This topic has been the focus and intention for my sabbatical and travels here in South and Southeast Asia. The agreement with my employer was for my exploration to be in India for two months. My time in India flew by so fast. I wanted to extend the exploration of how communal cooking fosters rich human connection into Thailand and the rest of my travels throughout Asia.
It is important to mention that the concept of hospitality goes hand in hand with the aspect of communal cooking. How we welcome people into our homes, lodging facilities and food service establishments is the first experience people have before they get to settle into what it is they will be doing in these places.
I mentioned in previous writing describing the experience I had being welcomed into people’s homes in India and some of the differences I had in Nepal and now being in Thailand. I had no problem when I was in India finding families to stay with and cook with. And in Thailand, relating to the people and trying to find the “authentic” cooking experience has been challenging to find. Investigating the “why’s” has been a fun and challenging time after being here for about 5 weeks now.
After asking and asking and asking for what I want with people and being turned down time after time, I made a couple of connections with local people that I am currently following through with. One of these experiences was yesterday. I have been in email and SMS communication for several weeks with a personal chef, Kay, a woman who I was introduced to through someone who just so happened to speak English working at one of the main food markets in Bangkok.
I pause for a moment…
Before I go into writing about the absolutely beautiful experience I had I want to write about two things that I think had a big impact in my experience yesterday. The first being the development of trust in relationships and the second having a common world view / personal value.
Developing Trust
Developing trust between people takes time and isn’t necessarily a “given” in the beginning of any friendly connection. It is understandable to me here in Thailand, due to the history and stereotyping of the white, middle aged, westerner, “farang”, that they wouldn’t be welcomed into somebody’s home right from the beginning. What is it that the foreigner truly wants? Is there a hidden agenda? There has been many a traveler through Thailand who has left a messy trail for the locals to clean up. And the important thing I needed to remember… that in my presentation of myself I represent what has happened here in Thailand in the past. Developing a genuine connection and trust between the foreigner and the locals has been a challenge for me. Not impossible, but just not as easy as it was in India.
Personal Values / World View
It’s hard to develop a connection when one or more people has an internal mechanism protecting them from outside world and thinks something bad is going to happen from others. We live in a world where there is a tremendous amount of pain, betrayal and heartbreak everywhere. Nobody is immune to it. There is only one way out of this world and we are all on that path. How we choose to deal with our pain and see the goodness in people and the universe is up to us. Having a personal world view or a value system that see’s people as generally good natured has helped me let go of any ideas I had of how things were going to be for me here in Thailand.
Ok… now I can continue…
After a 14hr overnight train ride from Chiang Mai I arrived in Bangkok and checked into my Airbnb to take a nap before I go to the next destination. I was invited to Kay’s home to first, have a conversation and then second, to see about cooking together. I arrived about 1pm and proceeded to have conversation until about 4pm. There were many topics covered… religion, relationship, family upbringing, cooking philosophy, life experiences and many others that left me feeling like I was with an old friend picking up where we left off the last time we were together.
We had some very similar views about cooking, spirituality, relationship, being of service to others and many more. We even chuckled at the realization that there we were, a Muslim and a Jew, having a great conversation without any conflict. There was a topic about being in a society that has “classes” and how after you attain a certain level of status you would never again have to clean the toilets. Check out this article about how China is hiring only university graduates to clean toilets.
It’s hard for me to remember everything which I would like to do sometimes, and this is one of those times where I’d like to. Being tired after a long overnight travel had me more open with less fear and insecurities which was wonderful to be in the flow of the moment. And sometimes when truth speaks from the heart it bypasses the brain.
We didn’t talk about cooking, menu planning, what I would like to learn about Thai cooking, what she would like to get in return/compensation… none of that. I didn’t even remember that I came with this sabbatical intention of mine. It was all purely human connection and seeing the beauty in each other. It brings tears to my eyes just writing this. Which, by the way, is not what strong people do in this culture, show and express their emotions. THIS… is a great example of how communal cooking fosters rich human connection. I was being blessed and knew it.
Kay has an outdoor kitchen and a fully stocked pantry with all the sauces, spices and condiments you could possibly need for cooking in her outdoor. She took me to her front yard and showed me the things she had growing… things like Thai basil, mulberries, chilis, lemongrass and many many other things. We had the conversation about how spicy things are cooked and personal preferences for spiciness as she picked these tiny bomb peppers. I thought I liked things spicy, HA! Kay then proceeded to go through her refrigerator and pull things out she was going to cook for dinner for her family. Mackerel, green papaya, lotus trunk, sapodilla, grass jelly… and I became her commis chef, peeling and julienne green papaya, frying mackerel, and stir frying the lotus trunk.
I was in a completely unfamiliar environment with unfamiliar equipment and unfamiliar ingredients. I officially became Kay’s student and understudy. I was remembering the lesson I give to my students about some of the signs of a good cook… being in an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar ingredients and equipment and producing a meal that people love. I was fortunate to have Kay there with me as the guiding force behind the cooking. My oil wasn’t hot enough in the wok for the fish, I burned a little of the garlic for the lotus trunk… what kind of chef did I think I am? None of this food was any of the food I had imagined I wanted to learn to cook. I laugh at myself as I type these words out. It was totally perfect, and I loved every minute of it.
We sat and ate, and I thought maybe one of Kay’s children would join us who ran out of the house to work after over sleeping. There was a conversation of going to one of the markets that evening. It was after 8pm and I was tired and called it a day. We have another plan to cook together on Thursday. I am so looking forward to being in the presence of Kay, a beautiful human and a talented chef.
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