Part 2 – How Culture’s View of Communal Cooking Fosters Rich Human Connection – January 22, 2019

altarThere is so much to this topic. After I wrote part 1, I realized there was a part 2 to all this… and most likely a part 3, 4, etc. as things unfold over time and travels. Different cultures have different ways of cooking/eating together. I’m trying not to have a preference or a judgment about it and only report what it is that I’m finding.

patpongYesterday on a one hour walk from where I am staying into Silom, Bangkok, I came across an area where there is an outdoor market and a bunch of restaurants with mostly locals and no tourists. One of my favorite places to be. It was around lunchtime and was full of hustle and bustle. Most of the food items cost around B25-B75 (about $0.75 – $2.00) depending on the kind of meat protein in the items. Meat is the more expensive item, rather than the vegetables. Yes, the USA still has it backwards. I made a note to stop back through this area again when I was ready to eat… today was that day.

padthaisoupI walk into this restaurant where there are all locals eating. Students in their school uniform and aeronautical students with their epaulettes. I got a smile from one of the cooks which I find a rare occasion, so I stepped in and looked at the 9-item menu and decided to stay. I just so happened to order the most popular item on the menu… a pork-based soup… it was described to me as Pad Thai Soup. I’m really loving the noodle bowls here even in the hot weather.

It was my lucky day. The restaurant cleared out and I was the only one left inside finishing my meal. I looked around and mentioned to the owner, Burt, that maybe I should leave because having a foreigner in his place might not be good business. He spoke English fairly well and told me I was OK. I began asking him some questions about himself, how long he’s been in business, how long his employees have worked for him, standardizing recipes and his educational background.

burtandmauriceI received some really great data from Burt that affirmed what I have been experiencing around Bangkok, Pattaya, and Chiang Mai. That there isn’t much home cooking going on here and most people are eating outside of the home. People are meeting their friends and family outside of the home and the sense of community and belonging is happening in these market places and street food “restaurants”. These places are full of people all the time and there are a lot of unique items to purchase interspersed between the many of the same old typical Thai food items. You just have to know what to look for or hear by word of mouth.

Even as I sit here writing this in a mall full of westernized restaurants, I am surrounded by locals pulling out plastic bags full of street food.  Here in Bangkok, you can buy a cup of coffee on the street for $0.75US or you can go to Starbucks and spend the $3.00US. You can go to a restaurant and spend the $7US for the same item you can get at the street food market for $2US. Burger King and McDonald’s are more expensive than the Thai street food. It’s cheaper to eat street food than it is to cook it yourself.

Another thing I am finding is in regards to my Airbnb home-stays here in Thailand. Not every home has what we would call a formal kitchen, with a stove, oven, ventilation, hot water system, etc.. If a room has sink with running water, a refrigerator and a microwave, it is called a kitchen here. Most of the places I have stayed in have a one burner electric induction cook-top, a microwave and a refrigerator if they say they have a kitchen.

With all this in mind from part 1 and here in part 2, how would you deduce where Thailand’s culture of cooking lies? Where are the people here building their sense of community belonging around cooking? It’s been a fascinating investigation for me and one that has taken some time to figure out. I’ve needed to spend some time here, meeting people and having the necessary conversations in order to find the authentic home cooking experience which I am now exploring this week. It’s possible I have been looking in the wrong places, or I had some expectation it was going to look a certain way, or how it needed to look… a false idea of an outcome of sorts.

You definitely can find families who are cooking but, most of what I am finding is that people generally are eating the wonderful street food, together on the street, or bringing it home… “take away”. When people are cooking at home, the items are simple to prepare, with local readily available ingredients. It’s way too hot here to cook for long periods of time. It’s amazing to see how easy it is to cook the foods they are making on the street, Pad Thai, Pad C-U, Noodle bowls, Mango & Sticky Rice, Roast Red Pork/Duck

convexmirrorI can get a little bit confused about all this because I think I may need more time here in Thailand to get the experience I that might be truly there for me which comes out of building relationships. I think about what I would be like in a country where there has been a revolving door of people coming through. Where a lot of these people would not give back to the country and the people by making an investment of their own resources and heart. Only taking the resources and acting in a way that would benefit only themselves. It takes time to cultivate and nurture new relationships and to build trust with people to have them open their homes to you here. And understandably so based on the history of the culture.

In conclusion… I’m getting the experience I surely need here in Thailand. I’m incredibly grateful to the people who have opened up their hearts to me, and in some cases their homes (Heather, Pratima, Purada, Kay, LekNoy). This has been a rich and powerful experience which will have lasting effects on me for the rest of my life.

 

 

altarA deep bow to the divine in all!

 

 

 

 

 

How Culture’s View of Communal Cooking Fosters Rich Human Connection – Bangkok, Thailand – January 20, 2019

This topic has been the focus and intention for my sabbatical and travels here in South and Southeast Asia. The agreement with my employer was for my exploration to be in India for two months. My time in India flew by so fast. I wanted to extend the exploration of how communal cooking fosters rich human connection into Thailand and the rest of my travels throughout Asia.

It is important to mention that the concept of hospitality goes hand in hand with the aspect of communal cooking. How we welcome people into our homes, lodging facilities and food service establishments is the first experience people have before they get to settle into what it is they will be doing in these places.

I mentioned in previous writing describing the experience I had being welcomed into people’s homes in India and some of the differences I had in Nepal and now being in Thailand. I had no problem when I was in India finding families to stay with and cook with. And in Thailand, relating to the people and trying to find the “authentic” cooking experience has been challenging to find. Investigating the “why’s” has been a fun and challenging time after being here for about 5 weeks now.

kayAfter asking and asking and asking for what I want with people and being turned down time after time, I made a couple of connections with local people that I am currently following through with. One of these experiences was yesterday. I have been in email and SMS communication for several weeks with a personal chef, Kay, a woman who I was introduced to through someone who just so happened to speak English working at one of the main food markets in Bangkok.

I pause for a moment…
Before I go into writing about the absolutely beautiful experience I had I want to write about two things that I think had a big impact in my experience yesterday. The first being the development of trust in relationships and the second having a common world view / personal value.

Developing Trust

Developing trust between people takes time and isn’t necessarily a “given” in the beginning of any friendly connection. It is understandable to me here in Thailand, due to the history and stereotyping of the white, middle aged, westerner, “farang”, that they wouldn’t be welcomed into somebody’s home right from the beginning. What is it that the foreigner truly wants? Is there a hidden agenda? There has been many a traveler through Thailand who has left a messy trail for the locals to clean up. And the important thing I needed to remember… that in my presentation of myself I represent what has happened here in Thailand in the past. Developing a genuine connection and trust between the foreigner and the locals has been a challenge for me. Not impossible, but just not as easy as it was in India.

Personal Values / World View

It’s hard to develop a connection when one or more people has an internal mechanism protecting them from outside world and thinks something bad is going to happen from others. We live in a world where there is a tremendous amount of pain, betrayal and heartbreak everywhere. Nobody is immune to it. There is only one way out of this world and we are all on that path. How we choose to deal with our pain and see the goodness in people and the universe is up to us. Having a personal world view or a value system that see’s people as generally good natured has helped me let go of any ideas I had of how things were going to be for me here in Thailand.

Ok… now I can continue…

After a 14hr overnight train ride from Chiang Mai I arrived in Bangkok and checked into my Airbnb to take a nap before I go to the next destination. I was invited to Kay’s home to first, have a conversation and then second, to see about cooking together. I arrived about 1pm and proceeded to have conversation until about 4pm. There were many topics covered… religion, relationship, family upbringing, cooking philosophy, life experiences and many others that left me feeling like I was with an old friend picking up where we left off the last time we were together.

howwetreateachotherWe had some very similar views about cooking, spirituality, relationship, being of service to others and many more. We even chuckled at the realization that there we were, a Muslim and a Jew, having a great conversation without any conflict.  There was a topic about being in a society that has “classes” and how after you attain a certain level of status you would never again have to clean the toilets. Check out this article about how China is hiring only university graduates to clean toilets.

It’s hard for me to remember everything which I would like to do sometimes, and this is one of those times where I’d like to. Being tired after a long overnight travel had me more open with less fear and insecurities which was wonderful to be in the flow of the moment. And sometimes when truth speaks from the heart it bypasses the brain.

We didn’t talk about cooking, menu planning, what I would like to learn about Thai cooking, what she would like to get in return/compensation… none of that. I didn’t even remember that I came with this sabbatical intention of mine. It was all purely human connection and seeing the beauty in each other. It brings tears to my eyes just writing this. Which, by the way, is not what strong people do in this culture, show and express their emotions. THIS… is a great example of how communal cooking fosters rich human connection. I was being blessed and knew it.

papayasaladKay has an outdoor kitchen and a fully stocked pantry with all the sauces, spices and condiments you could possibly need for cooking in her outdoor. She took me to her front yard and showed me the things she had growing… things like Thai basil, mulberries, chilis, lemongrass and many many other things. We had the conversation about how spicy things are cooked and personal preferences for spiciness as she picked these tiny bomb peppers. I thought I liked things spicy, HA! Kay then proceeded to go through her refrigerator and pull things out she was going to cook for dinner for her family. Mackerel, green papaya, lotus trunk, sapodilla, grass jelly… and I became her commis chef, peeling and julienne green papaya, frying mackerel, and stir frying the lotus trunk.

I was in a completely unfamiliar environment with unfamiliar equipment and unfamiliar ingredients. I officially became Kay’s student and understudy. I was remembering the lesson I give to my students about some of the signs of a good cook… being in an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar ingredients and equipment and producing a meal that people love. I was fortunate to have Kay there with me as the guiding force behind the cooking. My oil wasn’t hot enough in the wok for the fish, I burned a little of the garlic for the lotus trunk… what kind of chef did I think I am? None of this food was any of the food I had imagined I wanted to learn to cook. I laugh at myself as I type these words out. It was totally perfect, and I loved every minute of it.

fullmealWe sat and ate, and I thought maybe one of Kay’s children would join us who ran out of the house to work after over sleeping. There was a conversation of going to one of the markets that evening. It was after 8pm and I was tired and called it a day. We have another plan to cook together on Thursday. I am so looking forward to being in the presence of Kay, a beautiful human and a talented chef.

 

 

 

 

 

 

sauceforfish chefmo1 chefmo2     mackarelinwok

drseuss

Paed Tidt 8-Directional Sak Yant – Chiang Mai, Thailand – January 18, 2019

When I decided I was coming to Thailand I wanted to investigate the possibility of getting a Sak Yant tattoo. There was something unique and special about having a seasoned monk perform a sacred ritual inside a Buddhist temple while performing a hand-crafted art practiced for thousands of years. And today is the last day I will spend in Chiang Mai, Thailand and it comes with bittersweet feelings.

satyankfrontThe last couple of weeks have provided me yet another growth opportunity to continue to look inside of myself, echoes of my past, and make the choices I needed to for myself to continue to be at peace with who I am, how I engage with people around me (friends, beloveds and the corner market cashier) and how I want to continue to offer the gifts I’m meant to be giving back to this world. As painful as some of these moments have been during the past couple of weeks, I’m at peace with myself, accepting what is. I want to express my gratitude to the people who have been around me and communicating with me.

One of the first days after I arrived to Chiang Mai I just by chance walked by one of the most popular Sak Yant places. It was then I was reminded that I wanted to check out this possibility. I stopped in and had a conversation with the receptionist, looked at the books with the designs and made the appointment. I knew I would need the guidance of the monk to help me decide what I wanted. Taking into account my own personal mantras, values, my work in the world and the practices towards peace I would have to sit with this idea for about 10 days because that was the only time their most practiced, 30yr veteran monk was available.

firsttattooI’ve never really been a tattoo person in my life except when I decided I wanted to design one for myself a couple of years ago. I spent about 6 months designing the only tattoo I have on my left arm and I appreciate the intentions and meanings around the decided upon design with the Celtic knots and the meanings of the words. If you are interested learning more about my first tattoo click here. This tattoo is a compilation of personal values that I embrace and practice in my life and forgive myself for when I don’t make the mark, which happens more regularly than I like to admit sometimes.

Being in the mix of the choices I made for myself, facing into the “farang-ness” here in Thailand as well as people’s individual challenges dealing with my expression in this world I continued to look at different Sat Yank designs that would represent me and help continue to set the intentions I have moving forward in my life. One of my teachers said… modern-day world is paved with intentions.

rachan-monkI sat in front of Monk Rachan and was reminded that no matter how liberal I think USA is – there is a class system here in Thailand – I am NOT EQUAL to a Monk and of course not, I did not devote my life to the study of Buddhism, celibacy and relinquishing my worldly possessions. Think about how you would act towards a judge in a court case, who looks as if they might let you off with a warning for some indiscretion and is just waiting for you to give them any reason to throw the book at you. I was on my knees and also sitting lower than him.

After giving the monk my offerings, I sat and talked a little bit about who I am, my work in the world, my personal mantras and showed him a few of the designs I liked. With his guidance I decided on the Paed Tidt 8 directional Yant.

This video will give you some idea of what Sak Yant is all about…

Paed Tidt / 8-Directional Sak Yant Here is what was explained to me and some of what I pulled off of the internet about the Paed Tidt Yant …

The Sak Yant design ‘Paed Tidt’ or Eight Direction Yant is a sacred Geometric Yant containing eight Mantras written in 2 concentric circles in the center of the design. The design of the Paed Tidt Yant also incorporates eight representations of the Buddha. These are the groups of 3 ovals each increasing in size from the top.

In Thailand, there is a Buddha image, each one in a different pose, for every day of the week. (On Wednesdays there are 2 Buddhas, one for the morning and one for the evening) and these 8 Buddha Images can be seen in many Thai temples, usually surrounding a Chedi.

The Paed Tidt Yant will give you protection in whichever direction you are traveling and ward off evil spirits. The script used on the Paed Tidt Yant is an ancient Khmer script known as Khom. The Mantras written in the Paed Tidt Yant and which should be chanted when going out to give further protection are as follows.

The yant is not necessarily for traveling per se, but is for pulling in good luck and protection from all 8 directions and is also good when travelling as all yants are. This is a powerful yant to be helpful in the future which is a form of traveling but has no compass directions. Do not limit your mind.

Unaalome, which is the circle at the bottom represents the life you live with the many earthly distractions we encounter in our daily lives. If you let these things control your life you will go around in circles. Get rid of these things and you will get on the ever-increasing spiral. The more you do this the better your life will be. The spiral represents the head and spirals around the crown of the scalp until it reaches the top center point of the scalp. The straight line pointing upwards represents the straight path to Enlightenment without any wavering behavior that the Arahants have accomplished.

It is believed the better you get at cutting these negative influences out, you will get to enlightenment much faster.

There are rules which the Yant bearer should try and follow. These can vary from master to master. Nothing will happen badly if you stray from some of the rules. Try and keep to the rules and your life will be good. Below is a good example of these rules:

  1. Do not kill a person for pleasure.
  2. Do not steal for your own personal gain.
  3. Do not lie to harm others. We all tell white lies and there is a difference.
  4. Do not have sexual relations with another’s partner.
  5. Do not spit in the toilet. The toilet should be a clean place and not to keep it so, shows disrespect to oneself and others.
  6. Do not swear at or disrespect your parents in any way.
  7. Do not speak about people behind their back in a manner likely to cause harm.
  8. Do not over consume alcohol and become troublesome to others. Keep in control.
  9. Do not walk under female underwear. The reason for this is to avoid temptations and distractions that the opposite sex can bring. Monks themselves are not allowed to touch a woman’s skin for this very reason and when a monk tattoos a female, he will wear surgical gloves.
  10. Do not partake in evil deeds. Avoid all contact with such happenings whenever possible.

Now I can continue to heal and make my way back to Bangkok tomorrow. My time in Thailand is limited and I’m not sure where I may be headed to next. Maybe Cambodia to visit Anchor Wat or to Vietnam. There is more life to be revealed to me once I arrive in Bangkok.

 

How We See Others Is How We See Ourselves – Part 2 – The Dance of Defensiveness and Taking Things Personally

connectionOne of the big lessons Thailand is teaching me is how I cannot take things personally or get defensive when people decide they want to see me through the eyes of their culture, their personal history or even if they might just be having a bad day. I have no control over how other people view me. All I can do is yield to what is, accepting the present moment for what it brings.

denialI only have control over how I view myself and how I listen to hear the words of others and the message they are trying to communicate to me. Having meaningful conversations and connections with people has been a priority in my life. And here I am, again, faced with having to look at how I need to engage with people choosing to engage with me in a defensive manner and see me the way they want to here in Thailand.

There are so many markets here in Thailand. From the wonderful foods, to the locally produced items to the knock-offs made in Vietnam. Sometimes it’s hard to know what’s genuine and authentic because someone’s interest is to only make money and not be honest with you. I walk around these places with curiosity and look for things that are unique and out of place. I bought these Tibetan Bodhi Seed Mala from the states and was looking for the same here in Thailand. Not to be found really. I found a couple of them that are REALLY expensive ($200-600US) and got educated about hoe people sometimes grind down the seeds to make them small and it’s the small ones that get the high price.

defensivenessIn my search of new mala necklaces I stumbled across a store that had antique tribal necklaces from over 200 years ago. One of the problems is that the woman who owned the store was not a happy person and you could tell when you walked into the place. I proceeded to ask about the jewelry behind a locked display case and she could not tell me very much about them at all, other than they were 200 years old. It was a beautiful necklace of what looked like tiny old metal washers (maybe brass or bronze) except they were stringed with a piece of yarn and needed to be re-strung. And they had a price tags of $120-310US. After I said I wasn’t sure about buying them because I wanted a little more history, I proceeded to get scolded because of the mess that was made from taking the things out of the display case and that she wasn’t even making a sale. I left a little confused. Was it really my fault that this shop owner was upset? Of course, it wasn’t.

relationshipdefensivenessBut what about other even more personal engagements?

Lately I have experienced some challenging conversations with people around me that I care very much about. It’s been challenging for me to get into these discussions and see them deteriorate when someone feels a need to get defensive with me or they see something I’m saying as critical of them. Especially with the people I love and care about. This has happened at the workplace, in my personal life and with the shop owner as I mention above.

Give up your position

It’s the person who has the most sanity at any given moment who needs to yield. All we have is to practice our own self-regulation, having compassion and extending kindness. To yield in any given situation when a discussion is going south. When someone is getting defensive and taking things personally the ability to get a point across is definitely diminished. I have learned the only choice someone has in these situations is to yield to wanting to feel seen or be heard and to be with the other person in their expression. It’s most challenging when emotions are high and time-outs aren’t seen as productive.

misunderstoodPerhaps someone was getting triggered by something I said that has little to do with me. Maybe old hurts were getting activated from a prior relationship or from a historical trauma. I cannot be so upset thinking someone is upset with me.

Backing off from blaming ourselves or others gives some space from a situation to get a bigger perspective. We listen openly and non-defensively without taking it so personally. We maintain our boundaries rather than immediately sink into feeling shameful or react in a defensive way. We practice hold our own feelings and someone else’s feelings with more spaciousness, while exploring together what just happened.

Regain Perspective

I’m reminded that by being triggered by a loved one or stranger, we may respond personally because we are human beings who thrive on kindness and compassion and can withdrawal when poked.

victorfranklThe good news is that traction can be regained by remembering to take the time to pause before responding and being more aware of ourselves when we react. We can be gentle to our tender spots and help make others aware of them.  And give some intentional space to the situation, so we are able to see things with understanding and non judgment and can try to look at the situation from a different perspective other than our own. We can learn and practice tapping into empathetic resources within ourselves and realize that not everything is about us. When we’ve made a mistake, we can acknowledge it, repair broken trust, and be more mindful moving forward.

Continually, we can live with more kindness and compassion for ourselves and others.

I needed to write to remind this to myself.

haveabeer

 

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