I have been on a search for universal truths that all humans experience and can relate to. I have also been curious about how the emotion of vulnerability relates to dual/nondual concepts. Especially in how vulnerability relates to self and other, control and surrender, separation and unity.
But after my visit to Machu Pichu and learning about the Inca tradition, I was relieved to be learning about how duality naturally reflects the human condition and how humans experience the world. Our minds are wired to perceive distinctions—self and other, good and bad, past and future. This dualistic way of thinking helps us survive, make decisions, and navigate reality.
As curious as I was about the non-dual philosophy, I knew that wasn’t the only real answer. Neither was a pure dualistic way of thinking. The human condition isn’t rigid. It allows for adaptation, ambivalence, indecision, growth, and much nuance. We are never locked into a single way of being. Instead, we have the capacity to evolve, to redefine ourselves, and to navigate uncertainty. In as much as I do believe we are all the same, I also believe the paths to our evolution is vast.
There needs to be room made for each of us to have our own experiences. To be present with our own suffering. Discovering our unique selves. To experience and break away from the vulnerability cycles in our lives.
The Vulnerability Cycle
The “Vulnerability Cycle” is a concept coined by Mona Fishbane in neuropsychology and relationships. It explains how every person in a relationship has past emotional wounds or insecurities. The cycle begins when one partner feels hurt, insecure, or unsafe, they react in a way that triggers the other partner’s wounds. Both partners keep reacting from this old place instead of resolving the issue.
I was a witness to my parents’ unique vulnerability cycle as well as in my own marriage. It’s been a fascinating topic for me in my life because I wanted to stop the generational trauma cycles in my life. It also fits well in this conversation about vulnerability and dual/non-dual theories.
One of the most common cycles I see and experience is the openness / generosity that comes from love and the contraction / withdrawal that comes from protection. When someone feels their love is not being ignored, they become critical of the other (“you don’t love me like I love you”). The other person then feels attacked and withdraws to protect themselves. The persons insecurity deepens, and they get angrier and more critical which leads to more shutdown by the other.
I find this kind of relational suffering cycle is normal between two people in the beginning. Eventually, being able to step back, slow down and be a witness to ourselves becomes the work. Not to be controlled by our built-in reactions. True resilience isn’t about avoiding pain but being open to the experience, without being dominated by it. The Middle Way teaches that we flow with life instead of fighting or collapsing under it.
Vulnerability is not a weakness. Accepting the reality of our past and our trigger points without trying to force ourselves on the other or hide through our contraction. Vulnerability becomes the doorway to deeper compassion and understanding of each other. By accepting vulnerability, we see reality clearly without trying to force control or escape discomfort.
Duality: Vulnerability is Exposure
In the dualistic theory, we see ourselves as separate beings. Separate from each other and from nature. Distinctly unique from others and the world. We all have a unique self. Bringing different qualities in our personalities and our own special gifts to give to the world.
This perceived sense of separation makes vulnerability seem risky. Because if I open myself up I will be judged, abandoned and hurt. So we build defenses… mental constructs, emotional distancing and physical isolation. Building defenses to protect ourselves. Reinforcing the illusion of an independent self.
In this context, vulnerability is seen as weakness. Because our exposure opens us to potential harm from “the other”.
Non-duality: Vulnerability is Flow of Life
In the non-dual perspective, the idea of a separate self is the illusion. Instead of existing as isolated individuals, the concept is that we are all deeply interconnected. Suggesting that the boundaries we perceive between self and other, subject and object – are all our mental fabrications.
If there is no fundamental boundary between “me” and “you,” then vulnerability is not exposure, but openness to the flow of life. If these illusions of separateness can dissolve, what remains is a direct experience of unity, where we all experience the same underlying reality.
Instead of fearing loss or rejection, vulnerability becomes a way to experience unity and presence. as the struggles and fears associated with maintaining a separate identity begin to lose their grip. Instead of trying to “become” something, non-duality invites us to accept that we already are whole, complete, and part of the flow of life.
Non-duality helps us reframe vulnerability. Not as a personal risk, but as a natural state of being—a surrender to what is, rather than an attempt to control it.
The Middle Way: Building the Vulnerability Bridge
There is a middle way. There must be. There is no single way to exist in this world that works for everyone. There are only a few saints in the existence of the world like Mother Theresa and the Dalai Lama who lived their lives open as love 100% of the time. Just as there are only a few humans who have lived their lives in great fear and violence.
Vulnerability can feel unbearable in a dualistic mindset when we believe others will be thinking badly of us or abandoning the relationship. This can lead to avoiding conversations and situations. In attempt to control the outcome.
In a non-dual approach, it’s possible to dismiss vulnerability altogether. As we say to ourselves, “If there is no self, who is there to be vulnerable?” But, we cannot deny the appearance of the human condition where our feelings of vulnerability still arise. Dismissing vulnerability outright can sometimes be a form of “spiritual bypassing,” using philosophy to avoid engaging with real emotions.
A more integrated approach embraces both perspectives. From the absolute view, there is no separate self. From the relative and human perspective, vulnerability is part of the dance of life. In this way, vulnerability is both a challenge of duality and a path to non-duality. To help us transcend our ideas of separation without denying our human experience.
Strength in Vulnerability
Vulnerability isn’t a weakness or isolative or a disappearing act. It’s the courage to be fully present with what is. It’s about showing up fully, without defenses, and being present with whatever arises. It’s not a sign of weakness but a deep act of courage. Allowing ourselves to be seen, to feel, to be present, and to engage with life openly.
Whether we choose to see vulnerability through a dual or non-dual lens, vulnerability is about meeting life as it unfolds before our eyes, without armor or resistance.
Vulnerability is both… the pain of separation and the doorway to unity.