feel the tension. Especially in those moments when people smile politely in conversation, only to erupt in road rage in traffic later.

This is the paradox: People feel deeply but are often not safe to speak deeply.

The Grace of Unfinished Decisions

I came to Thailand not to escape my past – I came here to be honest. To step into something that could only emerge by letting go of what no longer fit.

Of course, there is grief in that.  And also, great relief.

It’s the experience of paradox – and ambivalence – that helps me honor both.

Change is rarely clean and simple, as much as I wish it sometimes were.

These big life shifts I am living – loss of my father, quitting my job, selling nearly everything, and getting out of ‘merikkkah. Needs to be lived into slowly, sometimes painfully and beautifully.

Like learning Thai, a language rich with emotional heart-vocabulary that I butcher daily, but keep trying to speak.

Life keeps moving. I keep listening. Watching clouds burst open and feeling the ground tremble beneath me.

I recall a teaching… “There’s no such thing as failure”

Only the commitment to stay with my own process.

There’s grace in showing up again and again, in sitting with the unanswered questions, even when I am craving resolution and answers.

So… Bring on the rain. Let the floodwaters rise. Let the earth shift beneath me.

I commit to not treating these things as interruptions to the life I am building.

They are part of it, part of the unfolding of a life I am still learning how to live.

Nothing to Prove, Everything to Give

For most of my life, I believed love, closeness and affection had to be earned. That I needed to be successful and do something impressive to be accepted and loved. If I worked hard enough, performed well enough, maybe then I’d be worthy. I am paying the cost of that belief. Only now—after years of striving—am I beginning to understand I have nothing to prove, everything to give. 

But affection doesn’t come after achievement. It comes before. It’s what makes us whole enough to stop competing, to rest, to soften.

We are touch-deprived not because we’ve evolved past it—but because we’ve been conditioned to fear what it offers: connection without condition. 

“Envy” – A Culture of Deprivation

whatisenvy

Maybe this obstacle started with envy—subtle, ever-present, not loud but constant. My family didn’t name it that way, but it was in the air. I don’t remember anyone saying, “we don’t have enough.”

But I remember my grandfather collecting candy bar coupons from discarded newspapers. My mother scanned the store flyers to stretch our meal budget. The whispered judgments that felt like shields against shame.

I was measured by what others had and what others had accomplished. The unspoken belief was clear: the ones who have, deserve. And we didn’t.

Love, it seemed, to only belong to the successful. Affection was for the accomplished. Touch—unguarded and safe—was only deserved after you earned it.

-You can’t open your arms if you’re always bracing for comparison.

Affection Was Never Meant to be Earned

expressaffectionregularly

In academia, the hunger just changed costumes. Polite competition, professional striving, publication. I was praised for my output, but I lived with a critical voice in my head who sounded a lot like the police rather than a guide towards mutual satisfying lives.

Look at what they’re doing. You should strive to be like that. You should be better than you are.

That critical voice was never satisfied. And I obeyed it for too many years. I called it ambition, but it was control. I let it shape the arc of my days, even the tone of my relationships. I called it “the way to my success.” I thought it was normal.

But now, during this quieter time of my life, I see how envy and the critic has worked together to divide us. Not just from each other, but from ourselves—our softness, our enoughness, our humanness.

If I perform for the people at the top, they will look down at me anyhow. And if I’m trying to show off for people at the bottom, they will only be envious. Status, power and success will get me nowhere. Only an open heart allows me to stand among others, not above or below.

Capitalism teaches us to compete, to win, to accumulate. There was no rest in connection. We’re trained to evaluate, not to witness. We perform to be seen but rarely feel held.

Love is different. Love is being concerned about someone else’s pain as much as you are about your own.

Envy isolates. The critic polices. Scarcity becomes internalized. And touch becomes a luxury instead of a birthright.

-It’s no wonder we’re affection-deprived.

Reclaiming What Was Never Gone

reclaiming

The truth I’m learning—slowly, quietly—is this: we never had to earn love and affection.

I’d been sleepwalking through life. Going through the motions, doing what I thought I was supposed to do—chasing the version of success I’d been taught to want. My cultural programming ran deep: success meant achievement, status, productivity. It meant standing out, rising above, competing. The script that never asked me how I felt—only what I had to show.

What I truly wanted was closeness and affection. The warmth of someone choosing to stay, not because I impressed them, but because I’m real.

That’s the revolution I want to live now. A soft one. A human one.

I spent so much time collecting things I thought would bring me satisfaction—and then one day, I realized they didn’t.

Somewhere along the way, I began to take the most important things for granted: loving relationships, the people who cared, even the beauty of the world around me.

A Soft Revolution: Nothing to prove anymore, just everything to give

Now, when I give my time—when I can make someone smile after they’ve shared their story—that’s as close to happy as I ever felt.

Not when I look in the mirror and match what the culture says I should look like.
Not when I tally the things I’ve collected or the money I’ve made.
Not even when I’ve achieved something that once felt impossible.

It’s when I’m in service to people offering empathy and compassion. Showing up with care. That’s when I feel most alive.

I’ve spent years chasing what I thought would make me feel whole. And I don’t regret what I’ve built or earned—but none of it compares to the feeling I get when I act from the heart.

It’s in that space where envy and scarcity dissolves. No longing for what I don’t have. No comparison. No competition.

When I’m giving—genuinely giving—I’m not depleted. I become filled up. And I don’t think that’s accidental. I think that’s what we’re made for.

There is nothing to prove anymore, just everything to give. What comes from the heart never leaves us dissatisfied. It returns us to the wholeness of ourselves.

You get what you give—and sometimes, if you’re lucky, what comes back is even more than what we could have expected.

As the Zen saying goes, “When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”

 

 

In the Company of Belonging: Finding Home in Aloneness, Loneliness, and Solitude

Ashe' Cultural Arts Center, New Orleans, LA
Ashe’ Cultural Arts Center, New Orleans, LA

 

Can you believe it’s been a full year since I moved to Thailand?

In that time, I’ve been navigating the shifting terrain of a new life—balancing spiritual practice, creativity, friendship, and solitude. A second ten-day silent meditation retreat, batches of soap made by hand, some meaningful connections, and many long video calls back to ‘Merikkkah have shaped this year. Daily walks and bike rides, cooking with ingredients from the open-air markets—all of it has become part of a larger rhythm of self-care.

But in the quiet of this new life, three words keep surfacing like mantras: aloneness, loneliness, and solitude. They’ve become more than feelings. They’re questions. Invitations. Echoes of a deeper inquiry into what it means to belong—not to others, but to myself.

 

stopfightingtobelongAloneness: The Belonging to Self

The fear of aloneness isn’t about being physically alone. It’s waking up in a room by myself and meeting the version of me that no longer hides behind the masks I once wore. The government job. The family scapegoat. The person quietly believing they didn’t belong

Now, there’s no audience. No applause. Just me asking—sometimes gently, sometimes sharply—Do I belong to myself?

This stage of life has asked for a new kind of presence. Not to prove anything, but to simply be with who I am now.

In the words of John O’Donohue:
“You are most deeply yourself in the space where no one is watching.”

That space is where my writing lives—not as performance, but as reflection. Aloneness isn’t emptiness. It’s a place where my own voice can rise, and where belonging begins not with others, but within.

 

burningmanLoneliness: Aching for Connection and Home

Loneliness is different. It’s the ache for connection—for someone to look me in the eyes and say, “You are seen. You are not too much.” It’s not just the absence of people. It’s being in a room full of others and still feeling invisible.

This kind of loneliness holds grief—not just for company, but for places, roles, or versions of myself that I no longer inhabit.

And yet, inside that ache, something else stirs: movement. A strange dance of tension and possibility. As much as I want to retreat from it, I try to stay. To let it stretch me. To believe it might be preparing me for a new way of being.

Morrie Schwartz once said: “The pain of loneliness is real. Don’t deny it. Feel it, then use it to reach out.”

His words remind me to not harden around the ache, but to stay open. To recognize that loneliness, too, is a bridge—to others, to my inner life, to what still matters.

Even in loneliness, a whisper persists: You still belong—right here, right now.

 

wayfinder

Solitude: The Deepening of Belonging

Solitude isn’t about isolation. It’s about integration. It’s the spaciousness that allows me to remember I was never separate to begin with—only distracted, disoriented, or trying too hard.

This is the hardest lesson for me. That belonging doesn’t require performance. That I don’t need to earn a seat at the table. In solitude, I start to hear the difference between noise and truth. Between ego and essence.

This writing is part of that process. Not to create something “useful,” but to reunite the fragments of myself. To name what’s hard and still choose presence. To become someone who can return to others—not from need, but from wholeness.

Solitude becomes a kind of sanctuary. A warm shelter, as John O’Donohue might say, from the wild weather of the world.

 

peacebelongingloveBelonging: Beneath It All

Belonging isn’t always something I find in others. Sometimes, it shows up quietly, beneath the louder gremlins of self-doubt, rejection, and abandonment. It’s the voice that says: Even here, even now, I am worthy of love.

It’s the act of reclaiming myself—without waiting for permission. Of recognizing that even in the darkest moments, something in me endures: dignity, resilience, and self-respect.

But I also know the shadow of belonging. The sting of being cast out or overlooked. The deep ache of being told—explicitly or silently—that there is no place for someone like me.

Still, even in the midst of all this transition, the ember doesn’t go out. It flickers when I choose to stay with myself through heartbreak. When I return, again and again, to my own center and remember: No amount of rejection can undo my fundamental worth.

I’ve learned that belonging lives in the place where:
• Aloneness becomes presence,
• Loneliness becomes a quiet hope,
• And solitude becomes a homecoming.

Belonging isn’t about being accepted everywhere. It’s about being able to move through the world without shrinking, hiding, or abandoning yourself.

It’s the inner reminder that rises like a whisper:
You were never lost. Only searching.

May I find, in aloneness, a sense of home. In loneliness, a prayer. In solitude, a return to the fullness of who I am.
And may you, too, find within yourself a quiet, brave belonging that holds you—especially when no one else does.

 

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