I keep learning every day. Thailand history, culture, ways of life, Thai relationship styles, Buddhism, family values, economics, traffic laws, etc. Mostly I am learning more about myself. How ingrained I was in my own culture in the USA… the capitalist leader in the world, hard core feminism, gun violence, hyper independence, my own families’ values, etc.
I am getting the opportunity to continue to write my own life’s story in a dramatically new way. To realize the man I have become today and the significant life events which shaped me. To honor my desires to live life how I want. The people I choose to be in my close circles, and to whom I share the deepest parts of myself.
I came back to this piece of writing a few times. Thinking its not cohesive and doesn’t flow very well. Maybe that is the point? I hesitated posting it. Until today. My life is messy. Maybe my writing is a reflection of what my life is at the moment and needs to be out there? Welcome to my messiness.
Desire for Connection
I recently went back to visit a retreat center I first attended over a decade ago when my wife walked out of the marriage. I felt I had so many life changes happening that I needed to be around a group of people who practice the skills and principles of loving. My father had just died, a 25 year teaching career was coming to an end, selling my home and real estate business, and I was moving halfway around the world to Thailand.
I was talking to one of the retreat leaders for a few weeks before attending in person. I talked about all the stuff that was going on in my life and some of the things that I’ve been having a hard time letting go of. One of the things I realized is how I want connection. Connected to other humans, to the earth, to myself. Not the surfacy kind of connection that talks about the weather or what’s for dinner. The kind of connection that requires disclosure, expression, emotion, vulnerability, that which deepens friendships, creates lovers, and is supportive towards each other to achieve personal goals and become a more well rounded and whole person.
Truly connecting with someone or something or someplace holds a mirror. Will we choose to look at it? By looking into that mirror, it will show you everything that is holding you back. Tearing down the walls, smacking you awake. Bringing your own attention back to yourself. Revealing obstacles, addictions, breaking your heart open. To let new light in. To feel so out of control that there are no other options other than to make changes to your life. To transform. To live more of a genuine and authentic life.
The Mother Archetype
The archetype of “The Mother” has been in the forefront of my awareness these days. The metaphor of “The Mother” has many interpretations. The earth = the mother, as we are given the resources to live and be alive. The mother, being the creator and nurturer of life.
I bring my own experience of “the mother” from my own experience in my family and from my own mother. While I do honor and respect my mother, I do not see her as my superhero or hold her on a pedestal. I believe that some of my desire for connection was created by my own relationship with my mother.
We are at a time in our capitalist existence where it is not particularly ok for men to want the nurturing aspects from their woman partners. Men are perceived as needy and women are felt put upon. The roles have changed so much.
Nurturing
Who doesn’t want to be nurtured and cared for by “the mother”? Men and women, boys and girls! Men are now playing the role of “the mother” as they raise their children while mom works. I have a friend whose wife is a hospital emergency room director doctor and he is raising their 4 children while she works.
I have met many Thai ladies who exhibit “mother” energy. I am learning that it is part of the family value structure here in Thailand. Something I am drawn towards. Not because I want someone to do everything for me. Because I desire that form of nurturing. Of course I have my own visions of what some of that nurturing will look like.
I realize each woman/man has their own way of demonstrating those unique nurturing qualities. In the home, towards their partner/lover, with their children, in their service work and in the bedroom. There will always be positive and negative aspects. Life isn’t clean and peaches and cream all the time.
Genders Will Never Be Equal
There has been a quest for gender balance and equality in society. Equal rights and pay for women. The right to vote, have a credit card, are only a couple of things that happened in the last 100 years. This shift has altered personal relationships both in the workplace, at home and in the bedroom. Women have developed more masculine qualities and men their feminine qualities. A woman can never be the father and a man can never be the mother. We need both to raise our children.
I, too, have developed more of my feminine qualities. Having been given the opportunity to get face to face with ~128 students a year which has helped me refine my own nurturing abilities. I realize that is not the same as having your own children, which I do not have. Two decades of men’s support circles as facilitator and participant, sex coaching work and my own personal journey through relationships has provided much learning about myself and change to my inner being.
What we have not done is acknowledge and honor the genders will never be equal. Men will never menstruate and give birth. Women will be better nurses in the hospital than men. There are many fields of expertise that are gender oriented, as it should be.
While I am all for women becoming educated, being leaders in society, equal pay for equal work… I think it is important to honor and to know the places where genders will never be equal. We are all unique beings and have special and unique gifts to give. And we need to celebrate those differences! Nor polarize ourselves against each other.
We Do Our Personal Work
The existence of being human means suffering. Suffering should be a teacher for us to do our personal work. Asking what it’s come to reveal and to teach. Being open to listen and see things differently, suffering can become a great servant to our growth.
The Buddha proclaimed that the first truth of life is Dukkha, suffering. However, he did not mean that life IS suffering, but that suffering is inherent to life. Suffering is not necessary but is inevitable. What is called suffering is most often a well intended lesson in disguise. Most life-altering revelations and periods of expansive growth include some degree of the mind calls suffering.
It’s through our suffering where we grow and change our perspectives. To become more integrated. Desires change. Develop new boundaries while old ones dissolve. Bad habits are let go of in exchange for establishing new, life giving patterns. We become more acquainted and connected to the person we are meant to be over time.
Pulling It All Together
How does this all come together? Landing in Thailand, desire for the relational / connection, the mother, gender, personal growth?
Living our best lives possible. Where in the world do we want to live our best life? Creating and developing intimacy and with whom. To be the nurturer and receive nurture? Defining roles during complicated times.
All with intentions to be of service to the collective. In connection. Openly. Communally. “The mother”, ourselves, and each other. In devotion to growth and evolution.
Some of this work we have to do on our own. Some things we can only do in relationships. The point is that the work never ends. Until our last breath. So live your best life!