Blog Full - Maurice Leavitt | Personal Essays, Travel Writing & Reflections

9 Mar 2025

Divided No More – Part 2

by Maurice | posted in: Compassion, Eros, Family, Masculine and Feminine | 0

I have written a couple of pieces about how I was living a split and divided life. This division within me started as a child inside a framework of generational expectations which I was unable to fulfill. Moved to societal expectations that liked to dictate gender roles. Into sexual norms that I was unable to fit into. Finally, into my career in academia where I grew out of what would be considered teaching norms.

My first exposure to this concept of “divided no more” was from Parker Palmer who wrote, “An Undivided Life: Seeking Wholeness in Ourselves, Our Work & Our World”. This is a great video where Parker talks about how as human beings we are born whole, integral, with no distinction between what’s going on inside of us and what’s going on outside

I was able to maintain these split identities. With varying degrees of success. Not really being a people pleaser in my life but, as a way of keeping the peace. For myself and for others.

25 Years In Academia

There was a point in my teaching career where I began to see the division between student/teacher more of a hindrance. The power struggle and hierarchy that separated the student teacher relationship because of the grading / performance evaluations that teachers needed to do to determine competency. I had very few experiences as a student where my teacher was genuinely interested in sharing of themselves in support of their students growth. Instead, the teacher stood in front of the class, keeper of the knowledge. Ready to impart the information when the time was appropriate.

With student centered learning and competency-based education taking forefront, I knew it was my time to make the changes I wanted to. A-F grading scale became less important for me as a performance indicator. It wasn’t the best show of cooking technique that should get the highest grade. It was the preparation, focus and recovery from mistakes that dictate our performance and which deserved my grade of “A”.

Anyone can learn to do anything they want on youtube. With the right determination and discipline, anything is possible. Teachers no longer hold the power and the information for students to learn. I began to give the power to learn cooking back to the students. Telling them the only thing that separates me from them is years of experience. I became a guide and mentor more than someone who felt responsible for my students perceived success.

The academic system continues to hold teachers responsible for the success of their students. Which I did not agree with at all. Everyone learns at their own pace and some need more practice than others. I invited all my students to show up early and stay after class so they can get the practice they wanted. I encouraged my students to know for themselves how well they were doing in the class. That cooking and learning any trade took lots of practice. They needed to do their own self-evaluation as I guided them to know when they were being too hard on themselves or thinking they are performing better than they actually are.

There were students who continued to think I was responsible for how well they performed sautéing a piece of chicken. When students didn’t perform well they blamed me, the recipe, the equipment, everything but looking at themselves. This was the big shift in my teaching. To remove much of the grsupport my students as a guide and mentor. Handing over the responsibility for their own discipline towards mastery back to them.

The Family

Jewish boys are supposed to become doctors or lawyers. Was the thing that was told to me as a child. That was something I heard many times from my grandmother. But I loved cooking and wanted to be a chef. Jewish boys do not work in the kitchen and become a chef. I was told I would never amount to anything for myself if this was the career path I would choose. The reality was that I was supported to study the subjects I wanted in higher education. Because it was the education that was important and not necessarily the career path that was chosen.

I realized this particular family dynamic around money and career was highly active in my family. I am not aware of much of the dynamic on my father’s side of the family because there wasn’t much interaction with them. However, when my father got wind that I was being guilted into other forms of thinking or behaving, it was some of the only times in my life I saw him get angry.

My father encouraged me to follow my dream regardless of the obstacles that were placed in front of me. He was one of those quintessential starving artist types. Sometimes struggling to make a living and quitting jobs on a whim when they just weren’t a good fit for him.

Gender Roles

I was born a male. I identify as a male. I mostly enjoy being a male too. But I do get tired of the stereotypes of what a “good man” is supposed to be. As men, we are supposed to have ambition, a drive for success, a good work ethic and develop mastery in our fields of choice. Be self-reliant. Have physical strength and mental toughness. Exhibit emotional control. And be a good provider to the family.

Traditional masculinity taught me to be stoic and emotionally detached. A more modern perspective encourages men to be more in touch with their emotions. Openly expressive to foster deeper connections. There is also a growing expectation for men to be emotionally present and responsive to their partners, not just sexually engaged. This new way of being for men also asks women to develop different relational skills to be in relationship with men.

It was tiring of being stereotyped into playing the gender role I was born into. Being a man today isn’t about dominance and resilience. It’s about a balanced expression of power, care, wisdom and depth. A man isn’t just about fighting battles but knowing when to stand firm and knowing when to embrace vulnerability. It’s not about power “over”, but power “with”.

The gender roles continue to be shifting. Within professional business realms, intimate relationships and in sexuality. Women have become more autonomous which has shifted relational expectations. The rise of unrestricted gender roles in relationships means expectations are more collaborative rather than transactional. Although there are still cultures in the world where traditional gender roles are still the cultural norm.

Masculine Sexuality

Culture, society and religion have shaped the norms for masculine sexuality. The role of male sexuality in heterosexual relationships has shifted significantly due to the changes from social, cultural and psychological influences. It wasn’t long after I hit puberty that I realized I did not fit into what the culture was emphasizing about male sexuality.

As a young man I found a lot of my self-worth and identity in my sexual prowess and virility. In modern consumerist society where advertising and marketing are in our faces, men are prone to unrealistic body image and self-perception standards set by the media and online pornography. This encourages me to be more open to discussions around performance anxiety, erectile dysfunction, and body image. This is no different than what is happening for the female gender around similar issues.

The #MeToo movement is reshaping how men navigate sexual interactions based on whole-hearted consent. There is a stronger focus on ongoing, consensual sex and mutual pleasure. I continue to learn to practice communicating my needs and listening to my partners’ needs in ways that were never talked about in the family or taught in schools.

The use of technology and the internet has drastically changed dating and sexual dynamics. It has made casual sex and hookups more accessible and shifting commitment philosophies. Monogamous relationships are no longer the only relationship style to choose from. Internet pornography never says “no” and can lead to unrealistic standards and values. Let’s be real… how many women like to have a man ejaculate on their face?

“Erotophobia” & Our Hidden Sexuality

My sexuality has been one of the biggest parts I compartmentalized due to my own fears and the many public facing roles I had for a quarter century. I have a long history of being a public figure as a culinary arts teacher and administrator at a government run college. I needed to project a certain image of my own sexuality in the public eye. While at the same time I was living a very different reality in my private life.

As I was navigating the changes to my own relationship to my sexuality. I felt I needed to present a “respectable” sexual identity – heterosexual, monogamous, and family-oriented. I was afraid if I strayed from this image, I would lose my government teaching job. Even if I was doing nothing unethical. I truly believed I needed to exhibit a certain public morality and struggled with the fear of my private desires and activities being exposed. For many years I lived a divided and split identity.

This did not stop me from exploring my own sexuality and having my own adventures. In the back of my mind, I was always concerned about running into a student or colleague during my pursuits. If I was exposed, would someone publicly condemn me for certain behaviors of mine while I was engaging in them privately?

For about 15 years I was able to keep a split identity. Maurice, with a public profile as a culinary arts teacher (still up on the website as I publish this). At the same time keeping a separate identity as Isaiah, (will be a broken link soon) a sex worker and educator. Now that I am retired from my job, I no longer have to worry about it. This is the last of my “divided no more” lifestyle. As I write this I am no longer doing this edgy work and it no longer holds a charge inside myself. Maybe because I am just another middle aged guy going through his own mid-life process?

Diversity is Unity – Unity is Diversity

How / why did humans make up the division and distinction between nature and humanity, between god and “man”? Many philosophical and religious traditions have supported certain dualistic views. Asserting that reality is fundamentally divided into two distinct and irreducible categories, such as God vs. Creation, Mind vs. Body, Good vs. Evil, among others. At the same time there many other philosophical teachings that support a non-dual way of existence. Revolving around the idea the supposed separation between self and reality, subject and object, is an illusion created by the mind, and therefore, there exists only one undivided reality. Whether non-duality or dualism is “true” depends on how each of us define truth and how we want to experience reality. That is the big unanswerable question.

Non-duality excludes nothing; it contains both unity and diversity, one and many, identity and separation, god and man. Dualism makes the separation between individualism and collectivism, the body and mind, and man from nature. Dualism seems to exhibit to be true in our everyday experience as we see ourselves as separate from others and good and evil seem distinctly different. Many believe duality is just an illusion of the mind, and when you inquire deeply, you realize there is only one reality and we are all deeply connected.

Japanese Buddhism expresses the concept of diversity / unity in the formula Byōdō (平等) Soku (即) Shabetsu (差別), and its reverse opposite of, Shabetsu Soku Byōdō—unity in (is) diversity and diversity in (is) unity. This reflects the idea that oneness does not deny multiplicity, and multiplicity does not deny oneness. This aligns with concepts like: Form is emptiness, emptiness is form, (from the Heart Sutra), and the idea of dependent origination, where all things arise in relation to each other.

This concept beautifully expresses the paradoxical (divisional) relationship between unity and diversity. Byōdō (平等) means “equality”—the idea that all beings are fundamentally the same, often in the sense of Buddhist teachings on emptiness and universal Buddha-nature. Shabetsu (差別) means “distinction”—the recognition that individuals have unique characteristics, roles, and differences. Soku (即) means “is” or “precisely”—indicating that equality and distinction are not separate but interdependent.

This phrase represents and suggests that true unity does not erase or create a division between our individual differences. Rather, real harmony comes from acknowledging both our sameness and our uniqueness simultaneously. It resonates with collectivism in that individuals exist within the whole, yet it also respects individuality. For this reason, philosophically, morally, and spiritually, Buddhism is called the Middle Way. It’s not about the division between dual or non-dual. It’s become the union between them both.

Find and embrace the unity in our diversity… and honor and respect the diversity in our equality.

Life is one, said the Buddha, and the Middle Way to the end of suffering in all its forms is that which leads to the end of the illusion of separation, which enables man to see, as a fact, as clear as sunlight, that all mankind, and all other forms in manifestation are one unit, the infinitely variable appearances of an indivisible Whole.
– Christmas Humphreys

21 Feb 2025

Vulnerability as Surrender

by Maurice | posted in: Compassion, Heart Opening, Personal Growth, Relationship, Spirituality, The Human Condition | 0

I have been on a search for universal truths that all humans experience and can relate to. I have also been curious about how the emotion of vulnerability relates to dual/nondual concepts. Especially in how vulnerability relates to self and other, control and surrender, separation and unity.

But after my visit to Machu Pichu and learning about the Inca tradition, I was relieved to be learning about how duality naturally reflects the human condition and how humans experience the world. Our minds are wired to perceive distinctions—self and other, good and bad, past and future. This dualistic way of thinking helps us survive, make decisions, and navigate reality.

As curious as I was about the non-dual philosophy, I knew that wasn’t the only real answer. Neither was a pure dualistic way of thinking. The human condition isn’t rigid. It allows for adaptation, ambivalence, indecision, growth, and much nuance. We are never locked into a single way of being. Instead, we have the capacity to evolve, to redefine ourselves, and to navigate uncertainty. In as much as I do believe we are all the same, I also believe the paths to our evolution is vast.

There needs to be room made for each of us to have our own experiences. To be present with our own suffering. Discovering our unique selves. To experience and break away from the vulnerability cycles in our lives.

The Vulnerability Cycle

The “Vulnerability Cycle” is a concept coined by Mona Fishbane in neuropsychology and relationships. It explains how every person in a relationship has past emotional wounds or insecurities. The cycle begins when one partner feels hurt, insecure, or unsafe, they react in a way that triggers the other partner’s wounds. Both partners keep reacting from this old place instead of resolving the issue.

I was a witness to my parents’ unique vulnerability cycle as well as in my own marriage. It’s been a fascinating topic for me in my life because I wanted to stop the generational trauma cycles in my life. It also fits well in this conversation about vulnerability and dual/non-dual theories.

One of the most common cycles I see and experience is the openness / generosity that comes from love and the contraction / withdrawal that comes from protection. When someone feels their love is not being ignored, they become critical of the other (“you don’t love me like I love you”). The other person then feels attacked and withdraws to protect themselves. The persons insecurity deepens, and they get angrier and more critical which leads to more shutdown by the other.

I find this kind of relational suffering cycle is normal between two people in the beginning. Eventually, being able to step back, slow down and be a witness to ourselves becomes the work. Not to be controlled by our built-in reactions. True resilience isn’t about avoiding pain but being open to the experience, without being dominated by it. The Middle Way teaches that we flow with life instead of fighting or collapsing under it.

Vulnerability is not a weakness. Accepting the reality of our past and our trigger points without trying to force ourselves on the other or hide through our contraction. Vulnerability becomes the doorway to deeper compassion and understanding of each other. By accepting vulnerability, we see reality clearly without trying to force control or escape discomfort.

Duality: Vulnerability is Exposure

In the dualistic theory, we see ourselves as separate beings. Separate from each other and from nature. Distinctly unique from others and the world. We all have a unique self. Bringing different qualities in our personalities and our own special gifts to give to the world.

This perceived sense of separation makes vulnerability seem risky. Because if I open myself up I will be judged, abandoned and hurt. So we build defenses… mental constructs, emotional distancing and physical isolation. Building defenses to protect ourselves. Reinforcing the illusion of an independent self.

In this context, vulnerability is seen as weakness. Because our exposure opens us to potential harm from “the other”.

Non-duality: Vulnerability is Flow of Life

In the non-dual perspective, the idea of a separate self is the illusion. Instead of existing as isolated individuals, the concept is that we are all deeply interconnected. Suggesting that the boundaries we perceive between self and other, subject and object – are all our mental fabrications.

If there is no fundamental boundary between “me” and “you,” then vulnerability is not exposure, but openness to the flow of life. If these illusions of separateness can dissolve, what remains is a direct experience of unity, where we all experience the same underlying reality.

Instead of fearing loss or rejection, vulnerability becomes a way to experience unity and presence. as the struggles and fears associated with maintaining a separate identity begin to lose their grip. Instead of trying to “become” something, non-duality invites us to accept that we already are whole, complete, and part of the flow of life.

Non-duality helps us reframe vulnerability. Not as a personal risk, but as a natural state of being—a surrender to what is, rather than an attempt to control it.

The Middle Way: Building the Vulnerability Bridge

There is a middle way. There must be. There is no single way to exist in this world that works for everyone. There are only a few saints in the existence of the world like Mother Theresa and the Dalai Lama who lived their lives open as love 100% of the time. Just as there are only a few humans who have lived their lives in great fear and violence.

Vulnerability can feel unbearable in a dualistic mindset when we believe others will be thinking badly of us or abandoning the relationship. This can lead to avoiding conversations and situations. In attempt to control the outcome.

In a non-dual approach, it’s possible to dismiss vulnerability altogether. As we say to ourselves, “If there is no self, who is there to be vulnerable?” But, we cannot deny the appearance of the human condition where our feelings of vulnerability still arise. Dismissing vulnerability outright can sometimes be a form of “spiritual bypassing,” using philosophy to avoid engaging with real emotions.

A more integrated approach embraces both perspectives. From the absolute view, there is no separate self. From the relative and human perspective, vulnerability is part of the dance of life. In this way, vulnerability is both a challenge of duality and a path to non-duality. To help us transcend our ideas of separation without denying our human experience.

Strength in Vulnerability

Vulnerability isn’t a weakness or isolative or a disappearing act. It’s the courage to be fully present with what is. It’s about showing up fully, without defenses, and being present with whatever arises. It’s not a sign of weakness but a deep act of courage. Allowing ourselves to be seen, to feel, to be present, and to engage with life openly.

Whether we choose to see vulnerability through a dual or non-dual lens, vulnerability is about meeting life as it unfolds before our eyes, without armor or resistance.

Vulnerability is both… the pain of separation and the doorway to unity.

12 Feb 2025

The First 6 Months In Thailand

by Maurice | posted in: Adventure, Personal Growth, Retirement | 0

It’s hard to believe how time fly’s by sometimes and it’s been over three months since I have posted a piece of writing. Have now been in Thailand for 7 months. With all of life’s trials and tribulations. The expression, “wherever you go, there you are” has become a large voice. So have the words adapt, acclimate and assimilate.

I went from a westernized, capitalistic, highly regulated, hyper-independent culture to a developing country halfway around the world with different ethics around family values, work/economy and personal engagements (saving face). Even through some of my own head twisting confusions, I still wake up every morning happy to be here in this chapter of my life.

Societal Values

Things really don’t get started here in Chiang Mai until about 10-11a. It’s the time when most of the shops open. It gives people enough time to get their children to school and prepare for the workday. Many children go to work with their parents. Taken care of by all the people as the “day care”. Children play an important role here in societal structure.

Many times, I get asked if I worry about living alone. I am 56 and considered “old” according to Thai culture. I don’t have any children to take care of me if/when I get sick. A vulnerable aspect for Thai culture is being alone, without children at old age. I will call that a Thai’ism. Children are seen as a source of wealth for the family. To pass on the family business and to care for the elders in the family. Being alone is sometimes considered a weakness.

If you are interested in reading more about this, this is a good blog explaining more of this.

The Slow & Simple Life

Going from a full-time job, real estate rental property, many side hustles, a rich and full social life… to a “FULL STOP” … no job, no real-estate ownership, no real social life … has had its ups and downs. I do miss some of my kitchen toys from time to time. Completely enjoying the simplicity of life that comes with little responsibilities, not having many personal belongings, and can choose to do what I want. Although sometimes the solitude can be hard to sit with. What I miss most is my friends and community. Although I am building my own here slowly.

Thailand makes it simple to live here for a foreigner. Immigration retirement visa rules are straightforward. Can hire a visa agent which will make the process way easier and less time consuming. I got my Thailand driver’s license (motorcycle and car). Opened a bank account. Rented a quiet 2br home on a dead-end street in a gated community. I know all the local markets and see the same sellers at them all. Cooking this yummy food is dreamy. I don’t eat out a lot and am happy to support the locals in the markets and avoid going to the supermarket at all costs.

I bought a secondhand bicycle and fixed it up so I can ride often. I do my best to keep somewhat of a daily practice. Consisting of walking, sitting (need to do more of), cycling, local markets, cooking, hanging out with a couple friends or video calls back home. What hobbies I will pick back up again, I am not sure. I see some soap making in the future.

No Money No Honey – The Transactional Relationship

The phrase “no money, no honey” is an expression often associated with relationships or transactional dynamics. It generally implies that financial resources are a prerequisite for receiving affection, companionship, or attention, particularly in contexts like nightlife or dating involving economic exchanges. One of the expressions I learned is “foreigner wife for sale”, meaning foreigners buy their wives. Nothing is free in our capitalist world.

While some relationships involve genuine emotional connections, others hinge on the expectation of financial stability or support. “Mia Farang” (foreign wife) relationships between Thai women and foreign men can include an element of financial exchange or security. Mia farang is understood as a Thai woman in a relationship with foreign men (White/Caucasian), be it as a casual partner, a lawfully wedded wife, or a mistress. The term is known to be implicitly derogatory. However, Mia Farang is used in such a way that it shows a mode of struggle as well as its more contemporary meaning by which these women can be praised, too, if they succeed.

Attitudes towards transactional relationships vary. Some people view them as a necessary means of survival or mutual benefit, especially when many relationships are driven by income inequality. Others attach stigma, particularly if the relationship is overtly financial.

Among Thais, maintaining “face” (reputation and social respect) influences how these relationships are perceived and discussed publicly. Many relationships exist on a spectrum between transactional and traditional, with mutual benefit and genuine affection often coexisting.

Saving-Face

This particular concept of “Saving face” refers to preserving one’s reputation, dignity, and social standing in the eyes of others. I am completely fascinated by how the culture is driven by this concept. Saving face, involves avoiding embarrassment, shame, or conflict that could damage personal or collective respect. Thai culture places a high value on maintaining peace and harmony. Avoiding confrontation or situations that could cause someone to “lose face” helps preserve these values.

“Saving Face” affects social behavior in several ways. Thais tend to avoid direct criticism, confrontation, or public disputes, as these could cause someone to lose face. Indirect communication or polite phrasing is often used instead. Actions or words are chosen carefully to ensure that no one is humiliated or put in an uncomfortable position. This extends to professional, social, and family contexts. When mistakes occur, individuals often apologize indirectly or deflect blame to minimize face loss for themselves or others.

Certain actions or circumstances, such as financial struggles, family issues, or engagement in frowned-upon professions (e.g., nightlife work), carry stigma. Affected individuals may go to great lengths to hide these situations to save face. Thai society often expects individuals to meet social norms regarding behavior, success, and morality. Falling short can lead to judgment or ostracism. Gossip plays a significant role in reinforcing social norms and stigma. Fear of being the subject of negative gossip can further pressure individuals to maintain appearances.

Essentially, saving face restricts people from showing their true emotions due to the idea that it displays weakness, that in the past may have led to social rejection. The emphasis on saving face can lead to suppressed emotions, as individuals avoid expressing anger, disappointment, or vulnerability. People may hesitate to seek help for personal issues, mental health, or financial problems due to fear of stigma or face loss. In personal relationships, saving face might sometimes prevent open communication or the resolution of deeper issues.

Deflection As Protection

My survival pattern of “deflection” fits perfectly into this “saving face” concept. Deflection works in Thai society by avoiding blame or confrontation, helps maintain positive relationships and prevents resentment. Deflection can look like not being able to receive affection, love or a compliment because someone believes it is not true or fake. Thai culture values peace and consensus. Deflection prevents situations that could disrupt group harmony. Public acknowledgment of failure or wrongdoing can be deeply shaming. Deflection protects against this and allows a graceful way out of uncomfortable situations.

But there are some potential downsides of deflection. Deflection can lead to unresolved issues or misunderstandings, because problems are not addressed directly. Indirect communication is confusing to people unfamiliar with Thai cultural norms, especially foreigners like me accustomed to directness. In professional or organizational settings, deflection can hinder accountability and transparency.

One deflection mechanism is the offering of unsolicited advice. When someone is expressing emotion or feeling, or some hardship, the unsolicited advice comes from others to solve the “problem”. But when we are sharing ourselves like this, there really isn’t any problem at all, only someone trying to talk about their life. Not many people realize how deflecting from the topic by offering unsolicited advice creates a distance and hierarchy between two people. It does not help the individual deal with the issues directly. Listening and empathy skills are the antidote to this. Let each other find our own answers.

The Whiner

As you can probably see and read, my writing isn’t all full of glitter and warm fuzzies. I had someone (Thai person) point out to me that I can be a “whiner”. My inner critic can get the best of me and then be a projection of my internal world. It completely goes against the Thai cultural concept of “saving face”.

There are plenty of cultural differences that have me scratching my head and kinda confused at times. This can sometimes be perceived as me complaining or criticizing. Which is something this culture is sensitive to. I am much more attuned to speak what is happening in my psyche, rather than masking it and word-smithing it to save face. I can see where I might get labelled as a whiner.

Here’s a few pictures to help you get an idea of some of the head scratchy things…

On the upside, people who experience me and my straightforwardness also take a breath of fresh air. Because what I speak is what most people are afraid to speak. Many people are not used to being in front of the critical eye. They also realize it can be for the good of the situation and make things better. Rather than brush stuff under the carpet, only to come out sideways later.

The Food

Oh, My, God…. The FOOD!

After 7 months of living here, the local markets have not gotten old at all. I did have to make some adjustments. At first, I was going to the local markets all the time and my refrigerator had enough food for a family of four for days. I had fun cooking and giving food away to my neighbors. Had to limit my market shopping so I could go more frequently and just not buy too much. How is it possible to spend under $15 and have the freshest farm to table fruits and vegetables for days?

“Did you eat your rice today?”, a traditional way of greeting each other here in Thailand. Food plays an integral part in the societal structure. I was honored to be interviewed on my friend’s Way’s cultural perspective podcast.

All In All….

With all the up’s and down’s its been a wonderful beginning here in Thailand. Waking up every morning here makes me happy. Not being in the crazy ‘merikkkhan political mess brings me great pleasure. Adjusting my ways of life and my thinking has been some of the challenge. I am thrilled to be living a minimalist life with very few belongings.

Onward!

11 Nov 2024

The Mercy & Compassion Workspace

by Maurice | posted in: Personal Growth, Psychology, Relationship, Spirituality, The Human Condition | 0

What is Mercy?

I’m not sure if I’m qualified to be talking about the topic of mercy. I don’t know any more how to be speaking of mercy, or what being merciful looks like or what dreaming of a merciful life or society is. Recognizing the presence of mercy is even fleeting to me. Maybe it might be helpful to ask myself what mercy means?

Mercy means offering or receiving when being offered, help during hard times. Mercy isn’t something we earn or deserve. It involves releasing the unsolvable, forgiving the unforgivable, accepting life as it unfolds in front of our eyes. Mercy takes us to the miracle of an apology, to give and receive care and love. Mercy brings us to unashamed humility when we have made a mistake or neglected.

Grace, forgiveness, empathy, compassion are synonyms of mercy. These are all pathways we might consider taking when we look at the great big mess of ourselves. Our attachment to being right, greed, prejudice, aging, fear. Everything out there that makes us turn away from accepting life as it presents itself and performing acts of kindness and goodness anyway. Holding onto the belief that caring and love are woven into even the worst life has to offer.

Mercy means that we soften, even if ever so slightly. Like looking at the world through a new pair of glasses. When we put them on, we can see the condemnation for others being total shits, which is sometimes a projection of ourselves, a bit more gently.

We were born as merciful beings. Full of gratitude and wonder. Until we lost those parts of ourselves. We hid away those parts of ourselves. So we could become societally accepted, productive, admired by others, more armored and less vulnerable, with growing frustrations. We seem to forget mercy will still be there waiting for us to return to collect all the shadow aspects of ourselves and integrate those unclaimed and unlived parts of our lives we seemed to have tossed aside or lost. We awaken, if only temporarily at times. Becoming aware again of our human nature to see life as it is. So we can serve those who are suffering. To give as we are able to receive.

Life Is Messy

I have made it through 55 years if life. But when I reflect on some of the past in my life, I see a broken past with many mistakes and disappointments. I have also had some great opportunities and successes. I want to be a good person, living a good and simple life. I don’t want to be a letdown to others, when that is always a possibility. I want to learn from my mistakes so I can embody the fullness of presence to be in service to others more than to myself. Yet here I am living in Thailand, and I continue to fail and make mistakes regularly. I am one inconsistent, incompetent mess.

What about all the rules and guidelines there are to follow to live a good life? Principles to guide my life by and maps and recipes to show me the path so I can live an uncontaminated and orderly existence. The old and New Testament? The teachings of the Buddha? Then I stop hard in my tracks. I am reminded of the guiding forces in my life. The cultivation of connection and intimacy through the messiness of my life. Others have helped me see the reality of our broken and flawed lives. Not because we need to remove our flaws but, because we need to release the seeking of perfection. It’s not about being fixed. It’s about the acceptance of our gentle, kind, caring, loving, and at the same time, unstable, judgmental, critical, shrewd selves.

I don’t believe people who think they have life all figured out and give the impression everything is fine, when it’s not. Fake it ‘til you make it, or pretending, is much easier and straightforward. Answering the truth and speaking how you feel is more difficult sometimes. Honesty, from the person asking the questions, requires more of an investment of time, listening skill and openheartedness. Sometimes wishing the questions were never asked.

Pretending is the grease of modern non-relationship relationships that avoids any kind of commitment. Pretending perpetuates the illusion of relationship intimacy by connecting us on the basis of who we aren’t. People pretend to have real relationships because the exposure of our messiness is scary. But being real means the refusal to pretend or allow others to believe we are something we are not. When we are real, honest and vulnerable, our messiness is there for everyone to see.

I am, and we all are works in progress. Perfectly imperfect and incomplete. The darkness of our human flaws is visible in our hearts no matter how hard we try to hide them. To see the light, we must bear our darkness. The darkness in our heart becomes our own compassion towards ourselves. For until we recognize the evil in ourselves, we will not be able to discern the good.

It doesn’t seem I will ever be finished learning or complete during my messy life struggles. I can understand that for each of us to be placed into this physical reality puts us in a position of needing to struggle to survive. Yet, if we don’t have the struggle, we die and never learn to surrender. And we cannot stop the struggle until we learn to surrender.

One of the only things I know to do is surrender myself from my own will. Surrender to who I think are my enemies. In hopes we can become friends. To surrender my struggle against the laws of nature and capitalism and move into the forest. I am tired of suffocating in my own garbage and the garbage littering the planet.

A Generous Heart or Being Right?

Radical kindness towards ourselves and others give us an opportunity to practice and develop a warm and generous heart. Isn’t this what everyone wants? Or do I/we just want to be right? Can we have it both ways? I’m not sure that’s possible. As much as I want to believe a kind, warm and generous heart is the way, I also feel the desire to be right. The key to joy, is offering our unconditional kindness to all of life. Do I have to talk about this now or can I revisit this at another time?

I’ve wanted this softening, my surrender, into happiness. Does my wanting to be this way give me some points? The problem is, I like to be, and am regularly, right. Being right feeds my ego, makes me feel smart and good about myself and covers up any wrongdoings. The attachment to being right also takes precedence to being in relationship. One of my teachers would say, “would you rather be right or be in relationship?”

Do we offer ourselves and others a chance to come back from the self-created drama and toxic thoughts? Especially when the attachment to being right and the hurt seems to be the loudest voices in our heads. Where we get the chance to see how caring and love reaches out to us again and again, beckoning us to soften and come back.

But there is one problem: the mind. I am the notorious black sheep. The material that justifies my unloveliness is constantly accessible and available. My truth telling, talkativeness, psychobabble, pettiness, internal critic and judgment. When I am wearing these foggy glasses, I make myself believe I am surrounded by people trying to get something from me. Never getting what it is that I want. How should I be reacting to all of it? Isn’t that Coyote Trickster trying to get the best of me?

I can take a pause from being prickly, protective and judgmental. Stopping to take a breath. The next thing I can do is let others go from my grips, without needing or demanding an apology. I can stop the campaign and assault in my mind. I can start over. Cultivating patience and peace. Beginning again as many times as necessary. To get myself back to the place I want to be. Softening into the care and love that has been hidden inside of me all along during this onslaught. Wouldn’t this all be nice?

Cycles of Life

There turned out to be a time in my life when I realized I was losing my ability to be merciful. Both towards to myself and others. I realized the sense of comfort in my own skin was deteriorating. I began to retrace my steps.

Some people emerge out of healthy and adjusted families with happy and fulfilled parents who, if necessary, sought help for their addiction, anger, depression and grief, and who celebrated their children who were deeply different. Or so I hear. Maybe just shy of a handful of people I ever met. My close friends have most always been the children of absent parents, adultery, alcohol/drugs, betrayal, disloyalty and manic depression. But that’s just my own perspective. Or is that just how life is?

I know there are some healthy families out there. But I think most of us were raised by one or both parents with big problems. If one of our parents were in a bad marriage, or alcoholic, depressed, unhappy, chain-smokers, passive aggressive, silent, unfaithful or abandoned, we began as fetuses to marinate in the embryonic sacs of our mothers’ anxiety.

No matter how bad or lovely one’s childhood, almost everybody walking around was held, fed, and cared for, at least enough to still exist. The world gave us shelter, water, and food, and we grew. The human condition brought terror, and we wept in fear. The human family held us, in the best way it could. Then it inadvertently destroyed us. Allowing us to pick up the pieces and become whole again.

We were taught the exact opposite of what Mark Yaconelli calls the Rule of Love, “Anything that leaves you more fearful, more isolated, more disconnected from other people, more full of judgment or self-hatred, does not follow the Rule of Love—and you should stop doing it.” But while I was growing up, most things left me fearful and isolated.

The “Rule of Love” can be seen as a guideline for living with greater kindness, compassion, and acceptance—qualities that help heal wounds, bridge divides, and nurture healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Anything that leaves us feeling isolated or consumed by judgment (toward ourselves or others) only serves to reinforce walls, both external and internal.

Real life seemed to be setup to shine a light on our defects. It was natural to want a simple, smooth, sweet and slow life, but good luck with that. Things that didn’t work out stuck out for everyone to see and then we got whacked back down. It felt impossible to be in congruity with one’s true self. But at a certain age, I understood that I had a true self, and nobody managed to wreck it just yet. It was only a matter of time to emerge back into the merciful selves we are.

We Are Not Islands

It became easy to see my own imperfections. It also made it easy for me to see everyone else’s. We all see each other’s, so it was life in our fragmented life. As we used fashion, materialism, achievement, and irony as our armor. Because I had lost contact with the truth of my innately merciful self, it was almost impossible to have self-respect. But I always had a couple of friendships that saved me, fed me, and one or two teachers who got me, who got it, who shared the truth that life was amazing but also hard and weird.

One thing I learned and may be the only answer that helps make facing into life’s messiness, has been a deep connection with a couple of people. A friend, a teacher, a therapist, a lover, etc. The Buddha, Jesus, Allah, Moses, all knew they couldn’t control our lives, but could infuse our lives with their merciful teachings. I am grateful to have been graced with a few people over the course of my life to help me navigate life’s messiness. It’s a team effort, we cannot do it alone, no matter how much we think we can. The stronger person gets the other person water, listens when the other is in pain, applies lotion on irritated skin, and stays close. The weaker person has the harder job, of receiving all the care and love. Isn’t this what mercy is? The noticing, giving, caring, accepting, listening, helping, receiving, and most importantly, not running away.

When someone has committed to seeing us through our mess, and we have committed to do the same with that person. It becomes one of the greatest gifts we can give to each other. Hopefully by now, as we age, we know almost every aspect of ourselves, and thus of each other, the self-obsessions, the generosity, the ambition, the gentleness, the greed, the magic, the visceral, the animal, the divine, the silence, the mealy-mouthed, and we embrace the person, now and as is, unto forever.

Honoring Our Brokenness

I’ve said that I want to be part of and accept the great mystery of life’s unfolding. Rilke wrote: “I want to unfold. I don’t want to stay folded anywhere, because where I am folded, there I am a lie.” We tried as hard as we could to please everyone, from our friends, family and our jobs. To fill every moment with productivity. The elders said this would us bring satisfaction in life, and we would get the approval we seek, and others would like us more. But we also learned to sabotage ourselves. Our high achievement made us and everyone else look good, but we also seemed not to be in our own integrity with ourselves and the greatest good for all.

We fooled ourselves into false states of accomplishment, estrangement from ourselves, squandering our very short lives. Our self-importance was fueled by performance anxiety, people-pleasing, and bad self-esteem. We became good worker robots in crispy creased folded dry-cleaned shirts. Not getting strong from our mistakes and in our broken places. Although people talk about that was happening.

The Japanese have an art of repairing broken pottery by mending the breakage with powdered gold called, Kintsugi. It treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to hide. Kintsugi says: We value our brokenness enough to repair it. So, it does not become a denial or a cover-up. It becomes the opposite, an adornment of the break with gold, which draws the breakage into greater importance. The gold becomes part of its beauty. Somehow the aesthetic of its having been cracked but still being here, brought back not to baseline but restored, brings expansion.

This is not what typically happens in much of our world. Most of the time we throw out the stuff that is broken, or do our best to ignore or disguise it, or cover it up, or patch the crack so we can still sell the item. We want nobody to notice we were once hurt and heartbroken. We do a dishonor to ourselves if we pretend that we have not lived a messy life or gotten wounded. When we pretend life isn’t messy, bottling our feelings, not allowing others to see who we truly are, we prevent others from offering us their mercy and compassion. To have borne our own broken hearts and seen such shattered lives around the world is what gives us a shot at becoming merciful people. We must be done with the pretense of being fine, unscarred, perfectly self-sufficient, and the pretending to be happy. Because no one always is.

Compassion is Action

I don’t want my last words here to be about bad thoughts or behaviors or the doom of the end of the world. Grace, mercy, love, compassion and forgiveness seems like they need to have the last say. Although to transform ourselves and the world into a place of empathy and compassion seems like ultimate master plan. Because without compassion, little can be accomplished in the human struggle.

It seems like the conventional definition of compassion where we swallow our ill will and accept the mistakes of ourselves and others is limiting and only taking us so far. It certainly is a great beginning. But compassion cannot be passive. Our culture of blame and shame is passive. As we wait to be punished for some perceived wrongdoing. This is where compassion needs to become action. Proactively seeking what others need the most and offering it to them. A thief stealing gold, needs something else, not the gold.

This change in how we look at compassion has the possibility to change the social order and our personal morality. Maybe we can finally realize we are each responsible for each other? Like the covid epidemic began to show us. This way of looking at compassion actively can make it our obligation, and maybe even a pleasure, to find what everyone we encounter needs the most and give it to them.

Mercy, Mercy, Me

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