I have written a couple of pieces about how I was living a split and divided life. This division within me started as a child inside a framework of generational expectations which I was unable to fulfill. Moved to societal expectations that liked to dictate gender roles. Into sexual norms that I was unable to fit into. Finally, into my career in academia where I grew out of what would be considered teaching norms.
My first exposure to this concept of “divided no more” was from Parker Palmer who wrote, “An Undivided Life: Seeking Wholeness in Ourselves, Our Work & Our World”. This is a great video where Parker talks about how as human beings we are born whole, integral, with no distinction between what’s going on inside of us and what’s going on outside
I was able to maintain these split identities. With varying degrees of success. Not really being a people pleaser in my life but, as a way of keeping the peace. For myself and for others.
25 Years In Academia
There was a point in my teaching career where I began to see the division between student/teacher more of a hindrance. The power struggle and hierarchy that separated the student teacher relationship because of the grading / performance evaluations that teachers needed to do to determine competency. I had very few experiences as a student where my teacher was genuinely interested in sharing of themselves in support of their students growth. Instead, the teacher stood in front of the class, keeper of the knowledge. Ready to impart the information when the time was appropriate.
With student centered learning and competency-based education taking forefront, I knew it was my time to make the changes I wanted to. A-F grading scale became less important for me as a performance indicator. It wasn’t the best show of cooking technique that should get the highest grade. It was the preparation, focus and recovery from mistakes that dictate our performance and which deserved my grade of “A”.
Anyone can learn to do anything they want on youtube. With the right determination and discipline, anything is possible. Teachers no longer hold the power and the information for students to learn. I began to give the power to learn cooking back to the students. Telling them the only thing that separates me from them is years of experience. I became a guide and mentor more than someone who felt responsible for my students perceived success.
The academic system continues to hold teachers responsible for the success of their students. Which I did not agree with at all. Everyone learns at their own pace and some need more practice than others. I invited all my students to show up early and stay after class so they can get the practice they wanted. I encouraged my students to know for themselves how well they were doing in the class. That cooking and learning any trade took lots of practice. They needed to do their own self-evaluation as I guided them to know when they were being too hard on themselves or thinking they are performing better than they actually are.
There were students who continued to think I was responsible for how well they performed sautéing a piece of chicken. When students didn’t perform well they blamed me, the recipe, the equipment, everything but looking at themselves. This was the big shift in my teaching. To remove much of the grsupport my students as a guide and mentor. Handing over the responsibility for their own discipline towards mastery back to them.
The Family
Jewish boys are supposed to become doctors or lawyers. Was the thing that was told to me as a child. That was something I heard many times from my grandmother. But I loved cooking and wanted to be a chef. Jewish boys do not work in the kitchen and become a chef. I was told I would never amount to anything for myself if this was the career path I would choose. The reality was that I was supported to study the subjects I wanted in higher education. Because it was the education that was important and not necessarily the career path that was chosen.
I realized this particular family dynamic around money and career was highly active in my family. I am not aware of much of the dynamic on my father’s side of the family because there wasn’t much interaction with them. However, when my father got wind that I was being guilted into other forms of thinking or behaving, it was some of the only times in my life I saw him get angry.
My father encouraged me to follow my dream regardless of the obstacles that were placed in front of me. He was one of those quintessential starving artist types. Sometimes struggling to make a living and quitting jobs on a whim when they just weren’t a good fit for him.
Gender Roles
I was born a male. I identify as a male. I mostly enjoy being a male too. But I do get tired of the stereotypes of what a “good man” is supposed to be. As men, we are supposed to have ambition, a drive for success, a good work ethic and develop mastery in our fields of choice. Be self-reliant. Have physical strength and mental toughness. Exhibit emotional control. And be a good provider to the family.
Traditional masculinity taught me to be stoic and emotionally detached. A more modern perspective encourages men to be more in touch with their emotions. Openly expressive to foster deeper connections. There is also a growing expectation for men to be emotionally present and responsive to their partners, not just sexually engaged. This new way of being for men also asks women to develop different relational skills to be in relationship with men.
It was tiring of being stereotyped into playing the gender role I was born into. Being a man today isn’t about dominance and resilience. It’s about a balanced expression of power, care, wisdom and depth. A man isn’t just about fighting battles but knowing when to stand firm and knowing when to embrace vulnerability. It’s not about power “over”, but power “with”.
The gender roles continue to be shifting. Within professional business realms, intimate relationships and in sexuality. Women have become more autonomous which has shifted relational expectations. The rise of unrestricted gender roles in relationships means expectations are more collaborative rather than transactional. Although there are still cultures in the world where traditional gender roles are still the cultural norm.
Masculine Sexuality
Culture, society and religion have shaped the norms for masculine sexuality. The role of male sexuality in heterosexual relationships has shifted significantly due to the changes from social, cultural and psychological influences. It wasn’t long after I hit puberty that I realized I did not fit into what the culture was emphasizing about male sexuality.
As a young man I found a lot of my self-worth and identity in my sexual prowess and virility. In modern consumerist society where advertising and marketing are in our faces, men are prone to unrealistic body image and self-perception standards set by the media and online pornography. This encourages me to be more open to discussions around performance anxiety, erectile dysfunction, and body image. This is no different than what is happening for the female gender around similar issues.
The #MeToo movement is reshaping how men navigate sexual interactions based on whole-hearted consent. There is a stronger focus on ongoing, consensual sex and mutual pleasure. I continue to learn to practice communicating my needs and listening to my partners’ needs in ways that were never talked about in the family or taught in schools.
The use of technology and the internet has drastically changed dating and sexual dynamics. It has made casual sex and hookups more accessible and shifting commitment philosophies. Monogamous relationships are no longer the only relationship style to choose from. Internet pornography never says “no” and can lead to unrealistic standards and values. Let’s be real… how many women like to have a man ejaculate on their face?
“Erotophobia” & Our Hidden Sexuality
My sexuality has been one of the biggest parts I compartmentalized due to my own fears and the many public facing roles I had for a quarter century. I have a long history of being a public figure as a culinary arts teacher and administrator at a government run college. I needed to project a certain image of my own sexuality in the public eye. While at the same time I was living a very different reality in my private life.
As I was navigating the changes to my own relationship to my sexuality. I felt I needed to present a “respectable” sexual identity – heterosexual, monogamous, and family-oriented. I was afraid if I strayed from this image, I would lose my government teaching job. Even if I was doing nothing unethical. I truly believed I needed to exhibit a certain public morality and struggled with the fear of my private desires and activities being exposed. For many years I lived a divided and split identity.
This did not stop me from exploring my own sexuality and having my own adventures. In the back of my mind, I was always concerned about running into a student or colleague during my pursuits. If I was exposed, would someone publicly condemn me for certain behaviors of mine while I was engaging in them privately?
For about 15 years I was able to keep a split identity. Maurice, with a public profile as a culinary arts teacher (still up on the website as I publish this). At the same time keeping a separate identity as Isaiah, (will be a broken link soon) a sex worker and educator. Now that I am retired from my job, I no longer have to worry about it. This is the last of my “divided no more” lifestyle. As I write this I am no longer doing this edgy work and it no longer holds a charge inside myself. Maybe because I am just another middle aged guy going through his own mid-life process?
Diversity is Unity – Unity is Diversity
How / why did humans make up the division and distinction between nature and humanity, between god and “man”? Many philosophical and religious traditions have supported certain dualistic views. Asserting that reality is fundamentally divided into two distinct and irreducible categories, such as God vs. Creation, Mind vs. Body, Good vs. Evil, among others. At the same time there many other philosophical teachings that support a non-dual way of existence. Revolving around the idea the supposed separation between self and reality, subject and object, is an illusion created by the mind, and therefore, there exists only one undivided reality. Whether non-duality or dualism is “true” depends on how each of us define truth and how we want to experience reality. That is the big unanswerable question.
Non-duality excludes nothing; it contains both unity and diversity, one and many, identity and separation, god and man. Dualism makes the separation between individualism and collectivism, the body and mind, and man from nature. Dualism seems to exhibit to be true in our everyday experience as we see ourselves as separate from others and good and evil seem distinctly different. Many believe duality is just an illusion of the mind, and when you inquire deeply, you realize there is only one reality and we are all deeply connected.
Japanese Buddhism expresses the concept of diversity / unity in the formula Byōdō (平等) Soku (即) Shabetsu (差別), and its reverse opposite of, Shabetsu Soku Byōdō—unity in (is) diversity and diversity in (is) unity. This reflects the idea that oneness does not deny multiplicity, and multiplicity does not deny oneness. This aligns with concepts like: Form is emptiness, emptiness is form, (from the Heart Sutra), and the idea of dependent origination, where all things arise in relation to each other.
This concept beautifully expresses the paradoxical (divisional) relationship between unity and diversity. Byōdō (平等) means “equality”—the idea that all beings are fundamentally the same, often in the sense of Buddhist teachings on emptiness and universal Buddha-nature. Shabetsu (差別) means “distinction”—the recognition that individuals have unique characteristics, roles, and differences. Soku (即) means “is” or “precisely”—indicating that equality and distinction are not separate but interdependent.
This phrase represents and suggests that true unity does not erase or create a division between our individual differences. Rather, real harmony comes from acknowledging both our sameness and our uniqueness simultaneously. It resonates with collectivism in that individuals exist within the whole, yet it also respects individuality. For this reason, philosophically, morally, and spiritually, Buddhism is called the Middle Way. It’s not about the division between dual or non-dual. It’s become the union between them both.
Find and embrace the unity in our diversity… and honor and respect the diversity in our equality.
Life is one, said the Buddha, and the Middle Way to the end of suffering in all its forms is that which leads to the end of the illusion of separation, which enables man to see, as a fact, as clear as sunlight, that all mankind, and all other forms in manifestation are one unit, the infinitely variable appearances of an indivisible Whole.
– Christmas Humphreys
