The Starting Point…
Patriarchal Conflict & It’s Reconstruction… Making my way to Asia once again I have chosen to look through different eyes. In previous trips to Thailand, I wanted to experience all the famous areas, temples, and the food. What most tourists might do. My last experience in Asia opened up my heart to the kindness and hospitality of the people and the culture. So much so, that upon my arrival back in the USA, to my own home and country, I no longer felt like it was home for me. Even unpacking my boxes and setting up my home on my return with all my material things no longer felt like they were mine anymore.
This time as I make my way to Asia for the summer, I hold a different intention. Too look at the places I visit through the eyes of a local. As someone who would live here because, that’s my plan for retirement. Engaging with the locals, supporting the local economy, and embracing the practices of the local culture and traditions. Thailand has embraced many traditions and cultures over its existence. A mix of Brahmanism and Buddhist religions, with a Muslim and western population and more. All respecting each other and living together well. A truly beautiful thing! Very different than what is portrayed on the media in my home country. Don’t worry… my rosy view is not limited, I’m aware there is discrimination and racism everywhere in the world.
Prostitution, Sex and The Patriarchy?
There is a patriarchal system in place in Thailand society. Did you know the king of Thailand has multiple wives? Many people do not agree with this practice of the king. I’m sure you also know about Thailand being the sex tourism capitol of the world. Even though prostitution is officially illegal in Thailand, there has been an economic reliance on prostitution since the Vietnam war, with much police corruption. Yet, obtaining sexual services for oneself without any aggravating circumstances (underage victim, trafficking, by fraud, deceit, threat, violence, or the exercise of undue influence or coercion) remains legal and is unpunished under Thai law.
There is a fuzzy perception of sexual morality in Thailand. Thai families and women want to protect their dignity and innocence while there are open-air bordellos inviting men to indulge themselves. How do women righteously protect their virginity until married, while men fulfill their masculine sex drive and promiscuous biological obligations? There is a stigma attached to promiscuity and it is our virility that is a driving force for engaging in prostitution. Taboos require education and treatment. Can you feel some of the dichotomy like I do?
What are some of the reasons people decide to sell or buy sex? I think that’s the million-dollar question. Men are looking for companionship and physical intimacy. Severe poverty coupled with the absence of social welfare is certainly a direct stimulator of the sex industry. Impoverished women are choosing sex work over low paying professions. Some families force women into prostitution so they could send money back home to improve the family’s financial situation. These reasons are only scratching the surface, I’m sure there are many more motives than this.
It’s a well-known and a general statement to make, that males are known to have more of a sex drive and interest in sex greater than most females. Some of the complaint’s men have, is that their partner doesn’t want sex like they used to. And vice versa, women complain about men wanting sex too much. There are cultures in the world where keeping a mistress is common. Mistress-keeping was traditional in Japan because virtually all marriages were arranged, love was not involved, and a nation-wide legal prostitution system catered to men (over and above the thousands of geishas). Times have changed, but mistress-keeping is still common.
There is even a hush story in my own family. I’m not even clear about it and unsure about the truth of the story. That my grandfather came back home to the USA with a purple heart medal after being injured in World War II with his French nurse as a mistress. The shame of it in the family has kept this story silent. Nobody has even talked about it in my family.
Is shame the crux of it all? Is it patriarchal control? The desire to crawl out of economic poverty? Is it shame based, for the ladies and their families who choose to work in the sex worker industry for economic gain? Is it shame for men having a higher sex drive and not sure what to do with that drive in their relationships, so they take it to prostitution? Meanwhile, governmental laws are repealed, amended, and reformed almost all over the globe on a yearly basis, and are consistently a basis for sincere moral ambivalence, religious rhetoric, and interminable controversy.
I don’t claim to have the answers, only pondering the issues here.
Patriarchal Family Values… or not
When I was in Asia last, I remembered the family values that were so hospitable and warmed my heart. I was welcomed into peoples’ homes and treated so well. Almost as if they were my own family. I was treated like family. Sometimes it felt more like my family than my family of origin felt like. Sure, there was an economic exchange for room and board but, I wasn’t continually asked for economic reciprocity while acts of service were provided to me. I wanted to participate in the reciprocity of giving and receiving without insulting anyone by doing it. I’m still learning about this as there are plenty of people willing to empty your bank account without any remorse.
In some of these family values lies shadows of the patriarchal system. For instance, should a couple (or the man) decide they do not want to be married anymore, there is no official legal obligation or government enforcement for the man to provide economic support for the children. I found that is a similar practice in Colombia and other South American countries. Many women find themselves moving back into their parents’ home, or sending their children to live there so they can work to provide economic support.
Very different than the perspective from within the USA. Where a woman can decide not to be married, get a divorce, and the courts will give her half of what all the man owns. Including the house to care for the children and monthly child support payments. I have also seen the opposite in my own family, where the woman was the main financial support and the man received alimony payments in addition to half of marital assets.
I’m trying not to take any sides or opinions about this at this moment. Only to hold the many points of view and the passions, pain and suffering surrounding them.
The Intelligence of Reconstruction
I realize the patriarchy has included the suppression of women and the imbalance of power in our world. I want to treat this topic as gentle as possible to allow for changes within myself and in the outside world that are needed to bring us into more relational, political, familial, and sexual balance. I understand there needs to be a shift in the way men have operated in the past and a stepping up by women to be more leaders. The past is the past, and we cannot live in the past, we can only look forward, learning from it, and create a better world for everyone.
I look at my own life and how I have benefitted from a patriarchal society. Grateful for what I have received. Sad for the suffering of others who have not gained as I have. I look at how I may change myself and be of service to make more of a difference in today’s world.
I am holding onto an ideal, as pie in the sky as it might be… that there is a way out from suppression, discrimination, and sexism. I believe these kinds of conflict is intrinsic to our human existence and will continue to be with us. When we are faced with these kinds of conflict, we are given a chance to practice transforming those issues into patience, mutual understanding, and creativity. In this way, we contribute to a shared endeavor of learning how to live peacefully with each other. This is one of the greatest challenges in our human existence on the planet, and our individual efforts makes a difference in the collective evolution.
This transformation requires us to let go of any judgement or belief that something is wrong or bad. We need to be able to shift our point of view to see these conflicts possess a certain wisdom that expresses a position we may not want to see or cannot see. Sometimes old patterns need to be abandoned for a relationship to change or grow. It’s possible to learn to see this wisdom at work in our conflicts so we can respond creatively and constructively. We then realize, it isn’t the conflict that is the problem, it’s our response to it.
What will you choose to do?
Love wants to reach out and manhandle us,
Break all of our teacup talk of God.
Hafiz
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