9 Sep 2024

The $1,000,000 Question

by | posted in: Adventure, Spirituality, The Human Condition | 0

Why did you move to Thailand? That is the $1,000,000 question. I get asked more times than I can remember. There are a bunch of reasons I will talk about here. Everyone has their own opinions about why they leave their own country and why they prefer another. I can only speak from my experience. 

The Food

I have worked around food and food service my entire life, since I had my first job at 16 years old. Ever since I began traveling outside ‘merikkkah my palate and taste buds continued to get educated and expanded. The cheeses, wine and charcuterie in Europe are their specialities. The savory pastries, ceviche, stews, beans and potatoes from South America. But, South East Asia? I’ve never seen such a selection of raw products anywhere in my life. There is such a quantity of dishes made from these raw products as well. 

The Thailand government has minimal involvement in terms of rules and regulations for people who want to start a food business or sell grandma’s sweets. Think of it as a lemonade stand on every street corner. There is so much regulation in ‘merikkkah which keeps many people from selling food to the public. 

However, with not much regulation here in Thailand, the expression of “let the buyer beware” is highly active. There are no regulations for refrigeration times/temperatures, three bay sinks, health inspections. I think it’s much safer to frequent busy establishments because I can be more assured of the turnover and freshness of the food. If raw items can be peeled and items can be served hot, it also adds to the safety.

There is so much fear in the world. Because it’s part of the human condition. The same people who sell the panic, sell the cure. I think that is the nature of the insurance industry and politics in general. It’s also really easy to succumb to the fear around food-borne illness when much is unfamiliar and very different. (I digress 😉

Family Values

My father landed in a nursing home after a surgical complication and never left. I contemplated quitting my job and moving into his home to take care of him. He wanted to die in his home. I wanted to make that happen for him. I was torn. He told me not to quit my job and he would be ok. I wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was. I still don’t know if I made the right decision. 

Elderly parents are hardly ever alone in Asia. There are children who willingly take on the responsibility to care for their aging parents. Many people look at me being alone without children and a partner as a liability in my life. Who will care for you when you get sick? Many landlords are the first ones to realize some foreigners’ death before any friends or family. 

Many of my favorite experiences during my travels were being invited to participate in family events. The Sunday gathering around the BBQ. The grandmother’s and mothers joyful cooking for the family. Working on the farms producing healthy fruits and vegetables. Generously trading and giving from the abundance of nature. 

Just writing these few paragraphs brings up emotion and tears. The joy of being able to experience these kinds of values. With hopes I will be able to cultivate them for myself as my Uncle Jonny did. The joy is accompanied by the sadness and grief from the loss of my father and the dissolution of my own family. 

Real Freedom

“The land of the free and the home of the brave” is a line from the United States national anthem, “The Star-Spangled Banner.” It represents the values of freedom and courage that are often associated with the United States. The phrase highlights the idea that the U.S. is a place where people are free to pursue their dreams and where individuals exhibit bravery and courage in various aspects of life. 

But is that really true? The concept of the “american dream”? Or just another piece of propaganda so people get completely bought into capitalism?

Thailand makes it easy for me to make the choice to live here. From immigration visas, buying a motor vehicle, to an abundance of inexpensive housing and food. There aren’t patrol cars policing the streets looking for, or creating, problems for people. 

I have used the words, a “self-policing lawlessness” to describe what it is like. It’s quite lovely for me. This past year brought a double homicide 200 meters from my home in Maine. The biggest mass shooting in 2023 just a few miles from my home. That way of living is the American dream and freedom? 

I can choose to have a bowl of noodles for $1 or go to a Michelin starred restaurant. I can choose to rent a studio apartment with no air conditioning for $60 a month or I can rent a pool villa for $3000 a month. A good life is attainable for persons of all economic status. 

Buddha Dharma

Before I get started on this one, I want to point out there is corruption in all religions. The fact that Thailand adopted buddhism as their national religion, does not mean there isn’t a dark side to this faith and religion. However, there are many great teachings from Buddha that I can embrace. Just as there are from Jesus, Moses, Mohammed, As long as I can separate myself from some of the dogmatic interpretations. What is true and what isn’t true?

Some of the foundations of Buddhism being the four noble truths, the eightfold path, karma, and anatman. With primary actions as part of the buddhist faith being Buddha, dharma and sangha. How this gets interpreted by the monks, the temples and the government is another story completely that I am not going to touch here. 

It’s the acknowledgement that life is suffering and how we go about our liberation from suffering. I like to combine these teachings with modern psychological philosophy. 

…as I make my way into another 10-day silent vipassana course. 

What Are You Going To Do?

That’s the next million dollar question. What are you going to do when you get there? The answer is pretty simple at the moment. The practice is another story. 

All of my life I have had dreams, goals and a drive to attain them. Much of which I have. From working with celebrity chefs during the start of the farm to table movement in California. To being of service through teaching at the college. 

I have sold the majority of my personal belongings, retired from my 25 year career as a teacher, left the country I called home all my life, my father just passed away… it’s the biggest free fall I’ve ever experienced. 

I have a choice. To look at this through the lens of fear. Or to see this as a gift. The choice is pretty obvious. Even if the fear reveals its ugly head in my face every now and then. 

The gift is to allow life to unfold in front of me. Without clinging or grasping to some idea of how I think my life needs to be or look like. Of course I have some ideas of what I want.  And I will have some direction of where to apply my forward moving energy. 

This time, the first time, the point is to see where life is going to take me. Without so much striving and determination for a particular outcome as I did in the past. 

Patience is a virtue. Fullness of presence. Life is a practice.

Easier said than done. 

28 Jul 2024

The Heart’s Vocational Passion

by | posted in: Personal Growth, Psychology, Relationship, Retirement, Spiritual, The Human Condition | 0

hearts passionI have experienced 25 years immersed in bureaucratic, union based, government funded, non- profit, community college, workplace institution. Bringing out my deepest vocational purpose calling from within me, along with much intellectual knowledge and trade skills to the table.

Mustering all the hope for depths of commitment between myself and the organization. Along with my personal integrity and courage. Growing a larger capacity for connectedness for everyone involved in the process. My tender, vulnerable and growing heart became filled with joy and pride when I saw one of my students find their way on their own personal life’s journey. The same heart was broken and shattered into pieces many times when I revealed my true self, speaking from a place of personal and professional integrity.

During these years of bringing my passion for teaching, I’ve had to integrate the many parts of my own fragmented and broken kind of life. Call it the combining of all my personal souls work, identity and selfhood… with my professional, intellectual, spiritual lives. All from within my own deep personal quandaries and healing processes. People who know me have seen me through some dark times in my life. A kind of darkness that someone experiences when they don’t know why life is worth living. At some point I was turned on to Parker Palmer who described “The Hidden Wholeness” in all this division and darkness. An integration needed to take place for me. To find a place of grounding and wholeness. Eventually, becoming less divided, merging together many of my life’s experiences to be of service to others lives as well.

It’s been a great honor to have been given the faith and trust by American society to be placed in front of a group of students. At the same time experiencing the same public society, politicians, parents, and the media beat up the teachers for all their faults. When I finally travelled to other parts of the world, I was able to experience the elevated social status that teachers do not experience here in the USA. People who dedicated themselves to teaching have the bravery to commit courageous acts every day they venture into the classroom to care for the children, young adult students and are more often criticized than acclaimed.

Effective Teaching Is…

When I first began teaching, I wanted to learn all the tips, tricks, techniques, and technological wizardry. Thinking, by learning all of that, it would make me a good teacher. Which was only partially true. Teaching cannot be reduced to techniques, test results or course evaluations. It’s the teacher who has their whole being invested in the entire teaching process that makes an effective teacher. Someone who is bridging the gap between the student-teacher hierarchy. Building the bridge to connect the student to the subject. So, the students can face into their own personal fear and the fears in the subject matter. It’s the teacher with the fearless and hospitable heart, fully invested, who builds that relational heart to heart bridge. It is this quest for individual authenticity and engaging in genuine inquiry that makes the learning and growth process work. Not in a classroom in which students keep their heads down, take notes, and feed it back on a test.

My idea of what I thought effective teaching was supposed to look like had changed. I knew I had to bring more of my own true identity and integrity as a human into the classroom. For many years I was able to isolate myself in my scholarly solitude of the kitchen classroom. Deceptively thinking I put the past behind me. The idea of my separate and scholarly solitude in the inner classroom was asking to become integrated with my outer personal practices I was doing in my own life.

As I learned more about my own true self, I began to connect more deeply with the true selves of my students. I wanted to become more skilled at arousing my students’ authentic selves, cultivating their unique gifts, to draw out their own fullness, their unique self, and their own agency. My teaching needed to include both disciplinary knowledge and methods, while always trying to make the connection between who the exceptional human is in front of me, and the knowledge the student needs to take the next steps on their vocational journey. I recognized that my teaching was becoming more fundamentally aware of the pursuit of our humanness, and that became more interesting to me. My students needed to be able to perform a role with knowledge and skill AND be able to enter a deeply human exchange with others having a passion in the same professional practice.

Darkness Reveals the Light

My marriage ended and I entered a period of darkness. I was able to focus on my own personal healing and growth. My experience of darkness was an essential part of coming into my true self and emerging into the light. I realized that we all dissent into dark times of our lives. We as elders do the younger generations a disservice when we withhold the shadowy parts of our lives. My experience was that there were very few elders willing to talk about their darkness; most of them pretended that success was all they had ever known. In my darkness I thought I had developed my own unique and terminal case of failure. I did not realize that I had merely embarked on a journey toward joining the human race even more fully.

After a while, I became aware that I was living more of a divided life than I wanted to. I was not bringing the learnings and teachings from my personal life and my truest self into my teaching and vocation. As I continued to grow personally, I became comfortable taking more risks in my personal life. I realized I was living my life by the expectations from the outside world and not from my inside out. I was embracing a “noble” way to live my life that was not my own. A life spent doing what others and society determined my success instead of listening to my heart. I was violating my true self and it cost me greatly by holding me back and not honoring the truth of who I am. I learned how to listen to the voice of my life and loosen my grip to being the person others and my job wanted me to be. Before I can determine what I wanted to do with my life, I must listen for the truths and values at the heart of my own identity, not the outside standards by which I must live.

Out From the Solitude

As I made my way out from the solitude of the inner classroom, I had to gain the courage to stand up and speak against the powers that be. To join into the political processes around the educational system and confront the various quick fix initiatives to reclaim the humanness of teaching. Politicians and college administrators were gauging a successful institution by high testing grades, and high retention / graduation rates, finding extra money, creating up to date curriculum, and implementing state of the art technologies and techniques.

I was subconsciously ignoring the failing transparency, power struggles and lack of communication between the administration and the teachers. There was a lack of trust between teacher-to-teacher and teacher-to-administrator. How is it possible to have good program learning outcomes for students when there was a low level of trust between constituents? It was heartbreaking to see all the outside forces trying to determine models of determining success… what made a successful teacher, what factors made a successful student and what constituted a good academic institution.

True Self & Identity

I was becoming more attuned to my true self and my own identity. The intrinsic gifts within my own true nature came more naturally to the surface. I was becoming more of myself. Which meant that I was able to give my gifts more fully because they were integral to my own true reality. I began to give more of myself that was growing from within me without my soul being depleted. I was more whole in my being.

A new beginning started. My teaching shifted. I was no longer teaching to the test, or blamed myself when a student failed out or decided this was not the vocation for them. I brought more of my own humanity into the classroom. Unafraid to confront my students when they did not do their homework, when they came dressed in a dirty uniform and had no idea of the lesson plans for the day. In fact, after a student was spoken to several times and demonstrated they were not performing as expected which would leave them fired from a job, I asked them to take the day off and do some self-reflection. I was veering from the hierarchical teacher/student relationship and operating more from a human level with my students. Unfortunately, not everyone saw that as the case. I found myself at odds with the institution and was punished for it.

A Violation of Ethics?

There were many times I felt like was violating the educational institution’s ethical standards. I was participating in my students’ personal growth and learning without much of an interest whether they got good grades or returned for the next semester or even graduated. My perspective changed. To say that all students who have earned degrees have developed the skills they need to be ready for a job in the workforce isn’t usually the case. Obtaining a degree from an academic institution shows that someone was able to finish something that they started. A valuable life skill. Requiring students to develop a resilient mindset, retain focus, and not give in to distractions.

Challenging the institution with this perspective certainly seemed like a breach of my contract and a way I could get myself dismissed. Perpetuating my scholarly solitude and isolation in the classroom. I could not locate anyone to share my perspective and my broken heart. My heartbreak continued in isolation. While I thrived in the kitchen classroom offering the gifts of my heart to the students and my ongoing and emerging process. I wished I had a group of other people where we could share some of these common values, beliefs, and goals, leading to a sense of congruence and bond within the academic community. I still dream of such a group where there is alignment between personal values and the values upheld by the community.

Culture of Fear

culture of fearWe are living in a culture of fear that is not only inside institutions and organizations, but within society itself. The culture of fear does not support someone really following their personal integrity, morals, and values within an organization. It promotes silence and non-confrontational behavior, because if you did speak up, you will most likely be ridiculed, shamed for doing so, and left embarrassed with your tail between your legs. I was pushed aside, reassigned, silenced, and treated like the enemy.

Institutions are only interested in self-preservation and self-protecting their political and administrative initiatives such as ”no child left behind”, and “guided pathways” before they are interested in being of service to the people. Fear continues to be the mechanism to keep the free thinkers and challengers at bay. Keeping people disempowered, so they remain too fearful of their own fates and to discourage a challenge to the perceived authority.

The Futile Fight Against Reality

As much as I try, accepting things in life as they are can be difficult. I know I am not alone in this struggle. Being peaceful and allo

wing life to be as it is, is one of the most common struggles of human existence. As cliche as it may sound to me. I’ve been able to flow within the institution and the process for a quarter century. Not completely perfect all the time. I’ve definitely made mistakes. It’s gotten to a place where I cannot fight against the status quo and how things work in academia anymore. Being told, “don’t be dismayed that we are not aware of the problems, we are just choosing to deal with them in this way”. The way being, not to address the problems head on, but to move me out because I was not happy. Without realizing that my unhappiness was the administration’s failure to address the problems head on. Turning me into the scapegoat and the enemy.

As you can imagine, there are many contracts and rules in this state funded, government run, union based, community college. There is a political institutional dance that needs to happen between people which will determine your success or not. I have not been all that successful in the political aspect of my job. I wear my heart on my sleeve, am a sensitive man, and speak my truth when I see wrongdoings. I have sent angry emails I should not have and told people what I think about how well (or not) they are doing their job. I continue to be jaw droppingly amazed at the absurd processes big bureaucracy needs to perform and some of the decisions that are made in complete disregard to the humanness of the people.

Not So Subtle Ending

I have lived my own epic story during this course of a quarter century as a college professor. Being of service to my heart’s purpose, to my student’s growth, and to the institution in which I work within. I have grown considerably and made many personal and professional achievements. I have stumbled and fallen because I made mistakes, got back up to face another day, to humbly ask for forgiveness and try again. I can hold both sides of the equation and the argument. Being grateful to have had this opportunity to grow, have an influence on students’ lives, with the stories I can tell. At the same time, being exhausted from the bureaucratic, political, and institutional dance that I no longer have the energy for.

May I be released from this job of a quarter century with dignity, grace, and respect.

24 Jul 2024

Spring/Summer 2024 – Chiang Mai, Thailand

by | posted in: Adventure, Personal Growth, The Human Condition, Travel | 0

PWM – BOS – DOH – BKK – CNX

I popped for the exit aisle seats for the 19 hours of airtime for the perceived idea of more comfort. Decided to splurge(?) on the third piece of luggage to fit in a little more of a lifetime’s worth of accumulations. 

What was I forgetting? Do I have all the paperwork I need? Are you sure you want to bring ALL your essential oils? But what about the ____ and the____ ….  After years of planning and months of packing, it was now all up to god or faith or whatever life’s mystery is to you. I’ve done enough. I have enough. Our world has enough. I am enough. 

It’s the tropics, it’s hot and the body is lovingly adjusting. The yoga practice is nice… Thank you Shannon. The items on the to-do lists have changed but it’s the same to-do list. Language barrier is the same. The rules are different but the bureaucracy is the same. 

It’s The Land of Smiles. Thailand!

Jet-Lag is Real

There were two back to back red eye flights. Attempted so called “snoozing” in the quiet room at a DOH layover. An expensive noodle bowl in BKK. 42 hours later. I arrived. 

The travel experiences were uneventful. I think we all can appreciate when things go smoothly when having to surrender to the air travel process. Smooth sailing. All the luggage arrived with everything in one piece. Yay!!

Could it be this easy? Is it supposed to be this easy? Sure, yes, my body is showing the wear and tear from being in a pressurized flying tin can for 19 hours. Along with a lack of sleep for a couple of days. And after all these years of traveling, this trip is flowing pretty well. Better than I could have expected.

Landing

30 years of stuff in 3 suitcases
Lifetime of stuff pared down to 3 suitcases

The paring down of a lifetime of accumulated material things is a process in itself. Renting a storage unit or storing things at a friend’s home was not on my radar. What personal belongings I chose to pack into 3 suitcases while in Maine was one moment. Once I arrived in Thailand, my eyes saw all this stuff in a different way. It wasn’t the same stuff when I packed all this shit up. 

I was fortunate to be able to land at a friend’s home for a week. A home full of life from 5 children growing up inside. A sense of grounding and structure. Much was accomplished. Meetings with visa agents, immigration, TM30, residency certificate, banks… And some random stops at a coffee shop or traditional market. I am grateful to have been hosted with such grace and generosity. 

The location was in a town called Hang Dong. About 25-60 minutes into town. Depending on traffic. Getting used to driving a motorbike on the opposite side of the road again. The location is a little bit further out than I would like. Although, the location was beautiful and quiet. On the foothills of Ob Khan National Park.

 

Fish in the refrigerator lasts only a few days. An expression used to describe the expiration date of having guests in your house. The irony is, the refrigerator broke. Not broken enough to melt the butter but, wouldn’t keep your beer cold either. Neither hot nor cold. Assisted in the replacement of said refrigerator before the summer parties.

I rented a townhouse for a couple of months. In Chiang Mai, in a busy area called Santitam. Closer to government offices, visa agents, and westernized consumerism. From here, to find accommodation for a longer term. Not too far from the old city of Chiang Mai, and not too close either. With just the right amenities. An outdoor Thai style kitchen, 2 bedrooms, an outdoor place to relax, with some peace and quiet. 

Connection

One of my biggest yearnings is for connection. In the multitude of forms connection comes in. From connection with the nurturing mother, from birth mother to earth mother. Connections with groups having a common goal. Connection between people disclosing their greatest triumphs and their biggest fears… a deep intimacy of feeling seen and heard by someone. How friends stay connected across time and miles. The connection when two human bodies merge together. Being of service to humanity connecting with selfless giving. Connection to spirit, god, universe, the great mystery.

It’s one of life’s greatest pleasures. To know you are making a difference in the world, to a cause, to someone’s life. The feeling of being connected to something greater than the self. The giving and receiving of care and love. These connections have represented some of the most satisfying times in my life. 

The merging and connecting of the inner/outer worlds. Yes, still an ongoing conversation of becoming undivided and more whole and integrated as a whole person. With cultural differences, language barriers and different life histories. 

How will new connections be created and cultivated here in Thailand? It’s a completely new way of life. 

A More Satisfying Phase of Life – Undivided (again)

In “The Second Mountain”, David Brooks writes, “The people who have been made larger by suffering are brave enough to let parts of their old self die. Down in the valley, their motivations changed. They’ve gone from self-centered to other centered. At this point, people realize, Oh, that first mountain wasn’t my mountain after all. There’s another, bigger mountain out there that is actually my mountain. The second mountain is not the opposite of the first mountain. To climb it doesn’t mean rejecting the first mountain. It’s the journey after it. It’s the more generous and satisfying phase of life.”

I noticed the many different parts of myself at work as my life became much simpler with less responsibilities. Cook/Chef, Professor, Saponify-er, Mycologist, Cyclist, Son/Brother, Traveler, Overthinker, Friend, Sensualist, among many others. But, who am I now? Today? As opposed to yesterday?

Part of life’s satisfying journey is the ongoing integration of the parts of self. Ending separations. Becoming more whole, rather than split into many hidden parts. Integrating the ignored parts of our life’s experiences. Being true to ourselves. Opens up more of the channels of life to experience. More aware of practicing what you preach. Small self to true self to unique self. Service to humanity. Generosity of heart. 

 

ONWARD! 

21 Jul 2024

Divided No More

by | posted in: Adventure, Personal Growth, Retirement, Work/Career | 0

Frozen DurianIt’s been about 6 weeks since I arrived in Thailand. Landing in Chiang Mai continues to feel like home. Close to the mountains and the jungle. In the middle of Thailand’s agricultural land. I’ve never seen such a huge variety of raw cooking materials in my life. From Europe to South America, Southeast Asia is an absolute culinary delight. I am getting great pleasure from cooking the foods that call to me on a daily basis. So much fun!!

Termination or Retirement?

I remember watching my mother as a child work 60+ hours a week. Only to come home, one long day after another, upset, that she had to discipline her boys who did not perform their chores and cook dinner for the family. There was no way I was going to live this life. While money is necessary for survival, I did not put the importance on it as many did. I had my eye on retirement at 55 years old. And, whallah, here I am, doing just that.

After 25 years of employment, this week I have sent my letter of resignation, termination, retirement to the college. It is not without mixed feelings. I have devoted a quarter century of my life to teaching students culinary arts and hospitality management. Supporting teachers in online learning, and other special projects for the college.

Why isn’t my 25 year completion called retirement? Mainly because I am not 59.5 years of age, the official retirement age. I could not hang out for any more time in academia. I have witnessed how other countries revere, honor and respect their teachers. Unlike in America.

I’m too young to retire… so resignation is how it must be. What might be next for me? Only time will tell.

Divided No More

Wheel Of LifeFor the last 15 years there have been parts of me I needed to keep separate from my teaching career. My personal vs professional growth. While at times both could be considered the same. They definitely needed to be separated.

I got divorced in 2009 (ish) and made the commitment to myself to have the most healthy and fulfilling relationships I could possibly have. This meant I was not going to leave any stone unturned. To look underneath the hood, in all the dark places. The past generational traumas, lies and betrayals, I was determined were going to stop with me.

This meant that I needed to do some things differently. The serial monogamy needed to stop. I wanted to explore other forms of relationship styles. Polyamory, open relationships, swinging, relational anarchy… anything that allowed me to fully express myself in the most genuine and authentic way… through my heart, my mind and my body.

Along the way, I learned about sexual healing through modalities like sacred intimacy, sexological bodywork, somatic sexology and other alternative relational and sexuality expressions. I found much of my own openings and healing through people supporting me via these practices. So much so, that I began my own journey as a practitioner to help others and eventually teaching in California and Canada.

Paying A Price

Spirit TempleBut there was a problem. If the board of trustees found out about this side of me, I believed that the price I would pay was I would lose my job. So I invented an online alias (Isiah @ www.wakingeros.com) and created this deliberate division in my life. Eroto-phobia is a real thing in our hierarchical society. I am one who felt that fear.

Along the way, I was able to reinvent myself as a teacher. Taking some of my practices and integrating them into the kitchen classroom. When I was teaching students proper knife handling skills, it required them to drop some old habits to acquire new ones. This was not the appropriate environment to tell them to masturbate with their unfamiliar hand, so I had to tell them to switch hands with their toothbrush.

Parker Palmer wrote “A Hidden Wholeness – The Journey Towards an Undivided Life”, where he talks about finding a way to build a bridge between our identity and integrity as adults and the work that we do in the world. He writes, “I pay a steep price when I live a divided life-feeling fraudulent, anxious about being found out, and depressed by the fact that I am denying my own selfhood. The people around me pay a price as well, for now they walk on ground made unstable by my dividedness. How can I affirm another’s identity when I deny my own? How can I trust another’s integrity when I defy my own? A fault line runs down the middle of my life, and whenever it cracks open-divorcing my words and actions from the truth I hold within – things around me get shaky and start to fall apart.”

Now, I have nothing to be concerned about. I have no job I need to worry about being fired from. I am only subject to others’ judgments and criticisms for the choices I make on how I live my life. Much easier for me to contend with.

But… Who Am I Now?

Who am I now? Am no longer my father’s son as he has passed away. I cannot be identified as my job, because I am no longer a college professor. No longer can I call myself a landlord as I sold all my rental property. I can no longer be identified by my car or my personal belongings.

Am I only identified as a social security number and a bank account in this capitalist world in which we live? Can I be identified by the service work I have performed over the last two decades as a teacher and through my hospice volunteer work?

After 55 years I have sold or given away 90% of my belongings. Stuffing what was left and what I wanted into a couple of suitcases. Why did I choose to keep my entire essential oil collection and not any of my cd/dvd’s?

Every Morning

I have awakened every morning here in Thailand happy to be here. Not having to worry about the random shootings that happened 200m from my home in Maine. Or the largest mass shooting in 2023 that happened close-by my home.

I use the words “self-policing lawlessness” to describe the social environment here. I do not see police patrol cars cruising around the neighborhoods. When outdoor shops close the owner’s tie a tarp around the place and it does not get vandalized. When a person cuts into the queue, the people tell them to wait their turn.

No doubt, I miss the support systems that were created over the last 30 years in Maine. I miss my close friends mostly. Loneliness creeps in at times. I do not miss my “stuff”. I miss my teaching but I do not miss the politics of my job.

I am confident in time I will get more and more comfortable. Especially when I move into a quieter home and as I learn how to speak Thai.

For one of the first times of my life, if not for the first time, I feel divided no more!

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