I have spent the good part of my adult life discovering empowering ways to take off the masks and armor of protection mechanisms. All I wanted was be accepted, be enough, set healthy boundaries and open myself to be vulnerable by owning and talking about my story. It turned out to be an ongoing wrestling match struggling to be honest with myself, open to others, perfectionism, fighting the internal critical gremlins, the discomfort and self-doubt.
I’ve experienced varying degrees of successes in my life, made my share of mistakes, confronting the numbing behaviors, dealing with rejection and shame. All of this, while I learned what it means to be a man in this culture of America so I can be the most genuine and best version of myself as possible.
I’ve been inspired to write about masculine shame (shame of masculinity) after reading Brené Brown’s latest books, Atlas of the Heart and Daring Greatly. I haven’t been drawn to her work as she was mostly focused on women, but in the last several years she has incorporated men into her research. Her research identified attributes of defining masculinity in America as, “… winning, emotional control, risk-taking, violence, dominance, playboy, self-reliance, primacy at work, power over women, disdain for homosexuality, and pursuit of status.” Reading those attributes, it’s not the kind of man I would want to spend my time with.
The Shame of Being a Man
Man Up – Don’t Be a Pussy – Can’t Be Wrong – You Are Broken
Don’t Show Fear – Do Not Be Perceived as Weak – Toxic Masculinity
When men are perceived as weak, are criticized, and ridiculed, it becomes some of the most shaming experiences we can have. The expectation is to be highly competitive, to come out on top, not be angry (let alone show it), stay passionate in the face of others’ criticism, not be girly or feminine… a constantly fighting. The alternative to all that is to just give up, not care about anything, numb out our feelings, and pretend to be the strong man we are expected to be. The options are being either pissed off or shut down.
We live at a time of great perceived scarcity, not having enough, cannot be worthy enough, and a feeling of never being safe. A time of great uncertainty. The focus becomes on something horrible happening, losing a job, a war or terrorist attack, a natural disaster, a mass gun shooting, a virus outbreak or pandemic. We are left thinking of the worst, because that way anything else will be positive and a good day!
Sometimes it seems like others would like to see me die being on top of my perceived game rather than profess my struggles, emotions, sufferings, and vulnerability. My experience has been that people don’t know how to deal with my feelings and hold me in my most vulnerable emotional expressions. I then get seen as being weak, critical and the cause of problems. All reason enough to be discarded and rejected. The fear of emotions and their expression continues to be active in me.
Numbing and Masking Our Pain
Americans have become more in debt, over-eating, medicated, and addicted more than ever. Prescription drug overdoses have become one of the leading causes of death, says the Center for Disease Control (CDC). The drug dealers are not found on the street anymore selling heroin. They are our friends, relatives, and our friendly primary care physician. According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, men are more likely than women to use almost all types of illicit drugs and illicit drug use is more likely to result in emergency department visits or overdose deaths for men than for women.
I have experienced a desire to feel less suffering, more of feeling good in my life. I think we all have. We live at a time where addiction is all around us in many shapes and sizes. There are many options to choose from; sugar, nicotine, alcohol only to name a few. Numbing and addictive patterns have emerged out of those desires to feel less suffering and more joyful pleasure. A quick and numbing fix has been to grab a box of Oreos, smoke marijuana, drink beer, or sex. They do a fabulous job of making something go away and get a quick hit of pleasure.
The problem is that it that the pleasure is only temporary. It’s not savoring the creamy sweet goodness of a chocolate bonbon. Its shoving the entire chocolate bar in our mouth lickety split.
Anxiety & Disconnection
My experience of anxiety has been driven by uncertainty, competitiveness to be the best, have the most and social anxiety of wanting to fit in. I’ve been fearful of revealing the diverse and alternative interests in my life. While at the same time keeping up a front of normalcy and keeping a career considered to be mainstream acceptable. Feeling like I’m being pulled in very different directions while society values normalcy has created great uncertainty and anxiety.
I think Parker Palmer explains a reasoning for this anxiety and disconnection in “A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life”. Palmer says, “Afraid that our inner light will be extinguished or our inner darkness exposed, we hide our true identities from each other. In the process, we become separated from our own souls. We end up living divided lives, so far removed from the truth we hold within that we cannot know the “integrity that comes from being what you are.”
Even though I have over a thousand friends on social media, a slew of colleagues at the college I’ve been working at for almost twenty-five years, some wonderful real-life friends. I experience times where I feel alone and unseen. I have also experienced periods of my life with great connections and relationships. I realize relationships and life comes with times of feeling disconnected. In combination with feelings of shame of being cast aside and not worthy of connection, it creates a suffering that the psyche wants to numb.
Further along the path from disconnection, leads to isolation. It’s not only about the act of physical isolation from others. The demise is the hopelessness experienced when we become locked out from the possibility of human connection and feel powerless to do anything to change our situation. The propensity from here is to mask all these painful emotions of feeling separate with chemicals and behaviors that create the illusions of fitting in, connection and managing anxiety.
The Ultimate Shame: Rejection
My mother “wore the pants in the family”, was the primary bread winner and ran the household. Over time, she became angry and resentful towards my father’s lack of drive and masculinity. My father has a way of avoidance, being passive, and in turn, enabled my mother’s bad behavior because of a lack of boundaries. I didn’t have good modeling of what a healthy love relationship was supposed to look like when I became a young adult.
What I learned is that typically men are the initiators in the relationships. Men are the ones responsible to initiate sex, propose marriage, and deal with their fair share of rejection. One main icons of masculine shame. Initiating sex can be terrifying for men when she isn’t in the mood, or he wants some adventurous alternative sexual expression. Sexual rejection over time has taken away our sense or power and control. The use of pornography has become a numbing behavior and activity because for little money and little time men believe they are getting what they are needing and never have to risk rejection.
Cultivating intimacy, being vulnerable with our feelings is practically impossible when the shame trigger of rejection is activated. Of course, there are normally other issues in our relationships like body image, aging, money, parenting, exhaustion, resentment, and fear. How are we supposed to practice dedication to ourselves, each other, and the relationship around such sensitive topics? We must be able to talk about our feelings and what we need and desire. Listening to the other with an open heart and mind, unfettered by defensiveness, and not taking things personally. There is no intimacy without vulnerability.
Being vulnerable and expressing our feelings is a courageous act. Honoring the others vulnerability by setting up a scared space to be able to listen has been a helpful strategy. I think expressing our vulnerability and being a skilled listener is one of the hardest practices to do within a love relationship. Also, one that has great benefits
Busyness: Boundaries & Self Care
I was not educated in my family about emotions, their healthy expression and acceptance to feel the way I do. I witnessed all kinds of numbing behaviors instead of looking at, owning of, and leaning into the uneasiness of our painful emotions. Being mindful and setting boundaries in life were not something to be considered in my family life as a child.
My family was stuck in a scarcity model and embraced the numbing pattern of busyness. Everyone stayed so busy with work, school, and life there wasn’t the time left for personal connections. Life went from one obligation to another with no time left to practice how to deal with painful feelings and emotions in a healthy way. We became a culture of people who think that if they stay busy enough, we don’t have to deal with the truths in our lives. In my case, those truths only came out unconsciously sideways and were very hurtful.
What I realized at a young age was that there was no way I wanted to be that busy and devoted to my work. There was too much life to experience. Relationships were more important to me than the model of saying fuck you and walking away like I saw happen in my family. I had no idea how to get where I wanted to go. I had no idea what a healthy relationship or partnership or love relationship was supposed to look like.
At a young age, I did know that setting boundaries of what acceptable and appropriate behaviors were an example of self-care and healthy. Not just walking away from relationships without some sort of effort. I did know that being busy was living in a scarcity model, a numbing behavior and I had a hunch that perfectionism was unattainable and a form of shame. I didn’t learn that part of perfectionism until later in life.
The Solution
There is much work to be done, both men/women individually and as an American culture. The ego driven separation we may experience is a direct result of the competitive nature in our capitalist – consumerist culture. The valuing of material things, power-over, hierarchal status, money, and the need to be right… all overshadows the fundamentally deep spiritual belief that we are unexplainably connected to one another by forces greater than ourselves. Spiritual forces grounded in empathy, compassion, and love.
Wishes, Prayers & Hopes…
- Everyone can see how worthy we are in deserving of love, understanding and compassion from each other.
- We can develop the listening skills needed to hold each other in our true and vulnerable expression
- To overcome our numbing and addictive patterns
- Feeding our spirits and acknowledging that we are all sacred beings all wanting the same things
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