I’m not really sure about this piece of writing and putting it on my blog. There are people in my family who think this is a private family matter and information should never leave the mouths of family members to the ears of anyone outside the family like this. I certainly do not agree with that and I am also unsure about how public I want my life to be on the internet. I think some of my family, like my cousin Steve and Debbie appreciates learning about this. I started a caring bridge website for my father and was told to take it down. Is this an issue of loyalty to the family? Is being proactive such a bad thing? By putting information out on the internet like this am I betraying some people in my family who think I should not be doing that?
| Oh Daddy – Fleetwood Mac
If I could make you see If there’s been a fool around It’s got to be me Yes, it’s got to me Why are you right when I’m so wrong I’m so weak but you’re so strong Everything you do is just alright And I can’t walk away from you
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It’s been two months since I’ve returned from Asia and its been two years since I’ve seen my father in Colorado. My father just had outpatient surgery that left him in the hospital for two weeks following some complications and is now in a rehab facility to regain his strength with the intention of coming home. I decided that it was time for me to come to Colorado again. Not because my father was asking me to come to see him. Not because it is something that I want to do. But, because it was something I felt I needed to do. I sit here filled with a whole gamut of feelings and emotions in my father’s monster size home (5br-4bath~4000sqft) filled with all kinds of art and stuff for the senses…alone and by myself… just as my father chose to make this period of life for himself. Respectfully, honoring his choices while choosing to be silent, in disagreement about how some things are being handled.
This isn’t a matter of right and wrong. Got it?
After 12 hours of travel and 2500 miles I make my way to the rehab facility where my father is staying. I peek into his room and he is eating dinner by himself. As I walk into his room, I stop in front of him and he looks at me… OMG he says… he had no idea I was coming… and we sit there looking into each other’s eyes with no words. No words needed to be said. He is in a wheelchair and needs a walker to help him balance when he walks. He is weak and has a hard time climbing out of bed on his own. I remind myself that I’m here to show my support for him and for my brother and the people that are helping to care for him. This is NOT an opportunity for me to push my way in to make sure things happen the way I want them to.
I went to visit my father on my second day. This time he was sleeping in his chair. I took off my shoes and climbed into his bed and waited for him to wake up. Eventually, his physical therapist walked in and woke him and was kind enough to give us 20min together before his appointment. I tried to engage with him by asking questions that needed a bit of an explanation and not yes/no. He continues to struggle to find his words to express his thoughts and then will eventually give up and move on to a completely different topic. Dementia is working hard on him and I can see the decline from two years ago when I last saw him.
It is terribly sad for me to see the life being drained out of my father. Seeing him first hand like firsthand while matching my experience up to the information I had received verbally because I do not live here in Colorado. I have been told my father is displaying a lack of interest in doing much of anything, no drive to continue to do art, doesn’t want to walk or do his home physical therapy, doesn’t want to be outside, sleeps excessively, watches MSNBC all the time, takes pride in not bathing, ungrateful, will not clean up after himself, nighttime incontinence, and displays a general disdain towards beliefs that are not in agreement with his. This is not the happy go lucky father I’ve known most of my life. And I know this is the disease taking over the mind of my father. Feeling everything while separating myself from my emotions in order to extend love and peace is the only practice for me right now.
My father has been insulated from my brother and I by a couple of his friends who are living with him and caring for him for the last couple of years. Cooking, cleaning, driving, shopping, coordinating appointments, etc… they really love my father and I am grateful for them and communicate that to them regularly. I appreciate these people so much for all that they are doing for him. There is a little bit of a problem though. My brother and I are not getting all the information about my father. We are not being told when he gets into car accidents, is so weak that he needs help to get up from the toilet, his incontinence, etc. I completely understand that by not communicating to my brother and I they think they are preserving a level of freedom for my father. Which they are. Nobody wants their freedoms taken away because their body can no longer perform those functions. And I can understand why they are doing what they are doing. What I explained to them is that by not being transparent in communicating, they are making things more challenging for my brother and I. My hope is that they can understand some of this and we can try to do things a little bit differently.
I think my father is completely clueless to all of this due to his dementia. He seems to be ok where he is and how he is being cared for right now… and that’s a good thing. And I can see things may need to take a drastic change that he may not like one bit.
There is a bit of a holding pattern at the moment. Waiting to see how my father takes to his rehabilitation and if he can regain enough strength to return home. And should he return home, how to care for him the best. Right now, he seems to like all the attention at the rehab facility and his needs are getting catered to. His friends are going to Mexico for some respite and will think about how they might want to participate in my father’s care moving forward. He is needing more and more attention and lots of help with daily activities and they are getting burnt out.
In the meantime, I’m trying to figure out how I can best help out here. My father’s home is almost 30 years old and is showing signs of needing maintenance as all aging homes do. I’m going to try to help here as much as I can. Sometimes I get confused and emotional and cannot find the thread of thought in my mind or heart that shows me why I am here. I sometimes need gentle reminders to keep an open mind and heart. This is part of the law of nature, everything is impermanent… including our bodies returning to the earth. I know this can be peaceful and I am determined to make it that way for myself and everyone else that may be interested in doing so.
Breathing in…. Breathing out… (Time to clean out the hot-tub ????)
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