Listening: Connection Before Correction

listening01When we speak, we are not asking to be advised, fixed, or given solutions. We are asking to be seen. To be understood. To be heard. And yet, people so often hear someone’s pain or confusion as a cry for help—something broken that needs repair. We rush in with suggestions, solutions, opinions and interpretations, convincing outselves we’re helping. We've been taught that love looks like solving problems and that care means offering the quickest escape from discomfort.

But love—real love—is slower than that. Love listens first. It holds space. It sees the other through their pain, not as their pain. It acknowledges their experiences as complete, not flawed. It allows someone to be whole, even when they may feel broken. True listening asks for stillness and presence without an agenda. It requires that we set aside the urge to fix, to judge, or to correct. It invites us to meet someone exactly where they are—not where we wish they were, and not where it would be easier for us to love them.

The rarest kind of love may not be based on usefulness, improvement, or potential. It is simply the grace of being loved for who we are, as we are.

What It’s Like to Receive (& Make Mistakes)

compassionatelisteningI’ve had moments where someone simply let me speak—and stayed with me. No interruption. No analysis. No direction. Just presence. It’s as if they opened a quiet room inside themselves and invited me in. In that space, I could be messy, uncertain, and unclear—and I was still welcome. When someone listens like that, something inside begins to untangle. I hear myself more clearly. I don’t need their advice because I start to discover my own clarity.

For 18 years, I participated in—and later facilitated—men’s support circles rooted in this kind of compassionate presence. Listening wasn’t just a skill; it was a lifeline. There was a man in our group who came every week, repeating the same story about how stuck he felt in his life. Week after week, for years, I sat and listened. I didn’t push him, didn’t offer solutions, didn’t ask for change. I was just present.

But one week, something in me shifted. He started in again, and I found myself losing patience. I snapped. I told him I was tired of hearing the same complaints without action. The room went silent. I knew immediately I had crossed a boundary. I felt my tail between my legs. That moment wasn’t just a lapse—it was a realization. Even with years of practice, I had limits. Even seasoned listeners get overwhelmed.

That experience taught me that listening is not about perfection. It’s not about never losing patience. It’s about noticing when we hit our limits, returning to presence, and honoring the relationship with honesty and humility. Listening means showing up with both compassion and self-awareness—respecting both the one who is speaking and the one who is listening.

The Contrast with What’s Modeled: In the Family

ralphnicholsMost of us aren’t taught how to listen. In families, caring and love often looks like fixing. There's a rush to comfort, to offer advice, to smooth over someone’s pain. The intention may be care, but the impact is more often disconnection. We're taught to respond, not to stay. We’re rewarded for offering solutions, not for creating space where someone can be seen and heard without interference.

We become fluent in easing or erasing discomfort, instead of becoming fluent in holding it. Many of us grew up in households where the pattern of love was transactional: emotional struggles were met with instructions; feelings were corrected instead of welcomed. The result is a kind of love that’s efficient but not intimate. It can’t bear the silence of another’s pain without trying to cover it up. Listening, in these environments, becomes reactive rather than receptive.

The Contrast with What’s Modeled: In the Workplace

listening02That same reflex appears in professional settings, though it wears a different mask. In workplaces, listening often becomes a tool for extraction—a way to gather information, manage perception, or streamline productivity. I remember a time at the college where I worked when the president attempted to balance the budget by laying off half the full-time instructors in the culinary department. The environment became tense and uncertain. I did my best to hold space, to listen to my colleagues as fear took hold.

Then the administration decided to combine two leadership roles into one impossible job. Everyone recognized how overwhelming it would be. Not even the vice president agreed with the newly created position. When the hiring process began, I spoke up and urged them to expand the candidate pool, to look for someone qualified who understood the scale of the job. But they dismissed my suggestions and hired someone with no culinary experience to lead the culinary arts department. I was told to “give it a chance.”

That moment crystallized the way institutions often pretend to listen without actually doing so. The decision was already made. Feedback was tolerated but not absorbed. It reinforced something I’ve come to understand more deeply over time: in many professional spaces, listening is not an act of recognition—it’s a tactic. The reward system prioritizes action and outcome. Presence, care, and trust don’t generate profit. The value of being seen is dismissed because it cannot be measured.

Where Trust Begins: The Space Rarely Given

honestyandlisteningThe most transformative listening doesn’t come with advice, strategies, or timelines for healing. It comes with space. A space where we’re not interrupted, redirected, or evaluated. A space that doesn’t demand improvement unless we want it for ourselves.

Most of us were never taught to give that kind of space to others—or even to ourselves. It takes real patience to sit beside someone else’s pain without reaching for an exit ramp. It takes strength to stay emotionally present while setting aside the urge to fix. But true listening is a kind of quiet rebellion within ourselves; to quiet the urges to respond and offer unsolicited advice. True listening creates the conditions where people feel safe enough to be who they are. It tells us that our feelings don’t need justification, our stories don’t need polishing, and our wholeness isn’t dependent on being understood.

The truth is that life’s answers usually surface when we’re heard—not when we’re told what to do. This kind of space is rare. Most of us didn’t grow up with it. It’s not the default in families. It’s not built into the structures of work. And sometimes, even in therapy, we are interpreted before we are fully seen.

Real listening asks us to stay a little while longer, to soften a little bit more. To witness someone’s truth, someone’s pain, not through the lens of who they should be, but through the courage of who they already are. Maybe that’s the rarest kind of love: not the love that seeks to improve us, but the love that finds us most worthy when we are most real. Because relationships move at the speed of trust. And trust moves at the speed of being seen.

Following the Voice, Learning to Let Go

BospherousCoffeeThis morning I sit in a small Istanbul coffee shop along the Bosphorus. The city hums and pulses around me — cars, motorbikes, trams, people rushing off to work, ferries gliding across the water, tourists drifting toward the Old City or wandering through Taksim Square. My chair is stiff. My legs ache from the twenty-five kilometers I’ve walked over the past few days. Part of me wants to lace up my shoes and walk some more, but another part knows today is for rest. Tomorrow, the Asian side of the city is calling.

No Regrets

I’m fortunate to be here — at this point in my life. Fifty-six. Still healthy. Money in the bank. I built a career in restaurants and hospitality, invested in real estate, and spent twenty-five years teaching Culinary Arts at a government college. Along the way, I’ve been lucky enough to gather a handful of good friends.

I have no second thoughts about leaving Amerikkkah. It’s no longer the country I grew up in — unrecognizable, really. I taught my students that the propaganda of the Amerikkkahn Dream was dead. You make your money, live modestly, and leave before the ground gives out beneath your feet. Life was never meant to be an endless hustle.

Inner Critic

innercriticseries
credit: Katarina Thorsen

For years I’ve sat with, listed to and battled with this voice inside me — what I’ve come to call my inner critic. I’ve worked with teachers, therapists, counselors, monks; I’ve sat in meditation halls, counseling rooms, workshops — all to better understand this particular current that runs through me.

This voice can have a harsh edge. Most people carry some version of it. We inherit it young, long before we know we’re carrying anything at all. For some of us, it grows strong early — as a survival mechanism, a way to stay small enough, careful enough, good enough to avoid the next wave of criticism waiting in the lurches. 

I’ve learned to recognize where this voice has served me well — and where it does not. It sharpens me in the kitchen, pushing me to refine a dish, finding a better balance of flavors. But it has no place in relationship between two people.

The critic whispers: You’re not good enough, they are not good enough, the world is a fucked up place. And if you make the choice to believe it, if your personality identifies with it, it shapes you — quietly, relentlessly. You don’t even realize it’s simply an internal pattern. It becomes to feel factual. Deep down, I know that voice isn’t who I am. It isn’t you either. It’s just a voice from the past.

Double Displacement

defencemechanismsI grew up in Amerikkkah in the 1970s — a time that, in some ways, held more openness, more possibility, more freedom. But also carried its own silent weights. Nobody wanted to hear you didn’t complain. You didn’t speak of family troubles. Achievement became the measure of how people saw your worth, even your self worth. Emotional vocabulary was thin; conversations about feelings were rare. You tried to keep to yourself, handling your own business.

Now I’m in Thailand — a world entirely its own. There is a kind of beautiful harmony here, as surface as it might sometimes be, a cultural leaning toward acceptance, an ease with uncertainty. But emotions often remain unspoken, kept inside and private. The deeper work of naming, processing, and sharing feelings doesn’t always have a place. At times, it has me question the emotional intelligence of the people — though I know, again, this is my inner critic speaking too.

I find myself in a kind of double displacement. The country I knew feels unfamiliar now. The one I live in doesn’t fully match my wiring. And wherever you go, there you are — the critic still travels with me, scanning the horizon, searching for flaws, looking for danger that no longer exists.

Projections

innervoicesThe inner critic doesn’t limit itself to my own self. It’s not just a private voice; it extends its reach outward. It scans the world around me — people, situations, even entire cultures — searching for flaws, weaknesses, missteps. It whispers: “This isn’t right. That could fall apart. Watch out for that one.”

In some ways, it’s still trying to protect me — keeping me alert, as if constant vigilance will keep the ground steady beneath my feet. But it also distorts my vision. I sometimes find myself seeing what’s wrong before I see what’s good. In relationships, it can push me to fix, correct, or control what doesn’t actually need fixing. In new environments, like this one, it can prevent me from fully receiving what’s being offered, because part of me is always assessing whether it’s safe enough to let my guard down.

The critic projects not just self-judgment, but judgment of everything. And yet, I know: that too is an old habit, a survival pattern — not the truth.

This habit of scanning doesn’t stop with individuals. My inner critic easily projects into the wider world — onto the politics and state of affairs back in Amerikkkah, into the wars and conflicts that seem endless, into the dysfunctions of government and greed. I see clearly — sometimes too clearly — the broken machinery that powers much of modern life.

Even here, living abroad, the critic finds new territory. In Thailand, I see the shadows behind kreng jai — where harmony sometimes silences truth, where the avoidance of conflict can quietly enable power imbalances. In Istanbul, I feel the old patterns stirring again — the undercurrents of control, historical wounds, and unspoken tensions in a culture still carrying layers of empire, religion, and national identity.

The voice that follows me doesn’t just search inside — it searches everywhere. At times, it helps me see what others may not name. But often, it leaves me standing outside the flow of life, tangled in judgment, unable to fully rest inside what simply is.

The Gift & The Challenge

whereveryougothereyouareThe world I came from taught control, improvement, self-perfection. Always find what’s wrong so you can fix it. If you miss something, the ground might give way beneath you. Self-monitoring, hyper-awareness, constant striving — this was the emotional place I came from.

Thailand offers something else entirely — acceptance, non-attachment, the release of trying to control what cannot be controlled. Small flaws are let go. Harmony is protected. Suffering comes not from imperfection, but from the refusal to accept it.

At times, people here have said to me: Why do you always look for the mistakes?
They see an old coping mechanism, a foreign habit of mind. They’re not wrong. But they don’t see where it was born.

The gift — and the challenge — are bound together. This culture might teach me how to soften the critic’s grip. If I can allow myself to absorb even a little of this gentle acceptance, I might learn to live differently.

The challenge is trust — trusting that things won’t collapse if my critic stops scanning. Allowing imperfection to live — in myself, in others, in the cultures I’ve come from and the one I now inhabit. Learning to sit quietly inside life’s uncertainty.

The work, I’ve come to see, isn’t about the impossibility of silencing the critic entirely. It’s about understanding what sits beneath its harsh voice. The critic holds pain differently than the softer, more vulnerable parts inside me. While the wounds of the past will always live inside me, the critic has taken on the power of those who once did the hurting. In that reversal, I sometimes become the one who turns that harshness inward — and at times, outward onto others. What was once done to me, I now risk doing to myself, and to the world around me.

But like the vulnerable self, the critic too can change. If I can begin to imagine that these old roles aren’t fixed — if I can practice a kind of inner flexibility — then something new becomes possible. Slowly, in small steps, a different kind of relationship can take shape between the part of me that once judged harshly and the part that longed to be protected. This is, as Process-work calls it, a “path made by walking.” And I am still walking.

  • Mending Trust
  • Broken Trust
  • Trapeze Trust
  • Links of Trust
  • Broken Trust

The Dark Roads of Trust and Its Ghosts

cannotbelieveyouI travel down dark streets through Thailand at night. There are no police patrols, no one to call if something goes wrong. Vehicles speed closely past me that I can feel the wind shift across my skin.

Am I being held together by rust and a prayer?

The road is a kind of battleground … not just disarray from broken machines, but from the emotional wreckage behind the wheels.

Including myself.

Trust isn’t just absent, its upended. To trust, means to invite harm and welcome the possibility of betrayal. Letting down my guard would be like driving blindfolded. I walk unarmored, unprepared into a fight I didn’t start, and one I can never win.

I can feel the layers of armor I have putting on over the years. There were times I thought I had shed some of it, peeling it away layer by layer, piece by piece. Yet my antennas are up; I remain on high alert.

I stay ready.

Even if nothing comes, and sometimes nothing does. The weight of the readiness does not lift.

I carry it mile after mile, day after day, and it’s exhausting.

The Tension: “Just Let It Go”?

letgoI want to be able to let go of some of this armor and begin to trust again. There are days when I can feel it loosening, when I can breathe a little easier.

However, recent events have reminded me how quickly trust can turn with every small betrayal. They keep me wary and armored once again. It’s not just the memories of past hurts. It’s here too in the present. In new faces and old patterns.

Another betrayal. More silence, where there should have been transparency and honesty.

I thought my father’s illness would strip things down to what mattered in the family, an opportunity to bring people closer. For a time, I believed old distances could close. That we could meet, not as we had been, but as we needed to be for him.

I opened myself, carefully, like loosening a seam that had been stitched shut for too long. But the familiar disappointments returned — quiet and relentless. Trust doesn’t only break loudly; sometimes it just erodes, a slow wearing away of hope over time.

Yet, I live in a contradiction … wanting to soften and be open … while needing to brace myself for the worst.

The armor I have worn, and shed, and worn again – has never been about my strength. It has always been about my own survival.

And I know, surviving is not the same as living.

emotionalsafetyCan Trust & Loyalty be Bought?

It leaves me wondering what trust even means when it has a price tag attached.

Living in Thailand has added a new layer to this experience. Here, trust and loyalty can feel transactional — not something built slowly over time, but something bought and sold. The role men play is often defined as economic provider. For foreigners, that expectation is turned up even higher.

I’ve been told that men can “buy” a woman’s loyalty – with monthly allowances, with gifts, with the constant offering of financial security. It’s a very different concept than what I grew up with in the West, where loyalty and trust were supposed to be built slowly, like feeding a piggy bank one coin at a time. And when betrayal happened, the piggy bank of trust wasn’t just cracked, it shattered. Trust is emptied completely.

Here, trust feels more fragile.
More tied to money. 

Maybe that’s why it feels safer to stay armored.
It’s hard to trust what can be bought and sold.

The Cost of Armoring

hastostopI am paying the cost of wearing this armor. It’s heavy. Slowly wearing me down. It shows up in ways I don’t always notice – in my hesitation to trust again, in second guessing myself and the constant feeling that I have to watch my back.

It’s keeping me from living the kind of life I want, one where I can breathe easily and not be on guard all the time.

The armor, the distrust, keeps me safe. But also keeps me distant.
Alone.
Once again, I am tired of carrying it.

Sometimes it’s hard to know whether I’m inside a legitimate protection mechanism or if I am stuck in a pattern I don’t know how to step out of.

Yet every time I try to loosen up, to begin opening, to love and trust again, something happens to remind me why I put it on in the first place.
It’s not just old stories playing in my head.
It’s the reality that even now, not everyone is safe. Not everyone can be trusted.

I have been able to release some of this armor before in my life.
I know trust can be built again.
It will take patience and time.
I want to believe I don’t have to live armored forever.

But for now, I will carry it.
Because for now, it’s what I know.

In the Wake of “Yes”: Living with Ambivalence & Paradox

newchangeA Natural Part of Change

I’m sitting in the middle of monsoon season, again. It’s raining every day, carving rivers into the streets. The threat of flooding returns, like my memory of being displaced and evacuating my home this past October. A few weeks ago, the earth shook – an earthquake that rattled more than just the walls of the house I was in.

I sold everything last year and moved to Thailand with a conviction to begin a new chapter of life.

As I explore the many coffee shops in Chiang Mai I am surrounded by the hum of a language still partly foreign, sipping strong coffee and eating something sweet … I wonder: Was this move I made brave, or was this running away?

Ambivalence sits next to me. I am uncomfortable. I want to push it away. It doesn’t speak clearly or in full sentences. It shows up in the pause before I respond to friends who ask, “How’s Thailand?” It lives in the unstable silence of emotion… swirling in gratitude and doubt.

The Art of Ambivalence

Ambi” = both sides
“Valence” = strength or power
So, ambivalence literally means: 👉 “The strength of both sides.”
ambivalence
https://www.artsy.net/artwork/greg-mike-ambivalence

I remember the Motivational Interviewing (MI) training I attended many years ago. It wasn’t just about learning how to help others — it was about learning how to work with the art of ambivalence inside myself.

If I can hold my own inner conflicts with compassion, I can better hold space for others doing the same.

There’s real strength in being able to hold two truths at the same time — to want and not want, to grieve and feel grateful, to stay and to leave. I keep reminding myself: ambivalence isn’t weakness. It’s a deeply human response to change, and it deserves to be normalized.

Some days, the tug-of-war inside makes me feel like I’m going a little out of my mind. But then I remember — it’s not craziness, it’s courage.

It takes strength to look in two directions at once. And the more capacity I can develop to tolerate that tension the better equipped I am to make wise, grounded decisions. And the less likely I am to leap into impulsivity just to escape the discomfort.

Ambivalence invites me to make choices with greater wisdom and integrity.

GrengJaiParadise with Paradox

Life in Thailand is beautiful … and can sometimes be a little disorienting.

The Thai language is rich of emotional vocabulary, especially through the use of the word “ใจ” (jai), meaning heart. It appears in dozens of compound words that describe emotional states, revealing a beautiful emotional awareness embedded in the language.

That beauty, however, is complicated by cultural imperatives like เกรงใจ (kreng jai), the deep desire not to inconvenience or burden others. And the powerful social norm of saving face. These values shape how emotions are expressed (or not expressed) in daily life.

👉 Read more: Getting to the Heart of the Thai Language

The pulse I feel here is the cultural contrast. Western culture tends to emphasize assertiveness, individuality, and directness. Thai culture, through kreng jai, emphasizes interdependence, harmony and social cohesion. The clash between these values creates a subtle yet persistent dilemma.

On one hand, Thai culture honors the emotional landscape — it has words for so many subtle shifts of heart. On the other hand, it discourages the open expression of those feelings, especially when they might cause discomfort, confrontation, or loss of face.

It’s a place that often looks like peace. But if you peek behind the curtain, you can feel the tension. Especially in those moments when people smile politely in conversation, only to erupt in road rage in traffic later.

This is the paradox: People feel deeply but are often not safe to speak deeply.

The Grace of Unfinished Decisions

I came to Thailand not to escape my past – I came here to be honest. To step into something that could only emerge by letting go of what no longer fit.

Of course, there is grief in that.  And also, great relief.

It’s the experience of paradox – and ambivalence – that helps me honor both.

Change is rarely clean and simple, as much as I wish it sometimes were.

These big life shifts I am living – loss of my father, quitting my job, selling nearly everything, and getting out of ‘merikkkah. Needs to be lived into slowly, sometimes painfully and beautifully.

Like learning Thai, a language rich with emotional heart-vocabulary that I butcher daily, but keep trying to speak.

Life keeps moving. I keep listening. Watching clouds burst open and feeling the ground tremble beneath me.

I recall a teaching… “There’s no such thing as failure”

Only the commitment to stay with my own process.

There’s grace in showing up again and again, in sitting with the unanswered questions, even when I am craving resolution and answers.

So… Bring on the rain. Let the floodwaters rise. Let the earth shift beneath me.

I commit to not treating these things as interruptions to the life I am building.

They are part of it, part of the unfolding of a life I am still learning how to live.

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