I have gotten used to traveling by the seat of my pants. With little itinerary and only a couple weeks planned out. It gives me a chance to settle into a place and go with the flow and follow anything that the universe might put in front of me. I don’t particularly like to have every moment planned of every day even though I do appreciate some structure. Just not someone else’s imposed structure. I’ve never done well with organized tours or cruises that last for days. Yet, I do see some benefit in them at times.
While I’ve been in Chiang Mai, I’ve had opportunities to see a cacao farm, mushroom farm, get a cooking lesson from one of the grandmothers, get a tour of the ministry of education in Bangkok and travel to the Golden Triangle with a new friend. These things would never have happened if I had a heavily structured itinerary.
Yet, without the structured itinerary, life can get mundane, boring, and sitting with oneself has us turn inside to look at ourselves, our lives… all the joys and the struggles.
The Struggle
Life will always bring some sort of hardship, challenge, and suffering. Career life will have its challenges in dealing with people and having a common goal. There will be conflicts in relationships and family life. Negotiation and compromise in daily life will bring satisfaction and frustration.
It’s been a great learning experience to live in Thailand all summer. To stay put in one place for 6-8 weeks and be able to learn the culture from an insider perspective. There is a vast difference in economy of scale between USA and Thailand, and some of the Thailand culture takes advantage of that with the foreigners. Both in relationships and in business transactions. I can see the similarities that are in my country as well.
The struggles are the same wherever we go. Some people are more interested in money and materialism. While others are interested in connection and love. Both are an important part of our capitalist world. Except, we cannot take our money and things with us when we die. It’s only the legacy of service to humanity and the love we leave behind.
The Internal Critic & Its Projections
There has been some programming that has been passed down in my family for generations. The programming has showed up in my family as shame and embarrassment via an internal critic. Because others thought they had the right ways and the right answers about how someone should live their lives. Expressed them and shamed others when they did not live up to those standards.
My grandmother didn’t think a woman could love another woman and instilled that perspective onto her children. Creating shame when one of her children asked about being a lesbian. While a friend of my grandmothers of the same age, was an open lesbian.
This kind of programming was passed down into me. I loved cooking as a child and wanted to become a chef, but that kind of career wasn’t particularly acceptable with my family. My family burnt bridges in relationships, and I was taught to be loyal to the family even when the conflicts had nothing to do with me. I continually fought against the status quo in my family.
All this instilled an internal critic inside of me that has wreaked havoc on some of the choices I made for myself and on my relationships. Accepting ambivalence has not been a strong point. I’ve usually had clear direction for myself in life. When I didn’t, it was difficult for me to sit in the unknown.
This internal critic also makes it projections onto others and into the world. It’s the same way I obtained the critic from my family growing up. By others criticizing my thoughts and decisions in life, I have the programming to also do the same. Some members of my family denied what was going on and developed their own way of coping with the criticism.
The critic continues to hit me hard in life because I have an inquisitive soul and my curiosity is repeatedly squashed. I didn’t let that hinder my dreams and goals in life. And the internal critic makes a showing every now and again. Wherever I am in the world.
Remaining Open, The Practice – Freedom in Structure
Maybe it’s being a quadruple Virgo? Maybe it’s because I’m a full-time student of life? Maybe it’s because I don’t enjoy the emotion of boredom? Maybe it’s because I like learning new things? Regardless of my understanding “why” I am the way I am. I know I experience freedom in structure. From the structure of teaching in a semesters time at the college. To the proven procedures of growing mushrooms and making soap. These are examples of some of the structures I can thrive in.
I am a supporter and advocate of the theory that life is a practice. To keep a daily practice is an important part of life. Whether its meditation, walking, exercise, writing, yoga, breath-work, stretching, weightlifting, and many other things. Keeping a daily practice has been an important part of my life. Helping keep a peaceful existence in the midst of life’s craziness. I also encourage my students in developing their own daily practice.
The practice is the same for everyone. Finding the guiding light of peace of mind through some sort of daily practice for the body and soul.
May we all find the practices that bring the peace of mind we all look for.