Blog Full - Maurice Leavitt | Personal Essays, Travel Writing & Reflections

28 Feb 2019

Stripped of Identity… “Who am I?” – Phnom Penh, Cambodia

by Maurice | posted in: Adventure, Personal Growth, Sabbatical, Spiritual, The Human Condition | 0

Is it a coincidence that I’ve been pondering the concept of “who am I?” while I’m in a place like Cambodia? Where the French occupation, Khmer Rouge genocide and the Vietnam war isn’t so far in Cambodia’s historical past and as the people are bringing back their culture, society and countries identity? I don’t find it such a coincidence, if there are such things as coincidence.

Its been six months of traveling and I could feel how easy it was to walk through the main outdoor local market in Phnom Penh yesterday versus the main market in Varanasi, India back in September. I don’t speak any Khmer and hardly anyone spoke English. The broken concrete roads littered with garbage and blood from the butchering of meat and fish that do not get washed away by any humans as they did in Thailand or by the rains of mother nature in the dry season. And I managed to get everything I wanted so I could cook food at “home”. I found a young man running a shop for his elder mother who spoke a little English and he was happy to have a conversation with me. I felt peaceful and part of the big picture, even if I did have moments where I thought the people were talking about me. ????

Having experienced the depths of inclusion with many different families, groups and cultures is stripping away any remainder of a belief that I may have had left inside of myself that I must only be associating with those who look like me, talk like me and believe the same things as me. This old and isolating belief has become redundant, counter productive and more importantly, impossible to maintain as I travel like this through multiple countries and cultures. We have become global citizens in ways that our grandfathers and grandmothers were not. We are being stripped down of our beliefs of who we think we are culturally, religiously and personally and transcending into a more respectful and understanding way of acknowledging each other’s differences. We are all the same… remember?

I have become one of those modern global nomads traveling great distances in short amount of times. Visiting world landmarks like Angkor Wat, the Ghats of Varanasi, The Emerald Buddha, The Killing Fields, and The Himalayas. As I begin to overcome old ingrained concepts and ideas of separations and divisions between people, physically and spiritually, there has emerged an opposing reaction, the fear of losing my identity in a world where it’s so easy to move around in and in a constant state of change. Losing my identity… who am I anyways?

Identity? What identity? Self-Identity? How I see myself in the local community of Maine where I have been living for 25 years? Or, now in a world of communities? Do I really identify myself through my work as a culinary arts professor on sabbatical? The son from a middle class, Chicago, Illinois, Jewish family? A middle aged, overweight, privileged white westerner? I might be seeking to identify and define myself by my cultural traits, religious upbringing, family orientation, geographic attachments, personal lifestyle, spoken language, eating preferences, physical attributes and many more. Am I using these qualities to define who I am, give me some idea of self-identity and give me some security of who I might be in relationship to the world as a whole? Who am I anyway if I am not any of the aforementioned?

We have seen the collapse of the Berlin wall and are currently seeing more walls rising in the USA and the middle east. Why do we still even see genocide in the 21^st century? It’s not the desire to preserve one’s own identity that is the problem. The problem is when our identity becomes a tool or a direct way for the exclusion and dis-empowerment of others.

As I sit here in my third story room directly across the street from the National Museum of Cambodia in Phnom Penh I get the opportunity to ponder how I might perceive my own self-identity after these 6-months of travel. I have been transported beyond any idea I may have conceived about myself which has left me feeling liberated, with a sense of freedom and an escape from any restricting thoughts. I’ve had moments of riding through the rice patties of Cambodia and thinking, am I really still in this body of mine? As if I am joining with something else that my mind cannot understand. I become part of the whole, the whole becomes part of me and I know I am not separate. In that moment, I have temporarily given up the limited awareness of any kind of label through which I may identify myself as and I have lost the fear of oneness with the whole and of my own death.

I am certain of the truth of who I am (my identity) because any thoughts and words I could possibly use to describe myself could only be limiting. The love I have for myself and the world has replaced any thoughts or preconceived worldly concepts. It’s where you and I BOTH become limitless together. I have become one with something beyond my own self-identity and body, simply by not letting any limitations of the thoughts in my mind get in the way.

Who are YOU?

26 Feb 2019

Angkor Temples – Siem Reap, Cambodia

by Maurice | posted in: Adventure, Sabbatical | 0

It’s still hard to believe that it’s been 6 months that I’ve been traveling through Asia. I am still feeling the effects that I talked about in my last blog, wanting time to recover from such wonderful heart connections. Thought I’d at least write something since it’s been a week or so… I started this blog a few days ago… so if my timing is off… please forgive me.

I’ve now arrived in Phenom Penh last night and will be touring around and getting educated on the Khamer Rouge and the genocide that took place here between 1975-1979. I have no idea of the quantity of bombing the USA did on Cambodia in secret during the Vietnam war. Over a half of a million tons of TNT dropped. WTF!?! I don’t remember this being talked about in history class in high school.

Cambodia was not on my to-do or places to go list. After finishing my time short in Nepal, I had some extra time on my hands and wanted to see more of Asia. Hearing all the wonderful things about Angkor Wat in Siem Reap and doing some homework about Cambodia… the Khmer Rouge communist party and the Killing Fields in the 1970’s and Angkor, the capitol of the Angkor Empire, a UNESCO historical site, I decided to make Cambodia a stop.

It’s been a hit here so far in Siem Reap. Definitely a heavy touristy destination with thousands of people gathering each day at 5am at Angkor Wat temple for the bucket list sunrise over the temple towers. Of course, I had to do that too, right?! The ancient and historic monuments here are breathtaking and a once in a lifetime and must-see experience.

I’m amazed at how these temples have physically withstood the test of time over 8 or 9 centuries through wars and climate changes. I’m even more amazed at how they let the thousands of people step onto the sandstone structures. You can see where the temples have been torn apart during wartime and how difficult it must have been to move all those heavy rocks around all by hand.

The foundation behind the easily carved sandstone exteriors are made of laterite. Laterite is mined while it is below the water table, so it is wet and soft. Upon exposure to air it gradually hardens as the moisture between the flat clay particles evaporates and the larger iron salts lock into a rigid lattice structure and become resistant to atmospheric conditions. Hence the long-standing ability of the buildings.

I’ve managed to strategize my time visiting all of the temples over the course of the 3-day ticket I purchased. It’s so jammed packed with people every day and on my first day after getting a late start, the 100F temperatures and beginning with the most popular spot, Angkor Wat and moving along to Angkor Thom I knew I needed a different strategy for my second day. I started with the 5am sunrise and then immediately moved to the lesser traveled temples before the midday heat. Then I took a break, had lunch and went back to Angkor Thom in the afternoon before they closed at 530pm. That seemed to work for me. I still need to plan my 3^rd and final day tomorrow.

Here’s a cool panorama I took the other day. http://m.360.io/wACy4S

I’m most enthralled with Angkor Thom. Inside there is a temple called Bayon temple. It was the last temple to be built as a Mahayana Buddhist shrine dedicated to the Buddha, though a great number of minor and local deities were also encompassed. There are 216 similar gigantic faces on the temple’s towers to other statues of the king has led many scholars to the conclusion that the faces are representations of Jayavarman VII himself. Others have said that the faces belong to the bodhisattva of compassion called Avalokitesvara or Lokesvara. I’d like to believe the latter. One of my plans is to go back there and play the Rockwell – Michael Jackson song, Somebody’s Watching Me.

Another bit of historical trivia… these temples were created in the 11^th century in the Hindu tradition dedicated to the God Vishnu. About the 14^th century they were converted to Buddhist temples and a lot of the Hindu gods were carved away and replaced with Buddha. In order to support a lot of the Hindu population, there are Hindu artifacts left in the temples to support them. To this day you will find both Hindu and Buddhist artifacts left in the temples. This was a familiar thing I’ve experienced in Kochi, India at St. George church. Where there was a small Shiva shrine in the church acknowledging the Hindu faith dwarfing with the ginormous Jesus shrine. I still find it almost enlightening that centuries ago people acknowledged each other and their beliefs and practices instead of just making their practices illegal.

Siam Reap is also a hip little town with quite the nightlife all along pub street and the night markets. Since the town is loaded with travelers and tourists like me and they cater to their every westernized perceived need. There is no lack for good coffee, mostly of the Arabica variety as they export most of the Cambodian coffee to reap the financial gain as Arabica coffee is cheaper. There is even a local brew pub, one of eight in Cambodia here in Siem Reap.

On my last day in Siem Reap I was invited to go up into the hills of Phnom Kulen National Park. I might write more about it later… in the meantime I want to get this posted for now…

21 Feb 2019

Love is a verb – Love is Action – Siem Reap, Cambodia

by Maurice | posted in: Love, Personal Growth, Relationship, Sabbatical, The Human Condition | 0

I’ve been here in Cambodia going on 6 days and I have not been moved to write. I wrote about every couple of days during my last few weeks in Thailand. I’m just getting over a chest cold that always takes longer to get over then anyone would like. And I’m enjoying this gorgeous villa here in Siem Reap that is providing me all the comforts of home as I make my way every day traveling to the many ancient Angkor temples in the area.

I’ve entered into my 6^th month of traveling through Asia. As much as I want to use the cliché’ term, time fly’s when you are having fun, that doesn’t quite explain it. I’ve wanted to do this kind of traveling for a long time and didn’t have the courage to do it until just recently. When the application for my sabbatical was approved, it was hard to believe. I even wondered if I should cancel it and just go back to work like any normal person working a regular job. Uh…. NO! That was just fear talking.

My last couple of days in Thailand was fraught with the sadness of grief as I spent those last 2 days with my newfound sister from another mother, Kay, after 10 days at her farm and several more at her home cooking together. We seemed to really see eye to eye on a lot of personal values and core principles that kept us talking for hours together. Now it was time to say so long…

I had to say goodbye so many times during these last six months. Some of the goodbyes were easy, and there were others that were hard. This one was one of the hardest. I checked out of my Airbnb and was hanging out in Bangkok waiting for my 8pm flight to Cambodia, Kay wanted to escort me to the airport. Kay shows up at the coffee-shop with a bag full of food. Sticky buns, egg sandwiches, Thai milk tea and spiced peanuts. These were things during previous days she remembered in our conversations that I really liked, and she spent the morning cooking for me. She arrived, and I was in tears. Joy and sadness all bundled up in those drops of water coming out of my eyes. I was being gifted such quantity of love that it was hard for me to even hold. This is a great example of “Love in action”.

One of the biggest joys I’ve had is meeting people and settling into their culture, homes, family and their lives. I’ve been privy to conversations with people that most keep to themselves or only share with their beloveds… developing a closeness and intimacy, only to have to say so long and not knowing when or if we will see each other again. My heart expands and then, sadly, I must leave. I’ve had this happen many times during the last six months. It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted. I’m tired. That is OK. It needs to be OK. I can recharge.

Seeing where family, culture and community meet cooking has opened up my eyes to the fundamentals of how we all are nourished around the table and through the entire process of meal preparation. There is no small part that is being played, even if you are only sitting around the table eating the food, that is enough. Love is the central ingredient… period… hard stop!

So after about 6 months of creating the life I want during this travel, I find myself being a bit guarded and wanting to be alone to recharge, sleep and listen to what the whispers in the Angkor temple mysteries are telling me. I’ve already completed what I said I would for my sabbatical… and then some! The thought of entering into another family’s realm is not appealing at the moment and I don’t have to do that. After making my way through Siem Reap and Phnom Penh I am hoping to land on the beaches on the island of Koh Rong for some unplugging that I wanted to do in Thailand but got wonderfully distracted. Shall see what happens.

Some things I am understanding a little deeper about myself and about others. Acts of service are my “love language”, which I knew already. Call it “love in action”, “love is action” … but I’d like to also call it … “love is a verb”. There are people who have a hard time expressing love, affection and appreciation verbally and by doing acts of service for others expresses their love to them. The quotes on this page says it all. Definitely give Andrea Gibson a listen below…

Love is action… not just a bunch of words…

18 Feb 2019

Some Of What I Learned From 2-months In Thailand

by Maurice | posted in: Adventure, Personal Growth, Relationship, Sabbatical, Spiritual | 2

It’s hard to believe that my 60-day Thailand visa expires Saturday and I will be on the next leg of my journey to Siam Reap, Cambodia. My journey in Thailand has taken me to places I never planned on going and meeting people I never expected to meet. I never made it to places I planned on going like Krabi or Phuket, but I did make it to places I didn’t plan on going in Issan, Nakhon Ratchasima (nicknamed, Korat) and Yasothon.

It took me a while to get some traction in Thailand in order to find a little bit of what I wanted in terms of culture and cuisine education outside of just going to a bunch of touristy classes. Thailand can be such a contradiction in its beliefs… like being Buddhist, where Buddhism has a nonviolence dharma, and Thailand is under military rule and condones cock fighting/gambling. And Thailand has taught me I could create the life just as I want despite any contradiction or ambivalence I may perceive in myself. Sadly enough, it is in that space between contradiction and creation, where I have seen complete shifts and even endings to a couple of, what I thought to be, good friendships. With openings come closure… when one door closes, another one opens.

I have given myself several days here in Bangkok before I fly out to Cambodia, to write, to explore a few more markets and temples, to be still, to reflect and to chill out. I decided to stay in the heart of Bangkok, so I could have access to all of the modern amenities and public transportation which I have become very accustomed to. It is hot and sticky with unhealthy air quality.

I am beginning to make my way through Siem Reap and then onto Phenom Penh, Cambodia. I bring with me the loving memories of time well spent in India, Nepal and Thailand. Landing in Siem Reap, I am fortunate to have booked an Airbnb that is a luxury villa just outside of town. The high ceilings, solid wood fixtures, a great working kitchen and a really cumfy bed that is helping me work on getting rid of this chest cold I picked up in Nakhon Ratchasima, Thailand.

I notice it’s like starting over again. Meeting new places, getting used to the lay of the land, where things are located and how I want to be spending my time. I’m not sure if I’m going to look into continuing mt investigation and exploring the communal cooking thing here in Cambodia. Possibly a little bit in Vietnam. I carry with me a heavy heart from leaving India and Thailand and the beautiful friendships and relationships that I have made while I was there. I realize it’s not the end of those relationships, its only a shift. I notice how much I’m enjoying my time alone and not having to negotiate things with others at the moment. I got my tickets to Angkor Wat, Angkor Thom, Ta Prohm, Banteay Kdei, Ta Keo, Neak Pean and Phnom Bakheng. I think that should keep me busy for a few days.

Writing Shifts

During these last couple of weeks, I have experienced a shift in my writing. As I give myself the time to settle and chill, I can sit in front of the keyboard and patiently let thoughts flow through my hands. Maurice? Writing what looks like and seems like poetry? WTF?

It has also gotten to the point where I feel I do not have much of anything to hide. I had second thoughts about putting some of these things out there in my writing and onto the internet. And then I had a friend say something to me that made things crystal clear. Basically, to know me is to love me. I get to be free from the bondage of thoughts in my mind, and because of that, you get to be free too should you choose to do so.

Cooking

What about the food? Thai food? Oh My God! THAI FOOD! I have learned how to cook so much Thai food. It’s actually sooo easy. The term is “sam rot” (สามรส), any three-part combination of the five primary flavors/tastes (sweet, sour, spicy, salty and bitter). Sam rot = three flavors = using any three tastes that suit your needs. Making your own chili pastes are wonderful and time consuming. And there are also lots of chili pastes out there to purchase. Of course, there’s nothing like making your own just the way you like it.

I have explored every possible outdoor, indoor, floating, morning and evening market I could possibly find. I have had kind and generous people educate me on the local foods and even show me how to cook them. I have tasted mediocre Thai food and I have tasted fabulous Thai food and I have learned the difference and reasons why. The reasons are simple. Love and Money.

Love and Money are languages that cross all language, religious and cultural barriers, and no matter where you are in the world and no matter what it is that you do. If you don’t love what you do and aren’t passionate about what you are doing as a cook/chef it shows in the quality of the product. Love will always be the main ingredient in all of the cooking process. Also, there are many food substitutions to make to reduce food costs and to make more money. Pad Thai has always been one of my favorite Thai dishes and I have tasted so many of them. If you are not using freshly made tamarind juice, a high-quality fish sauce and a high-quality palm sugar your final Pad Thai will not be up to par.

Street food vs. Restaurant food. In Thailand you can make the choice to eat a full-fledged westernized restaurant or you can eat street food. You can pay top dollar for restaurant food or you can pay only a few dollars for street food. I’ve had some not so great experiences in both. For the most part, I still prefer to eat the street food and the modified restaurant street food… which are seating areas around a food cart style kitchen. I’ve had some great conversations with restaurant owners and have been yelled at by a few because I demanded fresher cut items than the ones they were choosing to use. If you are going to work out in the open, you better be aware of the quality of the products you choose to use around someone like me.

You Can Live Your Life the Anyway You Choose

I’m not going to write anything about this because I already did… Click here.

Forgiveness and Letting Go

One of the big lessons for me is allowing myself to let go of any expectation I may have for an outcome in any situation and forgiving myself for any hard feelings I am creating for myself by having those expectations. It’s been so hard for me in my life to allow relationships to shift or have them end because we are not seeing eye to eye, or there are abusive tendencies, or conflict resolution is not a strong point, or we are plain and simply not a good match together. I’m not talking about just love relationships, I’m talking friendships and all other kinds of relationships.

I was once asked to consider being responsible for whatever it is was has happened for the loss of my marriage. Not taking on the blame and feeling guilty for it but, really looking at myself and not putting any responsibility onto someone else without them doing it for themselves and completely on their own. Grieving loss and abandonment has such a strong emotional pull in my life that it’s been a challenging practice not to blame myself for what may have gone wrong that led to relational shifts or endings. And then feel guilty for when someone has some negative feelings towards the situation and towards me. When it has gotten to that point, I realize it’s gotten to the point of becoming self deprecating and even to self-sabotage. It’s a deep-seated historical seed that has been planted many years ago. It’s hard to believe that I’m writing about this and will put it on my blog.

Everyone is doing the best that they possibly can at any given moment with the resources they have. Including you and me. I give my all and my best shot at being successful in all of my relationships. Once I feel I have made some progress dealing with shifts and loss, the universe is provides me with another opportunity to look at myself again, to forgive and to let go.

Traveling alone halfway around the world on this sabbatical with intentions of researching how communal cooking effects people’s sense of belonging in community, it shouldn’t be a surprise to me when personal things like this show up.

Buddha Dharma vs. The Religion of Buddhism

I have spent some time studying some of the philosophies of the teachings of Buddha. Things like non-violence, non-attachment, vipassana meditation, The Four Immeasurables, and some Zen Buddhist teachings. Then I come to Thailand and see that Buddhism is a complete religion with many sects, not unlike Christianity. But, what I find strange is the worshiping of idols and how contradictory the society is structured, contradicting the teachings of Buddha. There is a military controlled government who hasn’t held elections for along time and that vote keeps getting postponed by the monarchy. There are televised cock (chicken) fights, violence, that supports gambling which is an addiction (attachment). It’s just such a contradiction in terms.

It’s hard to believe that I am into my 6^th month of traveling though Asia. I’ve gotten used to being in unfamiliar places where I don’t speak the language, have no idea about how to get around or where to go and how to deal with the locals when they see me as an opportunity for them to scam me. I can feel the ease in my life that has been cultivated within myself from the time I left and landed in India until now. I’m curious what life will be like for me landing back home in Maine sometime in May before heading to the Montreal Jazz fest at the end of June. Ok, Maurice… stop time traveling… you are in Cambodia… get to exploring and creating more memories! As my friend Rudy would say…. ONWARD! ????

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