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Vulnerability…what does it mean? It means getting outside the protective ego and exposing your weaknesses and your desires in the face of being destroyed. If you want to have great sex and experience intimacy, a willingness to be sexually vulnerable is a must.

First, physically, you are vulnerable. The man, has his phallus exposed, the woman is open, physically open to penetration. The man, if gay is physically open to penetration in a different way and there is enormous physical vulnerability. Physical vulnerability and all of the armor we use to protect ourselves is not at play.

Secondly, there is enormous emotional vulnerability…why? Because when you step outside of the controlling ego, outside of the place of control there is a whole other realm. In this realm, there is vulnerability with possibility of being rejected, criticized, abandoned or any of our favorite fears. Ego obliteration. Totally Destroyed. The self as you know it in orgasm and in the moments leading up to orgasm, disappears. That’s a huge deal. Being able to show someone your loss of control in sexing truly a gift and one of the signs of a good lover.

Thirdly, you give up control to the other person. You have no idea how the other person is going to respond to your requests, your fantasies and in asking for what you want. This is one of the hardest things to do and to overcome the self talk which keeps us from asking for want we want. In my work, this is one of the biggest things that I try to empower my clients to do. Our mind creates stories of how our requests are going to be received and how we are going to be responded to after we make our innermost desires known. In fact, these stories we create around how outcomes will transpire rarely come to reality the way we think they will.

Fourthly, you do things you would never do. All of these dimensions of your personality which you may have kept hidden begin to appear. For instance, everyone has a different set of things that arouse them and you are not completely sure you want them on the front page of the New York Times. You are vulnerable because you are behaving in a way you would never behave in civilized society. Let’s look at 50 shades of grey, the big three trilogy that’s making its way through America which talks about domination and submission (D/S) which is a dimension of sexuality. All sexuality is legitimate. What I think needs a little attention is that if someone fetishizes (fetish + fantasizing) in domination and submission and they only can get aroused through D/S they should probably look at that.

Fifth…there is structural/societal vulnerability. In sexing you are acting in ways that you don’t usually act which are at odds with how you want to protect yourself in this world. Let’s look at the aspect of power in sexuality. In all healthy sexuality there is some dimension of playing with the power differential and role playing. Everyone knows a little slap here and there kind of makes sexuality more exciting…which is true. This is not true in the ego life. What a man and a woman would do in their sexuality would never in a million years do in their rest of their day to day life. “Say you are my whore!” REALLY? We are vulnerable because in sexuality some part of our non-cultured selves appear and play out most of our primal needs and desires, in which plays fear. Nobody wants to appear on national TV playing out a fantasy of being a maid. It’s not a good thing. In sexuality, everyone has a dimension which is unique and private to them, which is so beautiful. This creates enormous vulnerability.

An amazing dance of opening and closing, ego protecting us and also being aware of ego’s grip which allows us to act like there nothing to lose…because there isn’t. If you don’t allow yourself to be completely vulnerable, transparent in your feelings, asking for what you want…how do you think you are you showing up in relationships that matter the most to us? Why are you waiting to be vulnerable?