Breathing Life
Over the course of my family’s life they have created and collected art. When you live in a large home there is lots of wall space to cover. My mother took the majority of the expensive and large artwork when she divorced him and left my father with his personal and family’s art and lots of empty spaces on the walls which never got repainted or filled up. It’s kind of sad for me to see that my father never reclaimed his space after my mother left.
What is going to happen with all this “stuff”? Some would call it family heirloom pieces. Some would call it art. Some would call it junk. Just a matter of perspective I guess.
It’s been a year and a half since my father has lived in his own home. I was working in his workshop and realized that he will never be using any of these tools again. He does not have the capacity. Nor does he have the capacity to follow a line of direction, whether it be his own or anyone else’s.
What’s going to happen to all this stuff? Maybe my brother will want it? It’s an awkward time with my father still being alive and not living in his home. Yet, in my conversation with him he seemed to understand that he was able to take advantage of his home and his stuff over the course of his life. He just wasn’t sure how to move forward from there.
I told him I thought it was time to breathe new life into some of these pieces of art while he is still alive. Meaning, to give things away so others who want them can enjoy them and pass on the stories, keeping the family alive. And that he gets to experience their gratitude from his generosity. He was in support of all that. He even knew what it was I was trying to do… having faith and hope to mend relationships in the family. I was amazed. That was enough for me to move forward.
My Father
It was time for me to leave my fathers home after about 8 days. His home was a source of many social events and is now vacant. Where the silence can be deafening. The visits with my father are also full of silence. Having gotten comfortable with those awkward periods of silence in social settings, I sit and wait for what might fill the space. Even though my father’s dementia has him struggling to put thoughts into words, there are times where his words are perfectly coherent. And other times he just sits glaring into space.
If I were in my father’s position, I would want everyone around to engage me in all conversations no matter what my responses may be. So that is what I do with my father even though sometimes the dementia needs to be redirected for the sake of his well-being because he is anxious and confused. I plan my time with my father in the early mornings where he has the best chance of being as mentally sharp as possible. Then I talk to him about why he is living where he is when he continually asks everyone when he is getting out of there. I wonder if he was in his own home if he would be doing the same thing?
Flagstaff Family
This was one of those stops that HAD TO HAPPEN. When there are people in my life who feel like kindred spirits or who I can just relate too easily and on deep level I have a tendency to gravitate towards them. This was one of those stops. Four days went by like nothing. Where life is simple, peace of mind is high on the list and nurturing the relationship becomes the priority.
The details of this visit seem insignificant compared to the love I experience being with my cousins Debbie and George. Even in the middle of a heatwave in Arizona where temperatures reached 114F. We decided to take a hike behind the house in the middle of the day. A little challenging in those temperatures. Especially for someone who cannot tolerate the heat. Yet, everyone was able to come back to a loving space once core body temperatures returned to somewhat normal.
After a fabulous visit, leaving town to Phoenix, I was wondering what it might be like to live with my cousins Debbie and George. Maybe my time of living alone is coming to a close? A bit of time in solitude might reveal some things. I miss them already. Maybe that’s way I forgot something there and had to return to pickup before heading north.
Phoenix… or is it Phoenix?
What was supposed to be a two-hour drive, took seven. 17 was closed due to an accident and that is the only route north and south for 70 miles without taking a major detour. An expression I learned in India, “What To Do?”. The drive through Prescott, AZ was stunning!
Phoenix brings 112F temperatures in July and who wants to be outside in the sizzling sun like that? Therefore, I had to be clear with myself and what I wanted to be doing. I had two things I wanted to do that drove me to Phoenix. One was to be with some friends of the family in their environment and not in my fathers’ home with all those distractions. Another was to meet a new friend and two new cousins who I was excited to spend time with. And then off to high country for that time in solitude.
Had an unexpected visit with four of my mothers first cousins. The story I created in my head prior to this visit was nothing like it turned out. In fact, I completely forgot what beautiful, kind and funny people they really are. I had a wonderful time with my cousins. It encouraged me to reach out to their children (my second cousins) in Chicago to see about getting together. I began wondering why my family didn’t hang out with these families when I was growing up.
Glen Canyon to Grand Canyon
From Phoenix, with a
stop in Flagstaff to provision for days in the wilderness, I experience for the first time in AZ, monsoon rains and flash flooding. Whooohooo! AZ needs the rain that’s for sure. I collect my things from my cousins, have lunch, stop at REI for maps, then for food and off I go to Glen Canyon.
I had a chat with my friend Doug about Glen Canyon. One thing he said to me was, “they have a marina”. Yes, of course they do. There are a series of dams that make up these man-made lakes around here and are used for “recreational” purposes. Except, I am currently looking for authentic nature and being away from people and crowds. I made a last-minute decision and went the other direction.
National Geographic has great topographic maps of national parks that spell out the “unimproved” roads. Unpaved, gravel, washboard roads that are prone to flash floods and 4×4 vehicles are recommended. Well, Um, this vehicle of mine is not 4×4 nor is it anything close to high clearance. I’ll come back to this in a minute.
In my last minute re-routing I thought I would go to Bryce Canyon, UT. It turned out to be more of a drive than I wanted it to be because I don’t like to drive at night in the mountains on two lane twisty curvy roads. Let me remind you that it’s still raining. I decide to stop at a campground that just so happens to be 30 or so miles from the rim at the north side of the Grand Canyon.
I was greeted by Shelly, one of the most friendly people I’ve met who offered me some information about “boondocking” in the Kaibab Forest, national forest rules in AZ and UT and what these “unimproved” roads might be like for someone in a front wheel drive van like me. Anything is possible.
So, I guess I am not going to Bryce just yet. HA!
Here I am sitting in a tiny, 60sqft van in the pouring rain at a campsite. The sun just went down. Where the fuck am I going now? I‘m meeting people at Capitol Reef National Park on the 22nd. Today is the 14th. I’ve got 8 days. I’ve wanted to create some intentional solitude and I’ve been to the Grand Canyon many times. I’m 25 miles from the north rim of the Grand Canyon. I have to do it!
The roads aren’t that bad either. Gravel roads that are a little washboard at times. I’m going for it. For the most part things were just fine. There were a few spots where it got a little hairy. Places where the road narrows where I wouldn’t be able to turn around. Places that had gotten washed out a bit due to all the rain the day before. It was a bit nerve wracking sliding around. There were a few moments I thought of turning around I got so scared. I couldn’t turn around until the roads dried up a bit. Now I’m a bit concerned that I’m somewhere with this van that I’m not supposed to be. I am going to wait a few days for it to dry up. I did make it to the rim of the Grand Canyon after all! Wholly Fuck, That View! I hear that from the few bicyclists that drive by the campsite.
Yes, I made it out after 5 days of no rain. It was time to leave the rim of the grand canyon. Now to Bryce, Zion and Capitol Reef!
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