Patriarchal Conflict & It’s Reconstruction

asian valuesThe Starting Point…

Patriarchal Conflict & It’s Reconstruction… Making my way to Asia once again I have chosen to look through different eyes. In previous trips to Thailand, I wanted to experience all the famous areas, temples, and the food. What most tourists might do. My last experience in Asia opened up my heart to the kindness and hospitality of the people and the culture. So much so, that upon my arrival back in the USA, to my own home and country, I no longer felt like it was home for me. Even unpacking my boxes and setting up my home on my return with all my material things no longer felt like they were mine anymore.

This time as I make my way to Asia for the summer, I hold a different intention. Too look at the places I visit through the eyes of a local. As someone who would live here because, that’s my plan for retirement. Engaging with the locals, supporting the local economy, and embracing the practices of the local culture and traditions. Thailand has embraced many traditions and cultures over its existence.  A mix of Brahmanism and Buddhist religions, with a Muslim and western population and more.  All respecting each other and living together well. A truly beautiful thing! Very different than what is portrayed on the media in my home country. Don’t worry… my rosy view is not limited, I’m aware there is discrimination and racism everywhere in the world.

Prostitution, Sex and The Patriarchy?

There is a patriarchal system in place in Thailand society. Did you know the king of Thailand has multiple wives? Many people do not agree with this practice of the king. I’m sure you also know about Thailand being the sex tourism capitol of the world. Even though prostitution is officially illegal in Thailand, there has been an economic reliance on prostitution since the Vietnam war, with much police corruption. Yet, obtaining sexual services for oneself without any aggravating circumstances (underage victim, trafficking, by fraud, deceit, threat, violence, or the exercise of undue influence or coercion) remains legal and is unpunished under Thai law.

There is a fuzzy perception of sexual morality in Thailand. Thai families and women want to protect their dignity and innocence while there are open-air bordellos inviting men to indulge themselves. How do women righteously protect their virginity until married, while men fulfill their masculine sex drive and promiscuous biological obligations? There is a stigma attached to promiscuity and it is our virility that is a driving force for engaging in prostitution. Taboos require education and treatment. Can you feel some of the dichotomy like I do?

What are some of the reasons people decide to sell or buy sex? I think that’s the million-dollar question. Men are looking for companionship and physical intimacy. Severe poverty coupled with the absence of social welfare is certainly a direct stimulator of the sex industry. Impoverished women are choosing sex work over low paying professions. Some families force women into prostitution so they could send money back home to improve the family’s financial situation. These reasons are only scratching the surface, I’m sure there are many more motives than this.

It’s a well-known and a general statement to make, that males are known to have more of a sex drive and interest in sex greater than most females. Some of the complaint’s men have, is that their partner doesn’t want sex like they used to. And vice versa, women complain about men wanting sex too much. There are cultures in the world where keeping a mistress is common. Mistress-keeping was traditional in Japan because virtually all marriages were arranged, love was not involved, and a nation-wide legal prostitution system catered to men (over and above the thousands of geishas). Times have changed, but mistress-keeping is still common.

There is even a hush story in my own family. I’m not even clear about it and unsure about the truth of the story. That my grandfather came back home to the USA with a purple heart medal after being injured in World War II with his French nurse as a mistress. The shame of it in the family has kept this story silent. Nobody has even talked about it in my family.

Is shame the crux of it all? Is it patriarchal control? The desire to crawl out of economic poverty? Is it shame based, for the ladies and their families who choose to work in the sex worker industry for economic gain? Is it shame for men having a higher sex drive and not sure what to do with that drive in their relationships, so they take it to prostitution? Meanwhile, governmental laws are repealed, amended, and reformed almost all over the globe on a yearly basis, and are consistently a basis for sincere moral ambivalence, religious rhetoric, and interminable controversy.

I don’t claim to have the answers, only pondering the issues here.

Patriarchal Family Values… or not

When I was in Asia last, I remembered the family values that were so hospitable and warmed my heart. I was welcomed into peoples’ homes and treated so well. Almost as if they were my own family. I was treated like family. Sometimes it felt more like my family than my family of origin felt like. Sure, there was an economic exchange for room and board but, I wasn’t continually asked for economic reciprocity while acts of service were provided to me. I wanted to participate in the reciprocity of giving and receiving without insulting anyone by doing it. I’m still learning about this as there are plenty of people willing to empty your bank account without any remorse.

In some of these family values lies shadows of the patriarchal system. For instance, should a couple (or the man) decide they do not want to be married anymore, there is no official legal obligation or government enforcement for the man to provide economic support for the children. I found that is a similar practice in Colombia and other South American countries. Many women find themselves moving back into their parents’ home, or sending their children to live there so they can work to provide economic support.

Very different than the perspective from within the USA. Where a woman can decide not to be married, get a divorce, and the courts will give her half of what all the man owns. Including the house to care for the children and monthly child support payments. I have also seen the opposite in my own family, where the woman was the main financial support and the man received alimony payments in addition to half of marital assets.

I’m trying not to take any sides or opinions about this at this moment. Only to hold the many points of view and the passions, pain and suffering surrounding them.


The Intelligence of Reconstruction

I realize the patriarchy has included the suppression of women and the imbalance of power in our world. I want to treat this topic as gentle as possible to allow for changes within myself and in the outside world that are needed to bring us into more relational, political, familial, and sexual balance. I understand there needs to be a shift in the way men have operated in the past and a stepping up by women to be more leaders. The past is the past, and we cannot live in the past, we can only look forward, learning from it, and create a better world for everyone.

I look at my own life and how I have benefitted from a patriarchal society. Grateful for what I have received. Sad for the suffering of others who have not gained as I have. I look at how I may change myself and be of service to make more of a difference in today’s world.

I am holding onto an ideal, as pie in the sky as it might be… that there is a way out from suppression, discrimination, and sexism. I believe these kinds of conflict is intrinsic to our human existence and will continue to be with us. When we are faced with these kinds of conflict, we are given a chance to practice transforming those issues into patience, mutual understanding, and creativity. In this way, we contribute to a shared endeavor of learning how to live peacefully with each other. This is one of the greatest challenges in our human existence on the planet, and our individual efforts makes a difference in the collective evolution.

This transformation requires us to let go of any judgement or belief that something is wrong or bad. We need to be able to shift our point of view to see these conflicts possess a certain wisdom that expresses a position we may not want to see or cannot see. Sometimes old patterns need to be abandoned for a relationship to change or grow. It’s possible to learn to see this wisdom at work in our conflicts so we can respond creatively and constructively. We then realize, it isn’t the conflict that is the problem, it’s our response to it.

What will you choose to do?


Love wants to reach out and manhandle us,
Break all of our teacup talk of God.

Hafiz

The Exchange – Reciprocity

Ireciprocity have been curiously fascinated by the intricate dances we do as humans in the many relationships we maintain with each other and the planet. We can embrace the foundation of personal, economic, and relational abundance in our practice of reciprocity towards each other and the earth. Participating in each other’s evolution and prosperity. Reciprocity is how all things and people naturally want to relate. We all seek reciprocity in our relationships, with each other, in our work, with the planet. Creating a balance.

reciprocity2Relationship Reciprocity

I have learned a lot after much travel throughout the world, learning about the different cultures and how they do love relationships. The reference point I have is from America and western society. What I see people are looking for in the west is chemistry. Feelings of excitement that come along with butterflies in the belly and a desire to always be together. This chemistry comes first before anything else. They call this a love relationship, a relationship by choice and not by arrangement.

From that initial chemistry in a love relationship, we learn how to be equally supportive of one another and provide each other with the same level of trust, care, and affection. We learn what each other needs are in emotional connection, money, and sexuality when that initial chemistry is at play. Then we learn how to love each other once that initial charge of chemistry wears off and we begin to realize our own projections of each other. The relational exchange of reciprocity begins from the initial charge of chemistry between the two people.

After being exposed to arranged marriages in the Hindu and Muslim countries, the lens I have looked through changed. In this model, how I see it, there most likely is not that electrical charge of chemistry. Two families come together and present the children to each other as potential life mates in marriage relationship. The two then learn how to navigate life together first and learn how to deal with life’s challenges and love each other. The families want to do their best to make sure the mates for their children are suitable for life partnership, supported by their parents in ways that make navigating a life partnership effective and compassionate.

Having spent some time in S.E. Asia I am learning more and more about how people here sometimes navigate relationships. The diverse economic realities lend itself to different choices to be made based purely on economics. It’s almost like a business deal. Many men come from the west to live here and find a suitable mate/wife. There is most likely a language and cultural barrier. The western male typically brings the economic stability, and the locals bring their care and love. The emotional connection may or may not come into play or even exist. The reciprocating exchange is economic stability for care and love.

is capitalism moral

Capitalism – A Moral Reciprocity

The main capitalist ideal is for business to maximize profits. It takes little or nothing into consideration any moral or ethical responsibilities or obligations towards workers, customers, or the planet. Shouldn’t business have a responsibility to those who are dependent on them for security instead of the bottom line of making money? Don’t we have reciprocal obligations to treat one another as a human family instead of some materialistic and economic social contract?

If there would be some sort of moral compass to guide capitalism and its growth, what might be some guiding principles that could benefit everyone?

The philosopher and economist Adam Smith’s principle of the invisible hand describes a possible moral guide for capitalism. Smith describes people pursuing their own self-interest in free markets are led—as if by an invisible hand—to make everyone in society as well off as possible. People usually support capitalism because it is alleged to deliver higher living standards and more economic freedom than alternative economic systems.

einstein reciprocity

There is an assumption that human needs can be satisfied through economic prosperity. I think we got that all backwards. It’s most of the people who create the material goods and economic growth, not one individual. The individual’s self-interest does not promote the common good, reciprocity does. Cooperation creates prosperity for our lives to survive.

Capitalism needs a way to be controlled to distribute economic wealth amongst the population. There have been several countries who have been moderately successful establishing some socialism to care for the people through health care and education than the oligarchy in the

USA. Political parties differ in terms of the degree of government intervention deemed necessary to redistribute the economic pie.

Masculine Shame & Fear of Emotions

I have spent the good part of my adult life discovering empowering ways to take off the masks and armor of protection mechanisms. All I wanted was be accepted, be enough, set healthy boundaries and open myself to be vulnerable by owning and talking about my story. It turned out to be an ongoing wrestling match struggling to be honest with myself, open to others, perfectionism, fighting the internal critical gremlins, the discomfort and self-doubt.

I’ve experienced varying degrees of successes in my life, made my share of mistakes, confronting the numbing behaviors, dealing with rejection and shame. All of this, while I learned what it means to be a man in this culture of America so I can be the most genuine and best version of myself as possible.

I’ve been inspired to write about masculine shame (shame of masculinity) after reading Brené Brown’s latest books, Atlas of the Heart and Daring Greatly. I haven’t been drawn to her work as she was mostly focused on women, but in the last several years she has incorporated men into her research. Her research identified attributes of defining masculinity in America as, “… winning, emotional control, risk-taking, violence, dominance, playboy, self-reliance, primacy at work, power over women, disdain for homosexuality, and pursuit of status.” Reading those attributes, it’s not the kind of man I would want to spend my time with.

ManSelfControlDiciplineThe Shame of Being a Man

Man Up – Don’t Be a Pussy – Can’t Be Wrong – You Are Broken
Don’t Show Fear – Do Not Be Perceived as Weak – Toxic Masculinity

When men are perceived as weak, are criticized, and ridiculed, it becomes some of the most shaming experiences we can have. The expectation is to be highly competitive, to come out on top, not be angry (let alone show it), stay passionate in the face of others’ criticism, not be girly or feminine… a constantly fighting. The alternative to all that is to just give up, not care about anything, numb out our feelings, and pretend to be the strong man we are expected to be. The options are being either pissed off or shut down.

We live at a time of great perceived scarcity, not having enough, cannot be worthy enough, and a feeling of never being safe. A time of great uncertainty. The focus becomes on something horrible happening, losing a job, a war or terrorist attack, a natural disaster, a mass gun shooting, a virus outbreak or pandemic. We are left thinking of the worst, because that way anything else will be positive and a good day!

Sometimes it seems like others would like to see me die being on top of my perceived game rather than profess my struggles, emotions, sufferings, and vulnerability. My experience has been that people don’t know how to deal with my feelings and hold me in my most vulnerable emotional expressions. I then get seen as being weak, critical and the cause of problems. All reason enough to be discarded and rejected. The fear of emotions and their expression continues to be active in me.

MenDarkSideHurtNumbing and Masking Our Pain

Americans have become more in debt, over-eating, medicated, and addicted more than ever. Prescription drug overdoses have become one of the leading causes of death, says the Center for Disease Control (CDC). The drug dealers are not found on the street anymore selling heroin. They are our friends, relatives, and our friendly primary care physician. According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, men are more likely than women to use almost all types of illicit drugs and illicit drug use is more likely to result in emergency department visits or overdose deaths for men than for women.

I have experienced a desire to feel less suffering, more of feeling good in my life. I think we all have. We live at a time where addiction is all around us in many shapes and sizes. There are many options to choose from; sugar, nicotine, alcohol only to name a few. Numbing and addictive patterns have emerged out of those desires to feel less suffering and more joyful pleasure. A quick and numbing fix has been to grab a box of Oreos, smoke marijuana, drink beer, or sex. They do a fabulous job of making something go away and get a quick hit of pleasure.

The problem is that it that the pleasure is only temporary. It’s not savoring the creamy sweet goodness of a chocolate bonbon. Its shoving the entire chocolate bar in our mouth lickety split.

Anxiety & DisconnectionLoveIsActivePowerInMan

My experience of anxiety has been driven by uncertainty, competitiveness to be the best, have the most and social anxiety of wanting to fit in. I’ve been fearful of revealing the diverse and alternative interests in my life. While at the same time keeping up a front of normalcy and keeping a career considered to be mainstream acceptable. Feeling like I’m being pulled in very different directions while society values normalcy has created great uncertainty and anxiety.

I think Parker Palmer explains a reasoning for this anxiety and disconnection in “A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life”. Palmer says, “Afraid that our inner light will be extinguished or our inner darkness exposed, we hide our true identities from each other. In the process, we become separated from our own souls. We end up living divided lives, so far removed from the truth we hold within that we cannot know the “integrity that comes from being what you are.”

Even though I have over a thousand friends on social media, a slew of colleagues at the college I’ve been working at for almost twenty-five years, some wonderful real-life friends. I experience times where I feel alone and unseen. I have also experienced periods of my life with great connections and relationships. I realize relationships and life comes with times of feeling disconnected. In combination with feelings of shame of being cast aside and not worthy of connection, it creates a suffering that the psyche wants to numb.

Further along the path from disconnection, leads to isolation. It’s not only about the act of physical isolation from others. The demise is the hopelessness experienced when we become locked out from the possibility of human connection and feel powerless to do anything to change our situation. The propensity from here is to mask all these painful emotions of feeling separate with chemicals and behaviors that create the illusions of fitting in, connection and managing anxiety.

JohnHainWorthlessnessThe Ultimate Shame: Rejection

My mother “wore the pants in the family”, was the primary bread winner and ran the household. Over time, she became angry and resentful towards my father’s lack of drive and masculinity. My father has a way of avoidance, being passive, and in turn, enabled my mother’s bad behavior because of a lack of boundaries. I didn’t have good modeling of what a healthy love relationship was supposed to look like when I became a young adult.

What I learned is that typically men are the initiators in the relationships. Men are the ones responsible to initiate sex, propose marriage, and deal with their fair share of rejection. One main icons of masculine shame. Initiating sex can be terrifying for men when she isn’t in the mood, or he wants some adventurous alternative sexual expression. Sexual rejection over time has taken away our sense or power and control. The use of pornography has become a numbing behavior and activity because for little money and little time men believe they are getting what they are needing and never have to risk rejection.

Cultivating intimacy, being vulnerable with our feelings is practically impossible when the shame trigger of rejection is activated. Of course, there are normally other issues in our relationships like body image, aging, money, parenting, exhaustion, resentment, and fear. How are we supposed to practice dedication to ourselves, each other, and the relationship around such sensitive topics? We must be able to talk about our feelings and what we need and desire. Listening to the other with an open heart and mind, unfettered by defensiveness, and not taking things personally. There is no intimacy without vulnerability.

Being vulnerable and expressing our feelings is a courageous act. Honoring the others vulnerability by setting up a scared space to be able to listen has been a helpful strategy. I think expressing our vulnerability and being a skilled listener is one of the hardest practices to do within a love relationship. Also, one that has great benefits

MaleArchytypes

Busyness: Boundaries & Self Care

I was not educated in my family about emotions, their healthy expression and acceptance to feel the way I do. I witnessed all kinds of numbing behaviors instead of looking at, owning of, and leaning into the uneasiness of our painful emotions. Being mindful and setting boundaries in life were not something to be considered in my family life as a child.

My family was stuck in a scarcity model and embraced the numbing pattern of busyness. Everyone stayed so busy with work, school, and life there wasn’t the time left for personal connections. Life went from one obligation to another with no time left to practice how to deal with painful feelings and emotions in a healthy way. We became a culture of people who think that if they stay busy enough, we don’t have to deal with the truths in our lives. In my case, those truths only came out unconsciously sideways and were very hurtful.

What I realized at a young age was that there was no way I wanted to be that busy and devoted to my work. There was too much life to experience. Relationships were more important to me than the model of saying fuck you and walking away like I saw happen in my family. I had no idea how to get where I wanted to go. I had no idea what a healthy relationship or partnership or love relationship was supposed to look like.

At a young age, I did know that setting boundaries of what acceptable and appropriate behaviors were an example of self-care and healthy. Not just walking away from relationships without some sort of effort. I did know that being busy was living in a scarcity model, a numbing behavior and I had a hunch that perfectionism was unattainable and a form of shame. I didn’t learn that part of perfectionism until later in life.

The Solution

There is much work to be done, both men/women individually and as an American culture. The ego driven separation we may experience is a direct result of the competitive nature in our capitalist – consumerist culture. The valuing of material things, power-over, hierarchal status, money, and the need to be right… all overshadows the fundamentally deep spiritual belief that we are unexplainably connected to one another by forces greater than ourselves. Spiritual forces grounded in empathy, compassion, and love.

Wishes, Prayers & Hopes…

  1. Everyone can see how worthy we are in deserving of love, understanding and compassion from each other.
  2. We can develop the listening skills needed to hold each other in our true and vulnerable expression
  3. To overcome our numbing and addictive patterns
  4. Feeding our spirits and acknowledging that we are all sacred beings all wanting the same things

Passivity & Passive Aggression

Passive Aggression = Avoidance of Conflict

Why can’t we just say what we mean, ask for what we want and be honest when we don’t want something?

Passive aggressiveness is the false outward appearance of cooperation designed to keep the peace while inwardly disagreeing and resisting.  We resort to it for one of two reasons.

  1. Because it allows us to appear cooperative, agreeable and helpful, we want to look good. Out of pride.
  2. We fear the consequences if there is disagreement. Running away from, because of the fear of conflict.

This avoidance tactic is the cause of a lot of unresolved pain in relationships and has the opposite effect of bringing people together. When people are acting passive aggressive, they will smile and make nice but there’s no way of knowing what they think. There can be no true “knowing” because no one’s sharing their real self, the kind of sharing that is the basis of real intimacy. Over time, the cordial and agreeable feelings fade because beneath all that pleasantry simmers conflict, tension and the keeping of distance. Even though this is a cooperative guise, it’s hostile, and it brings division to relationships.

The Witnessing of Passivity / Passive Aggression…

In academics…

The blank stares, the bored body language, the doodling with music playing in earbuds, the fear of speaking up and being wrong, and desire for the status quo. As look out into people’s faces, I see the fear. The fear of being wrong, stepping out of their comfort zone, and the fear of conflict which keeps people from engaging. Passivity is a death sentence to our creativity, and our individual and relational growth. We teach our children to follow instructions and regurgitate information on examinations. We do not cultivate individual thought and encourage abilities to develop a creative process to question the status quo. People then become the sheep, with herd mentality and easily led around by the wolves out of fear.

In the workplace…

Gossiping or talking badly about people behind their backs, “being offended” vs freedom of speech, people who speak up pointing out the challenges are accused of being the problem, sarcasm. When someone feels angry or slighted and is unaware of how to express their feelings in a healthy manner. Passivity signals a slow death to organizations who cannot identify the problem and do not take actions.

In family history…

One parent used anger as a weapon and the other pretended anger didn’t exist. Anger is used to point out hurt and how something needs to change. Much emphasis was put on anger’s unhealthy expression. The person expressing the anger was accused of causing high drama and conflict and being needy. While the other partner being accused of emotionally unavailability, being non-communicative, narcissistic, and self-centered.

It’s clear where some of this passivity comes from. Passivity is convenient, mostly born out of fear. Fear of being wrong, judged, rejected, abandoned, hurting other’s feelings, avoiding dealing with past traumas, failure, over commitment, etc. We want to be fulfilled by our lives, on our own terms, without having to risk or work towards a dream, desire, or direction out of complacency or fear.

Inner Passivity

I am learning about this thing called “inner passivity”. The feelings of being stuck, unsettled, weak, trapped, overwhelmed, and anxious, etc. A lot of times this inner passivity goes unnoticed and unexamined. Continuing to operate this way out of habit and fear. Not responding, or hiding one’s true feelings

I have been able to locate these feelings of passivity in myself over the last few years. My father is in a lockdown memory care unit, my mother cut me off because she doesn’t like some of the things I say, I’m ready to change careers and only have 3 more semesters until I qualify for retirement. I’m still learning to keep my mouth shut in specific environments.

I’ve had some self-awareness about the reasons I have become passive and where I’ve backed off from my own expression in my family and the workplace. I’m not sure this awareness is a way out of passivity because, I think it is serving me at the moment. Maybe one day I might realize this way of being is not serving me.

Guilt and shame are active players in my family history. Both are also culprits of passivity and where the inner critic is given permission to preside as the master of life. The inner critic heaps disapproval and scorn upon the psyche. The body absorbs this self-abuse because, through inner passivity, there is no protection from our negative self-talk.  Our own irrational thinking stemming from a highly negative inner critic can be brutal against our self-esteem and self-worth. Sometimes, we wind up “buying into” the inner critic’s allegations of our faults, failures and may even consider ourselves as broken humans.

Passivity vs Passive Aggression

Looking for some awareness into these two aspects of life, passivity/aggression, has been challenging for me to find. On one hand, humans have aggressively polluted and are destroying the planet, yet most standby passively and watch. We can see where our political leaders are acting unethically, yet half of the population votes them into office for a second and third term.

The aggression I am talking about can also be a positive one. As in making things happen in the workplace or on the sports field. However, passive aggression does have a negative side producing reactions like anger and resentment. I need to be expressive with my sentiments, but how to do it appropriately? A banking system that makes the rich richer. The mass media – marketing and propaganda where we don’t know the truth? How the pharmaceutical companies keep us numb and passive … without getting a human response from people that I may be over-reacting?

I admit to feeling powerless and hopeless at times and I realize that comes from a place of fear, insecurity, and self-doubt. It also contributes to my own passivity and wanting to isolate and not engage with people. The feeling of powerlessness and hopelessness are bred from there. It’s in this powerlessness state which I believe makes people decide to buy assault rifles with large ammunition clips vs. a hunting rifle … to experience the sensations of power. As misplaced as it might be.

Passive Aggression in Relationship

I’m mostly curious about the dynamic of passivity/aggression when it comes to relationships. One person aggressively confronts the passive one who avoids and fears confrontation. When the passive person remains passive and not showing they are actively receiving and hearing the information, the aggressor can become abusive. Typically, and legally the aggressor is deemed at fault, especially when the aggression becomes physically and emotionally abusive or violent. Psychologically speaking, both parties are at fault and contribute to suffering and chaos, one in reactive aggression, the other through compulsive passivity.

Passive aggression does not lead to solutionsWhere I stand…

I am so familiar with this dynamic, I am highly sensitive to it when I see it and try to avoid it at all costs because I have a hard time trusting that dynamic. Those people who are unaware of the passivity in themselves scare me. I have a hard time trusting people who are passive… people pleasing, avoiding conflict, burying and unexpressed emotions. It’s terribly difficult for me to trust people who aren’t honest about expressing their feelings and emotions up front, and in turn, sabotage and undermine the other person instead. Their self-interest is always at the others expense.

 

I see passivity as a survival and coping mechanism and not a healthy way of being. A byproduct of a general unwillingness to take risks to speak feelings, desires, and our truth… all out of fear. Building trust means finding a way to be expressive and dealing with the each other’s feelings as they show up.

Being able to find and access our inner power

Developing more awareness of ourselves is an integral part in our personal growth. Finding access to what we know deep inside is appropriate communication and behavior. Establishing loving boundaries, behaviors, and expressions brings internal peace and in relationships. When communicating our truth, tension is unavoidable. However, dealing with differences directly is the only way to resolve things in a way that honors our relationships in the long run. By taking the risk and entering into short-term tension can lead to long-term depth of connection.

If you just want that absence of conflict in the moment and don’t want to take the risk, then passive aggressiveness will serve well. Avoiding the moments of tension by saying what others want to hear. However, in the long run, you will sacrifice the depth of connection and intimacy in relationship because you won’t be willing or able to really expose what you think. In the end, the relationship won’t there anymore.

We want to get to the point of catching ourselves in the act… of inappropriate aggression or over the top passivity. Understanding our own personal history and dynamics of the situation will make us more attentive to resolve conflict. Helping to develop our ability to make kinder choices and better decisions for ourselves, others, the workplace, and our relationships.

After all, isn’t it all about working through conflictual situations, demonstrating that we can love well, with the ultimate goal of sharing our happiness with each other and the world?

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