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23 Jun 2023

The Next Chapter – Retirement

by Maurice | posted in: Adventure, Personal Growth, Psychology, Relationship, The Human Condition, Travel | 0

In September of this year, I will experience my 55^th trip around the sun. It’s hard to believe how fast the time goes by. At times, my body likes to remind me that I am no longer in my twenties anymore. In addition to the aging milestone, the next academic year I will be entering into my 25^th year of teaching. The milestone for government workers where full benefits is available for those deciding to retire. Something I have planned on taking full advantage of for a long time.

Over the course of my life my parents looked at their jobs and careers very differently. My father taught me the lesson of following your dreams. That no job should get in your way of them. My mother taught me an awesome work ethic. I watched my father struggle to hold down a job and make a living. While I watched my mother thrive in her career and become a bit of a workaholic. I knew there was a balance between the two.

I worked hard in my career to get to where I am today. I also worked the system hard in Amerikkkah. I have been blessed with good fortune in addition to have been taught a good work ethic while following the purpose in my life. I have worked many jobs and side hustles to be able to retire at 55. Unfortunately, I just don’t feel staying in Amerikkkah is an option anymore.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

With a change of this magnitude, there will be some ambivalence and fear. I know it’s only natural. Life is full of ambivalence, isn’t it? My friend Stephen encouraged me to make friends with the resistance I had to my own ambivalence. As much of an exciting of an adventure I have when I travel, I do face into the questioning of life and existence. I’m pretty sure I came out of my mother’s womb asking her “why”!

After spending a sabbatical traveling and living in Asia back in 2018-2019, I returned home to the USA feeling like my country was not my home anymore. I even lived in my small apartment without unpacking all my stuff so a friend could live there. I felt more at home in Asia than I did in my own country. America being the leader and focusing on materialism, capitalism, corporatism, gun violence, for profit health care, made me feel as if it was time for me to find a different shit show I could relate to more.

My father was an inspiration for me as he followed his dreams in his career. I did the same thing pursuing being a chef and an educator. Packing up my stuff many times to move across the country and back. To start and finish school 1000s of miles apart. I have experience uprooting myself to follow my dreams and career path. This time, things are different.

I am too young to retire and stop working. I am fortunate enough to have worked the system to my advantage, planned far enough ahead and not have it be a necessity to have a job for income. However, there is a change of direction in my purpose. From a professional chef to college professor to, _______? That free-fall into the mystery accompanied by a foreign country with cultural and language barrier seems like the adventure of a lifetime, yet again.

All Things Considered – Connection

I have accumulated about 30 years of “stuff”. Not only real estate property and material items. But a comfortable support system, including medical professionals who I respect, along with many good friends. I have aged and gotten comfortable. Even if I have spent much time traveling around the world living out of a backpack for months at a time.

Now as I sit in Thailand after about a month of being away, my mind and body wander. I have made a few nice connections here in Thailand. Although these connections here don’t have the history and time investment as the ones I have back home. Building connections and a community for myself, which I believe is possible, will take some time. Probably more time at the age I am now, than if I were younger.

I am mostly an extrovert, and I find this aspect having to start over making friends, building relationships, and creating community a bit of a daunting task and most concerning for me at the moment. I am currently a foreigner and a tourist, a farang, as Thai people call it. Just a common way of referring to foreigners. I don’t speak the language and am learning and getting used to the culture.

The transactional relationship is very much alive here. One of my teachers calls it a “stage two” relationship… if I do this for you, you will do this for me. Stage two is a 50/50 style of relationship. They can be completely void of loyalty and when the need for transaction is no longer there, the relationship ends. After stage two comes the transformational relationship. A relationship where one person does something or gives something to another without any desire for reward. The relationship itself becomes the reward for both parties. IF there is to be a future together, the non-transactional relationship is the right one. Relationships can be both and can grow from one stage to the next.

All Things Considered – Health Care

I left for Thailand needing some dental work, a probable root canal. There was no way I was going to change my airline ticket and wait weeks for appointments with the dentist, endodontist and having a crown made. Only to have to pay top dollar, how little insurance will pay and miss out on my time in Thailand. So, I decided to come to leave and do it here. If I’m eventually going to move here, I might as well get used to things like this, right?

After a few days getting adjusted to the time change and jet lag, I made my way to the “dental hospital” where Thai royalty get their dental work done. I decided to be a walk-in patient and see what happens. I was greeted by the director/owner and within minutes I had a series of x-rays and scans and diagnosed as needing an emergency root canal. After a few hours, I had the entire procedure completed. I only had to return the following day for the completed crown. I’ve was treated so well, the people were great, and it cost me half as much as it would have in the USA. Go figure!

A friend went to get a checkup at a private hospital here in Thailand. Something similar happened to them. They were able to see multiple specialists in one day. This would have taken weeks to months in Amerikkkah.

I have more faith in the health care system here in Thailand than USA. I must do some more research about insurance, public vs private health care, retirement visas, social support systems, etc.

It’s a big decision and a big change to sell all your stuff and move halfway around the world where you don’t speak the language. The next chapter of my life is looking at me square in the face. These are the eyes I wished to be looking through during this time in Thailand. I know the answers are coming, I just have to be patient.

19 Jun 2023

Virtuosity of Happiness

by Maurice | posted in: Love, Personal Growth, Psychology, Spirituality, The Human Condition, Travel | 0

The Different Facets of Happiness

The tour of Thailand I am on now is different than the last times I have been here. Looking with the eyes of retirement and the next chapter of my life. I get asked the question “Why do you want to move to Thailand?” a lot! In Thailand, people are generally kind, hospitable and greet you with a smile. The dollar will go much further in SE Asia. Life in Amerikkkah has gotten to be too much for me… with the USA being the leader of capitalism, consumerism, and materialism. I am aware the world has become a capitalist world, even here in Thailand.

The expression, “Wherever you go, there you are”, has not left my mindset at all. My friend told me they want to be able to cultivate the ability to be happy wherever they live. Isn’t that the life we all crave no matter the circumstances? People will be people wherever you go in the world. Then the conversation about gun violence and terrorism comes up. I was able to take a car tour on top of Khun Dan Prakan Chon Dam. This was a major project to deliver water across the province to benefit all the people there… The concrete structure is approximately 3km long. NEVER… would that be possible at the Hoover Dam in Amerikkkah because people would be so afraid of some terrorist car bomb going off. The only way you can get close to Hoover Dam is through a guided walking tour.

The Buddha & Happiness

Living in a Buddhist country is a wonderful thing. Buddha, all the temples and Buddhas teachings of the four noble truths and the eight precepts are everywhere. They are even taught to the children in the public schools by the monks who are well versed on the dharma so the children can develop a sense of their own well-being. It’s awesome! I was a lucky recipient to get a tour of the Ministry of Education in Bangkok, Thailand.

A central principle of Buddhism is that we are not helpless victims of unchangeable emotions. In the words of Buddha himself, “We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world.” Buddhism is associated with happiness. According to Buddhist thinking, happiness and sorrow are our own responsibility – and completely within our control. “If we train our mind properly, happiness will be the result.” … It seems like quite the claim – that mental training can make you happy, no matter what happens to you.

The Buddha teaches that one of the most beneficial aspects to cultivating happiness is our mental noticing and awareness. Making the effort in observing the perceptions as they do appear. This direct insight into reality, obtained by the focusing our attention is called “vipassanā“. Vipassanā therefore means ‘to see clearly’ or rather ‘to see things as they are’. Vipassanā meditation is translated as ‘insight meditation’… insight into the true nature of things. This is the mental training that Buddhists believe will cultivate happiness. I have experienced it firsthand myself.

Western Psychology

In western philosophy, psychologists suggest challenging negative thoughts and replacing them with more optimistic and happy ones. Buddhist philosophy focuses more on detaching yourself from all thoughts to create a state of stillness conducive to ultimate self-understanding, or enlightenment… with the key method of achieving this being meditation. This usually involves fixing our attention on a body part, the breath, a mantra or an inspirational picture – to arrive at a state where we are not distracted by our thoughts.

“If we train our mind properly, happiness will be the result.” … It seems like quite the claim Buddha made – that mental mind training can make us happy, no matter what happens. This idea is also in line with some current thinking in western psychology. A simple philosophy – that changing the way we think can change the way we feel – it’s the basis of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), an approach in clinical psychology and counselling, as well as stress management programs. It was originally developed to help people recover from problems such as depression, anxiety disorders, anger and self-sabotaging behaviors.

A Questionable Therapeutic Model

I come from a country that does not teach meditation or philosophies that cultivate mental well-being and happiness. Like the monks do here in the schools in Thailand. It’s been something I’ve wondered about in my 24 years as a college teacher. I have adopted some of these philosophies into my teachings that hopefully allow my students to give themselves permission to make mistakes. To give them more freedom to become the people they are meant to become, and to follow their dreams and desires.

Having spent time living in Asia, I am learning the culture and people have a different therapeutic model that cultivates happiness than the one I have been exposed to in my country. With the Buddhist teachings and philosophies as a background, I am doing my best to try to understand. Because, when life tends to throw us challenges, which it regularly does, aren’t we all wanting to overcome those challenges and be happy?

What I am finding here is that showing and sharing your emotions could be seen as a sign of weakness. You may be perceived as someone who complains too much and doesn’t try to solve anything for yourself. This often comes from family environments in which silence is a sign of strength and feelings aren’t likely shared. There is also a belief among younger generations that their elders experienced far more challenging hardships. They do not want to impose on them because they might feel guilty sharing their mental health struggles knowing their relatives faced something “more” stressful just to survive.

In Asia, there can be tremendous pressure to be academically or professionally successful. There’s a sense that your value as a person depends on your ability to take care of your family and community. Mental illness can be seen as a block from a person’s ability to care for others and as taking away someone’s identity or purpose… another form of shame. There is some belief there is no such thing as mental illness. Only institutionalized insanity, brain injury and mental disability.

The Practice

“Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.”
— Buddha

Happiness can be seen as the ability to cultivate serenity and excitement about life regardless of outside forces. This perspective gives us permission to release the idea that happiness is a constant, with ongoing positivity or contingent upon outside people, events or circumstances.

Happiness fluctuates over time. Of course, we all want to wake up every day in the best happy mood possible. Happiness is an emotion, just like anger, fear and sadness. Happiness is a pleasurable feeling that comes in and out of our awareness over a course of time. Happiness does not describe the identity of who we are, it’s a state of being at any given moment. Happiness is defined by many different things… like where you are, what you are doing, who you are with, how your body feels, your mental state and what we value about our life.

Considering happiness is an emotional state and we cannot control our emotions, I strive to be satisfied and fulfilled with my life as it is. Accepting life’s situations as they are. Because I know the better I feel about myself and my life, the happier I will be. This has required me to establish a practice, just like the practice of Buddhas 5 precepts. The practice involves self-care practices, meditation, diet, exercise and mental training awareness.

Being Grateful… the more I can see the good things around me and in my life, the more of a positive outlook I will have about myself and the world. The world post COVID and the state of politics in the USA has challenged this practice for me.

Right thinking… it’s not about what I don’t like. It’s about shifting to the things that I love about myself and my life. Shifting thoughts and attitudes about the things I can change and letting go of the things I cannot.

Positive Relations… Everyone wants to be connected, accepted, protected, respected, and heard. We all need people in our lives to feel a sense of belonging hand have meaningful connections. The more I can cultivate relationships with likeminded people who I love, admire and enjoy and feel close to, the better I feel about myself and the world.

Find Meaning… There is an individual purpose that we each are given in our lives. Our core values and morals we develop over the course of our lives that help us make choices for ourselves. Buddhist philosophy and even the Dalai Lama talk about our propose in life is to be of service to others. This gets us out of individualistic selfish thinking and provides us self-worth and meaning in our lives.

Focusing on happiness as if it’s a personal goal for our personal identity is a misplaced presumption that tells us we are to be happy all the time. Experiencing happiness requires daily practice that brings greater fulfillment and satisfaction to the life we are living.

5 Jun 2023

Patriarchal Conflict & It’s Reconstruction

by Maurice | posted in: Family, Personal Growth, Psychology, Relationship, Spiritual, The Human Condition | 0

The Starting Point…

Patriarchal Conflict & It’s Reconstruction… Making my way to Asia once again I have chosen to look through different eyes. In previous trips to Thailand, I wanted to experience all the famous areas, temples, and the food. What most tourists might do. My last experience in Asia opened up my heart to the kindness and hospitality of the people and the culture. So much so, that upon my arrival back in the USA, to my own home and country, I no longer felt like it was home for me. Even unpacking my boxes and setting up my home on my return with all my material things no longer felt like they were mine anymore.

This time as I make my way to Asia for the summer, I hold a different intention. Too look at the places I visit through the eyes of a local. As someone who would live here because, that’s my plan for retirement. Engaging with the locals, supporting the local economy, and embracing the practices of the local culture and traditions. Thailand has embraced many traditions and cultures over its existence. A mix of Brahmanism and Buddhist religions, with a Muslim and western population and more. All respecting each other and living together well. A truly beautiful thing! Very different than what is portrayed on the media in my home country. Don’t worry… my rosy view is not limited, I’m aware there is discrimination and racism everywhere in the world.

Prostitution, Sex and The Patriarchy?

There is a patriarchal system in place in Thailand society. Did you know the king of Thailand has multiple wives? Many people do not agree with this practice of the king. I’m sure you also know about Thailand being the sex tourism capitol of the world. Even though prostitution is officially illegal in Thailand, there has been an economic reliance on prostitution since the Vietnam war, with much police corruption. Yet, obtaining sexual services for oneself without any aggravating circumstances (underage victim, trafficking, by fraud, deceit, threat, violence, or the exercise of undue influence or coercion) remains legal and is unpunished under Thai law.

There is a fuzzy perception of sexual morality in Thailand. Thai families and women want to protect their dignity and innocence while there are open-air bordellos inviting men to indulge themselves. How do women righteously protect their virginity until married, while men fulfill their masculine sex drive and promiscuous biological obligations? There is a stigma attached to promiscuity and it is our virility that is a driving force for engaging in prostitution. Taboos require education and treatment. Can you feel some of the dichotomy like I do?

What are some of the reasons people decide to sell or buy sex? I think that’s the million-dollar question. Men are looking for companionship and physical intimacy. Severe poverty coupled with the absence of social welfare is certainly a direct stimulator of the sex industry. Impoverished women are choosing sex work over low paying professions. Some families force women into prostitution so they could send money back home to improve the family’s financial situation. These reasons are only scratching the surface, I’m sure there are many more motives than this.

It’s a well-known and a general statement to make, that males are known to have more of a sex drive and interest in sex greater than most females. Some of the complaint’s men have, is that their partner doesn’t want sex like they used to. And vice versa, women complain about men wanting sex too much. There are cultures in the world where keeping a mistress is common. Mistress-keeping was traditional in Japan because virtually all marriages were arranged, love was not involved, and a nation-wide legal prostitution system catered to men (over and above the thousands of geishas). Times have changed, but mistress-keeping is still common.

There is even a hush story in my own family. I’m not even clear about it and unsure about the truth of the story. That my grandfather came back home to the USA with a purple heart medal after being injured in World War II with his French nurse as a mistress. The shame of it in the family has kept this story silent. Nobody has even talked about it in my family.

Is shame the crux of it all? Is it patriarchal control? The desire to crawl out of economic poverty? Is it shame based, for the ladies and their families who choose to work in the sex worker industry for economic gain? Is it shame for men having a higher sex drive and not sure what to do with that drive in their relationships, so they take it to prostitution? Meanwhile, governmental laws are repealed, amended, and reformed almost all over the globe on a yearly basis, and are consistently a basis for sincere moral ambivalence, religious rhetoric, and interminable controversy.

I don’t claim to have the answers, only pondering the issues here.

Patriarchal Family Values… or not

When I was in Asia last, I remembered the family values that were so hospitable and warmed my heart. I was welcomed into peoples’ homes and treated so well. Almost as if they were my own family. I was treated like family. Sometimes it felt more like my family than my family of origin felt like. Sure, there was an economic exchange for room and board but, I wasn’t continually asked for economic reciprocity while acts of service were provided to me. I wanted to participate in the reciprocity of giving and receiving without insulting anyone by doing it. I’m still learning about this as there are plenty of people willing to empty your bank account without any remorse.

In some of these family values lies shadows of the patriarchal system. For instance, should a couple (or the man) decide they do not want to be married anymore, there is no official legal obligation or government enforcement for the man to provide economic support for the children. I found that is a similar practice in Colombia and other South American countries. Many women find themselves moving back into their parents’ home, or sending their children to live there so they can work to provide economic support.

Very different than the perspective from within the USA. Where a woman can decide not to be married, get a divorce, and the courts will give her half of what all the man owns. Including the house to care for the children and monthly child support payments. I have also seen the opposite in my own family, where the woman was the main financial support and the man received alimony payments in addition to half of marital assets.

I’m trying not to take any sides or opinions about this at this moment. Only to hold the many points of view and the passions, pain and suffering surrounding them.

The Intelligence of Reconstruction

I realize the patriarchy has included the suppression of women and the imbalance of power in our world. I want to treat this topic as gentle as possible to allow for changes within myself and in the outside world that are needed to bring us into more relational, political, familial, and sexual balance. I understand there needs to be a shift in the way men have operated in the past and a stepping up by women to be more leaders. The past is the past, and we cannot live in the past, we can only look forward, learning from it, and create a better world for everyone.

I look at my own life and how I have benefitted from a patriarchal society. Grateful for what I have received. Sad for the suffering of others who have not gained as I have. I look at how I may change myself and be of service to make more of a difference in today’s world.

I am holding onto an ideal, as pie in the sky as it might be… that there is a way out from suppression, discrimination, and sexism. I believe these kinds of conflict is intrinsic to our human existence and will continue to be with us. When we are faced with these kinds of conflict, we are given a chance to practice transforming those issues into patience, mutual understanding, and creativity. In this way, we contribute to a shared endeavor of learning how to live peacefully with each other. This is one of the greatest challenges in our human existence on the planet, and our individual efforts makes a difference in the collective evolution.

This transformation requires us to let go of any judgement or belief that something is wrong or bad. We need to be able to shift our point of view to see these conflicts possess a certain wisdom that expresses a position we may not want to see or cannot see. Sometimes old patterns need to be abandoned for a relationship to change or grow. It’s possible to learn to see this wisdom at work in our conflicts so we can respond creatively and constructively. We then realize, it isn’t the conflict that is the problem, it’s our response to it.

What will you choose to do?

Love wants to reach out and manhandle us,
Break all of our teacup talk of God.

Hafiz

27 May 2023

The Exchange – Reciprocity

by Maurice | posted in: Nature, Psychology, Spirituality, The Human Condition | 0

I have been curiously fascinated by the intricate dances we do as humans in the many relationships we maintain with each other and the planet. We can embrace the foundation of personal, economic, and relational abundance in our practice of reciprocity towards each other and the earth. Participating in each other’s evolution and prosperity. Reciprocity is how all things and people naturally want to relate. We all seek reciprocity in our relationships, with each other, in our work, with the planet. Creating a balance.

Relationship Reciprocity

I have learned a lot after much travel throughout the world, learning about the different cultures and how they do love relationships. The reference point I have is from America and western society. What I see people are looking for in the west is chemistry. Feelings of excitement that come along with butterflies in the belly and a desire to always be together. This chemistry comes first before anything else. They call this a love relationship, a relationship by choice and not by arrangement.

From that initial chemistry in a love relationship, we learn how to be equally supportive of one another and provide each other with the same level of trust, care, and affection. We learn what each other needs are in emotional connection, money, and sexuality when that initial chemistry is at play. Then we learn how to love each other once that initial charge of chemistry wears off and we begin to realize our own projections of each other. The relational exchange of reciprocity begins from the initial charge of chemistry between the two people.

After being exposed to arranged marriages in the Hindu and Muslim countries, the lens I have looked through changed. In this model, how I see it, there most likely is not that electrical charge of chemistry. Two families come together and present the children to each other as potential life mates in marriage relationship. The two then learn how to navigate life together first and learn how to deal with life’s challenges and love each other. The families want to do their best to make sure the mates for their children are suitable for life partnership, supported by their parents in ways that make navigating a life partnership effective and compassionate.

Having spent some time in S.E. Asia I am learning more and more about how people here sometimes navigate relationships. The diverse economic realities lend itself to different choices to be made based purely on economics. It’s almost like a business deal. Many men come from the west to live here and find a suitable mate/wife. There is most likely a language and cultural barrier. The western male typically brings the economic stability, and the locals bring their care and love. The emotional connection may or may not come into play or even exist. The reciprocating exchange is economic stability for care and love.

Capitalism – A Moral Reciprocity

The main capitalist ideal is for business to maximize profits. It takes little or nothing into consideration any moral or ethical responsibilities or obligations towards workers, customers, or the planet. Shouldn’t business have a responsibility to those who are dependent on them for security instead of the bottom line of making money? Don’t we have reciprocal obligations to treat one another as a human family instead of some materialistic and economic social contract?

If there would be some sort of moral compass to guide capitalism and its growth, what might be some guiding principles that could benefit everyone?

The philosopher and economist Adam Smith’s principle of the invisible hand describes a possible moral guide for capitalism. Smith describes people pursuing their own self-interest in free markets are led—as if by an invisible hand—to make everyone in society as well off as possible. People usually support capitalism because it is alleged to deliver higher living standards and more economic freedom than alternative economic systems.

There is an assumption that human needs can be satisfied through economic prosperity. I think we got that all backwards. It’s most of the people who create the material goods and economic growth, not one individual. The individual’s self-interest does not promote the common good, reciprocity does. Cooperation creates prosperity for our lives to survive.

Capitalism needs a way to be controlled to distribute economic wealth amongst the population. There have been several countries who have been moderately successful establishing some socialism to care for the people through health care and education than the oligarchy in the

USA. Political parties differ in terms of the degree of government intervention deemed necessary to redistribute the economic pie.

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