It’s hard to believe how time fly’s by sometimes and it’s been over three months since I have posted a piece of writing. Have now been in Thailand for 7 months. With all of life’s trials and tribulations. The expression, “wherever you go, there you are” has become a large voice. So have the words adapt, acclimate and assimilate.
I went from a westernized, capitalistic, highly regulated, hyper-independent culture to a developing country halfway around the world with different ethics around family values, work/economy and personal engagements (saving face). Even through some of my own head twisting confusions, I still wake up every morning happy to be here in this chapter of my life.
Societal Values
Things really don’t get started here in Chiang Mai until about 10-11a. It’s the time when most of the shops open. It gives people enough time to get their children to school and prepare for the workday. Many children go to work with their parents. Taken care of by all the people as the “day care”. Children play an important role here in societal structure.
Many times, I get asked if I worry about living alone. I am 56 and considered “old” according to Thai culture. I don’t have any children to take care of me if/when I get sick. A vulnerable aspect for Thai culture is being alone, without children at old age. I will call that a Thai’ism. Children are seen as a source of wealth for the family. To pass on the family business and to care for the elders in the family. Being alone is sometimes considered a weakness.
If you are interested in reading more about this, this is a good blog explaining more of this.
The Slow & Simple Life
Going from a full-time job, real estate rental property, many side hustles, a rich and full social life… to a “FULL STOP” … no job, no real-estate ownership, no real social life … has had its ups and downs. I do miss some of my kitchen toys from time to time. Completely enjoying the simplicity of life that comes with little responsibilities, not having many personal belongings, and can choose to do what I want. Although sometimes the solitude can be hard to sit with. What I miss most is my friends and community. Although I am building my own here slowly.
Thailand makes it simple to live here for a foreigner. Immigration retirement visa rules are straightforward. Can hire a visa agent which will make the process way easier and less time consuming. I got my Thailand driver’s license (motorcycle and car). Opened a bank account. Rented a quiet 2br home on a dead-end street in a gated community. I know all the local markets and see the same sellers at them all. Cooking this yummy food is dreamy. I don’t eat out a lot and am happy to support the locals in the markets and avoid going to the supermarket at all costs.
I bought a secondhand bicycle and fixed it up so I can ride often. I do my best to keep somewhat of a daily practice. Consisting of walking, sitting (need to do more of), cycling, local markets, cooking, hanging out with a couple friends or video calls back home. What hobbies I will pick back up again, I am not sure. I see some soap making in the future.
No Money No Honey – The Transactional Relationship
The phrase “no money, no honey” is an expression often associated with relationships or transactional dynamics. It generally implies that financial resources are a prerequisite for receiving affection, companionship, or attention, particularly in contexts like nightlife or dating involving economic exchanges. One of the expressions I learned is “foreigner wife for sale”, meaning foreigners buy their wives. Nothing is free in our capitalist world.
While some relationships involve genuine emotional connections, others hinge on the expectation of financial stability or support. “Mia Farang” (foreign wife) relationships between Thai women and foreign men can include an element of financial exchange or security. Mia farang is understood as a Thai woman in a relationship with foreign men (White/Caucasian), be it as a casual partner, a lawfully wedded wife, or a mistress. The term is known to be implicitly derogatory. However, Mia Farang is used in such a way that it shows a mode of struggle as well as its more contemporary meaning by which these women can be praised, too, if they succeed.
Attitudes towards transactional relationships vary. Some people view them as a necessary means of survival or mutual benefit, especially when many relationships are driven by income inequality. Others attach stigma, particularly if the relationship is overtly financial.
Among Thais, maintaining “face” (reputation and social respect) influences how these relationships are perceived and discussed publicly. Many relationships exist on a spectrum between transactional and traditional, with mutual benefit and genuine affection often coexisting.
Saving-Face
This particular concept of “Saving face” refers to preserving one’s reputation, dignity, and social standing in the eyes of others. I am completely fascinated by how the culture is driven by this concept. Saving face, involves avoiding embarrassment, shame, or conflict that could damage personal or collective respect. Thai culture places a high value on maintaining peace and harmony. Avoiding confrontation or situations that could cause someone to “lose face” helps preserve these values.
“Saving Face” affects social behavior in several ways. Thais tend to avoid direct criticism, confrontation, or public disputes, as these could cause someone to lose face. Indirect communication or polite phrasing is often used instead. Actions or words are chosen carefully to ensure that no one is humiliated or put in an uncomfortable position. This extends to professional, social, and family contexts. When mistakes occur, individuals often apologize indirectly or deflect blame to minimize face loss for themselves or others.
Certain actions or circumstances, such as financial struggles, family issues, or engagement in frowned-upon professions (e.g., nightlife work), carry stigma. Affected individuals may go to great lengths to hide these situations to save face. Thai society often expects individuals to meet social norms regarding behavior, success, and morality. Falling short can lead to judgment or ostracism. Gossip plays a significant role in reinforcing social norms and stigma. Fear of being the subject of negative gossip can further pressure individuals to maintain appearances.
Essentially, saving face restricts people from showing their true emotions due to the idea that it displays weakness, that in the past may have led to social rejection. The emphasis on saving face can lead to suppressed emotions, as individuals avoid expressing anger, disappointment, or vulnerability. People may hesitate to seek help for personal issues, mental health, or financial problems due to fear of stigma or face loss. In personal relationships, saving face might sometimes prevent open communication or the resolution of deeper issues.
Deflection As Protection
My survival pattern of “deflection” fits perfectly into this “saving face” concept. Deflection works in Thai society by avoiding blame or confrontation, helps maintain positive relationships and prevents resentment. Deflection can look like not being able to receive affection, love or a compliment because someone believes it is not true or fake. Thai culture values peace and consensus. Deflection prevents situations that could disrupt group harmony. Public acknowledgment of failure or wrongdoing can be deeply shaming. Deflection protects against this and allows a graceful way out of uncomfortable situations.
But there are some potential downsides of deflection. Deflection can lead to unresolved issues or misunderstandings, because problems are not addressed directly. Indirect communication is confusing to people unfamiliar with Thai cultural norms, especially foreigners like me accustomed to directness. In professional or organizational settings, deflection can hinder accountability and transparency.
One deflection mechanism is the offering of unsolicited advice. When someone is expressing emotion or feeling, or some hardship, the unsolicited advice comes from others to solve the “problem”. But when we are sharing ourselves like this, there really isn’t any problem at all, only someone trying to talk about their life. Not many people realize how deflecting from the topic by offering unsolicited advice creates a distance and hierarchy between two people. It does not help the individual deal with the issues directly. Listening and empathy skills are the antidote to this. Let each other find our own answers.
The Whiner
As you can probably see and read, my writing isn’t all full of glitter and warm fuzzies. I had someone (Thai person) point out to me that I can be a “whiner”. My inner critic can get the best of me and then be a projection of my internal world. It completely goes against the Thai cultural concept of “saving face”.
There are plenty of cultural differences that have me scratching my head and kinda confused at times. This can sometimes be perceived as me complaining or criticizing. Which is something this culture is sensitive to. I am much more attuned to speak what is happening in my psyche, rather than masking it and word-smithing it to save face. I can see where I might get labelled as a whiner.
Here’s a few pictures to help you get an idea of some of the head scratchy things…
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On the upside, people who experience me and my straightforwardness also take a breath of fresh air. Because what I speak is what most people are afraid to speak. Many people are not used to being in front of the critical eye. They also realize it can be for the good of the situation and make things better. Rather than brush stuff under the carpet, only to come out sideways later.
The Food
Oh, My, God…. The FOOD!
After 7 months of living here, the local markets have not gotten old at all. I did have to make some adjustments. At first, I was going to the local markets all the time and my refrigerator had enough food for a family of four for days. I had fun cooking and giving food away to my neighbors. Had to limit my market shopping so I could go more frequently and just not buy too much. How is it possible to spend under $15 and have the freshest farm to table fruits and vegetables for days?
“Did you eat your rice today?”, a traditional way of greeting each other here in Thailand. Food plays an integral part in the societal structure. I was honored to be interviewed on my friend’s Way’s cultural perspective podcast.
All In All….
With all the up’s and down’s its been a wonderful beginning here in Thailand. Waking up every morning here makes me happy. Not being in the crazy ‘merikkkhan political mess brings me great pleasure. Adjusting my ways of life and my thinking has been some of the challenge. I am thrilled to be living a minimalist life with very few belongings.
Onward!