I have had the beginnings of this writing in my draft folder for a long time and it’s about time I got to it. There are writings all over the internet about giving and receiving that say all kinds of different things. Are you giving too much and not looking after yourself? Are you giving too much and receiving to little? Giving and receiving ARE the same! The secret to happiness is in giving to others. Avoid giving unsolicited advice. Give and you will receive. Are you confused yet? I certainly am.
One thing that I do not want to miss is the importance of service work, community service or being of service to humankind. This is a kind of giving that reaps its own rewards and cannot be overlooked. It is not about receiving or getting anything back when doing service work. This is about giving back to the world for the blessing of being able to be part of the world. It’s that simple.
An aspect of giving-receiving is where some of us have learned to be a giver out of self-preservation. Some people grew up in families where we learned that by giving of ourselves we avoided conflict and were able to try to keep the peace in our home. We were recognized for what we did than for who we truly are. As we keep giving and giving and giving we lose track of our own self-care which can lead to co-dependent behavior in our relationships.
Is it really more selfish to receive rather than to give? Some religions have taught us that. And that life is more about suffering than being happy. Isn’t that judgment an historic, worn out, religious dogmatic teaching? From the Bible, Acts 20:35 (King James Version): “I have shewed you all things, how that so labouring ye ought to support the weak, and to remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he said, It is more blessed to give than to receive.” By believing in this way of being we make ourselves feel competent, strong and that we should never make mistakes.
It’s much easier to hide ourselves behind giving. We give and give and give and never give others to give to us or allow ourselves even a chance to receive. We don’t want to feel indebted to someone or pressured to reciprocate. Even a simple compliment can be hard to receive. Just learning to say “thank you” helps experience the natural sense of gratitude that comes along with receiving a gift or compliment.
We like to think that by giving we are having a positive effect on our “karma”. But I think we get karma confused with the giving and receiving concept. Karma literally means “action” or “doing”. Karma, one of the fundamental concepts of Buddhism, is what affects the cycle of rebirth. This is about actions that determine “cause” and “effect” and have nothing to do with giving and receiving.
There are times when we are forced to receive. When someone criticizes our work, we have some choices in how to receive that information. Are you more likely to get defensive and take things personally instead of keeping an open mind and heart to see someone else’s point of view? What about when we make an error or mistake where we need a correction, how gracefully are we able to receive that correction? It’s the difference of being humble or feeling humiliated. The feeling of gratitude for the opportunity to make things right or the feelings of incompetence.
Receiving means to be receptive. Opening ourselves up to receive. When we go to a seminar, workshop or even to school we are saying that we want to be open to receive new information. And yet, we can show resistance to receiving knowledge from our teachers, our fellow colleagues and students. We have lost sight of what strength really is. Strength is cultivated during our practice of receiving new outside information. Let’s not let our ego get in the way of receiving that information because we have attached part of our self-identity to our “knowing” instead of being humble in our unknowing. How can we grow in our wisdom and knowledge when we have such resistance in receiving new information?
What about giving and receiving in relationships? Yes, absolutely, relationships are a series of give/take compromises, one after another. I have already demonstrated in this writing that it’s much easier to be a giver. We can have such expectations on each other in relationships. How we want to receive love. How we give love. There is such conflict that happens in our relationships because we haven’t figured out how to receive each other with kindness and compassion.
Receiving creates intimacy and connection in our relationships. Prioritizing giving may create distancing and separation. If we don’t allow ourselves to receive a simple gift or compliment we are depriving ourselves of a moment of connection with someone else.
Which one would be more important to really learn how to do well? Giving or receiving? If you really had to choose between giving and receiving, which one would you choose? Yes, completely a trick question.
I’d like to leave you with these last bold statements to answer those above few questions as to why receiving is more important than to give.
- To receive what someone has to give at any given time is the greatest gift you could possibly give.
- Practice dropping our judgments and expectations so we can receive what life has to offer us at any given moment. This practice will bring us the greatest peace in our lives.
- Learn how receiving someone’s criticism, anger or frustration, without shame or blame, so no matter what someone has to say to you, it will never destroy your inner peace or leave you ungrounded and break your peacefulness.
- Develop a practice in the art of listening so you can receive and hear what someone has to say instead of listening to respond.
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