Blog Full - Maurice Leavitt | Personal Essays, Travel Writing & Reflections

8 Jul 2023

The Transactional Relationship

by Maurice | posted in: Adventure, Relationship, The Human Condition, Travel | 0

There has been something I have been noticing in my journey through Thailand once again. I am being reminded of the 3 stages of relationship that I learned from David Deida. The retreats I have attended by him and that he writes in his book “Intimate Communion” are alive and active in my mind during this time.

I am remembering the time I spent months in India and Nepal. Where I chose “home-stays” to rest my head at night, versus hotels or hostels or my own apartment rentals. It was very pleasurable for me to stay with these families, share meals and learn what lives were like in another culture and country. After my time in India and Nepal I went to Thailand. Things were very different in Thailand, and I had to wrap my mind around it.

A Little History…

Thailand has been one of the few, if not the only, countries that was never occupied by a western foreign power. Thailand has remained politically neutral for the most part. Not taking sides or being involved in conflicts and wars in the region. Thailand has been a place of respite for many soldiers and people from all over the world. Tourism had contributed about 60% of Thailand’s gross domestic product for a long time.

When I arrived in Thailand, there were very few “home-stays” I could find. I could rent a room in someone’s home but, they were typically not around and not a meal to be shared. Traveling alone, I was getting used to India and Nepal’s home-stays and the social aspect it provided for me. Thailand became a very different adventure for me and continues to do the same almost 5 years later.

This Time Around…

As I make my way around Thailand this time around, I am choosing to look through different eyes, as I may have mentioned in a previous writing. Through the eyes of retirement and finding a place to live. Despite some of the bureaucratic hoopla that Thailand immigration makes people jump through for retirement visas, Thailand feels like a place a lot easier to live life.

As a highly social creature that I am, finding and making connections is an important part of what I am trying to do. Due to the fact I am a white skinned, middle-aged foreigner (farang), many people look at me with dollar signs in their eyes. Because I am a foreigner from the west, the US dollar goes very far in S.E. Asian countries and people want to take advantage of that.

For instance… after arriving to a new place, either a train or bus station or airport I check the taxi apps on my phone, Uber, Bolt, Grab, etc. to find the going rate to get to my accommodation. Because I know the taxi drivers will try to take advantage of the arriving foreigners. After I know what the going rates are, the taxi drivers come soliciting. They moan and groan as they make up that my accommodation is a long distance away of about 15 minutes and then offer me a price three times the going rate on the apps. I look at them sideways so they can see I know what they are trying to do. I don’t appreciate the people trying to take advantage of me as a foreigner. And yet I know they are also trying to make a living as well.

Stage Two Relationship – The Transactional Relationship

From the egoic, self-centered and co-dependent “stage one” of relationship. To the transactional relationship of “stage two” where fairness and equal expectations is the main focus to give and get (love). And the “third stage” where attachment to outcomes is no longer. In stage three we choose to practice love even when we feel hurt, and with no expectation of being loved back, the most difficult stage to reach.

Let’s do our best to leave our judgment aside for this one at the moment.

We live in a capitalist and consumerist world where the exchange of money for goods and services is all about stage two of relationship. Where clear exchanges, equal expectations and fairness is important. Where negotiating the “deal”, I’ll give you this if you give me that, takes center stage. Getting the most, for giving the least.

A transactional relationship is one that is based on reciprocity and needs. In a transactional relationship, both parties expect to receive something in return for their investment. These relationships are not based on the idea that you should give without expecting anything in return.

Transactional Relationship Examples

I am seeing this transactional relationship in many forms while I am in Thailand. Not only from the business and economic side. But from the relational side as well. From taxis, hotels, the many variations of massage, and sex services. If I want to go visit certain temples, as a foreigner I need to pay a fee while the locals do not. Can you imagine going to the Grand Canyon and only Americans get in free and all the tourists have to pay?

I have heard stories of older foreigner men coming to Thailand in search for a young lady to marry. These men pay a large sum of money as a dowry to the family for them to relinquish their virgin daughter for marriage. This does not include monthly payments to the family for normal living expenses. The older foreigner men are adopting the family in exchange for the young woman he gets to marry. It gets the family out of poverty, and it gets the older foreigner man a young wife to care for him the rest of his life.

Something similar happens in the sex worker trade. Young girls from impoverished villages make a secret decision to come to Bangkok and sell their bodies. Sometimes the family encourages them to go as well. A decision not taken lightly in a society where the culture puts value on women’s virginity for marriage.

The Flow of Life? Unconditional Love?

There is so much at work here when it comes to the transactional relationship. Personal beliefs, cultural values, ethics, and morals all come into play when it comes to this wide span of transactional relationship examples above. What is right and what is wrong? It’s upsetting when I realize I am being taken advantage of due to my skin color. I can get embarrassed when I see a 30-to-40-year age gap between a white skinned foreigner and a young Thai woman. And I also realize the embarrassment is my own judgment because of my upbringing because it is completely acceptable here.

When we are not paying attention to one another’s efforts we are focused on the outcome and expected results. It’s a place where feelings come second to the results. It doesn’t matter if the other offers empathy or compassion, or make efforts to make each other a better person, or gives you a sweet surprise. You’re not in your partnership for that, to only be result oriented.

There are benefits for being in a transactional relationship… trust, equality, give and take, and more legally secure. When it comes to doing business there will always be a give and take. We are still building trust in relationship regardless of its style. It isn’t always about getting the best deal or the upper hand. As with everything in life… there are also dark sides or disadvantages.

Growing Together

An intimate relationship is all about growing together which opposes transactional relationships. With set agreements and responsibilities life gets dull and monotonous. The focus on the end goal brings much competition for who is the best. It’s inevitable that we change, and we need to learn to adapt and work together, for the sake of love and not out of selfishness.

Sharing of love, kindness, empathy, consolation, affection, and positive emotions are the core of relationships. In a transactional relationship everything becomes conditional. Often the transactional relationships lack emotional connections which can make them feel unfulfilling. The sharing of affections and positive feelings are essential for human survival. We can’t survive in a relationship without love, care, and kindness. Being able to flow with the unfolding of life is the skill to learn beyond the transaction.

The antidote to fear…. is affection!

26 Jun 2023

‘Trep

by Maurice | posted in: Adventure, Psychology, Relationship, The Human Condition | 0

”Trep – Definition: An abbreviation for “entrepreneur” that,
for reasons obvious,
has mainly been embraced by slang-obsessed teenagers and Netspeak devotees.

The markets in Asia have continually grabbed my interest and fascination. Maybe because there is such a lack of them where I grew up. There were flea markets and farmers markets that made their appearance during the week in Amerikkkah. But no ongoing daily and nightly markets with clothing, food stalls, artist installations, live music, and all the chachkas made in China that you can imagine. And these markets are all over the place in Thailand.

It was dinnertime. I am staying in a part of Chiang Mai where you can get “craft” beer for the same price they sell it at home. You can also get an all you can eat shabu feast or a meat buffet for $25. Compare that with genuine Northern Thailand food where you can get the tastiest meal for about $2. I don’t know why anyone would come here for a “western” food experience. Sure, you can find some of the westernized culinary artistry found in bakeries and pizza to satisfy the craving from home. It’s just not the experience I want, nor would I encourage.

Lang Mor Night Market, Chiangmai University

I got curious where the students were hanging out after school and headed to this evening to get something to eat. First, I walk the entire market to see what is available, what’s the most popular by the queue, and what makes my mouth water. The Japanese sukiyaki stall had a waiting station in the street. The battered and fried potatoes also had a good line to wait.

Of course, the health inspector and germaphobe in me get activated. I look at all the raw meat and large quantities of prepared foods sitting out in 90f temperatures and cringe sometimes. Then I realize the fear-based nature of my country, and this is the way they have been doing it for so many years. There are cooks everywhere trying to recoup their cost by selling bad and spoiled product all over the world.

You can eat some of the best food like a king/queen for under $4.

The Walk Home…

I’m a walker and a talker. I took a different way home. With my eyes wide open. Watching every footstep on the broken concrete tiles, uneven sidewalks, and high curbs. Poking my head into some of the brick-and-mortar shops along the way to see how they might compete with the night market nearby.

Then I came across a hamburger shop. With scrunchy eyebrows I peered in. Wondering where the tables were and assuming they were in the back somewhere. Uh, no. It was this eight-foot wide by 12-foot-long storefront. With one induction cooktop and a series of traditional hamburger condiments on the table.

สวัสดี ค่ะ – sa wàt dii kʰâ

A Thai language “good evening” greeting. Coming from the young lady running the shop as I am carrying bags of food back to my apartment. I was still a little confused about what was going on in that shop of hers. She was well spoken in English, and I asked her what she was selling. “Hamburgers”, she said, “for 49 Bhat”. If you want chili sauce it will be 65. But no place to sit, only take away.

We were a little ways away from the big Lang Mor Night Market. I asked her how she can compete with that big night market selling all that food every day 17:00 -22:00p. She said she is only open Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, because she just graduated from the university and has a job as a teaching assistant. I was amazed at this young lady and her ‘trep spirit.

I thought about what it would take for someone who wanted to sell simple food items in Amerikkkah. All the hoops the government has the people jump through makes it so prohibitive. Even to sell simple items like a hamburger or even lemonade. like we all did as children from the street corner. But in Thailand, where life is simpler in this regard, you can sell anything on the street. You probably will have to pay off the police, so they look past you as there is much corruption in law enforcement. That seems to be a common occurrence.

One More To Consider…

When I arrive to a new place, I like to walk around the neighborhood to get used to my surroundings and see what’s out there. There was this woman I came across a few times in the same spot. She was selling these homemade bite sized egg tarts with a visible flakey pastry, topped with foi thong, or egg threads. The egg threads looked like cheese. She was selling them, 4 for 10 Bhat, or $0.30. Luckily there was a customer there to show me this video to educate me about foi thong.

This woman on the street corner in front of the Lotus Supermarket was very vibrant and was super friendly. She was smiling all the time and drew me right in. It was the end of the day, and she was now selling the pastries for 6 Bhat or $0.20. I asked her if she makes other things, but this was the only one. Considerately, I stepped aside as she was actively trying to sell out the remaining tarts she had, while other potential customers came to look.

I really didn’t want these things, but I wanted to try the foi thong, I decided I would purchase a couple of them and give her 20 Bhat. More than double of what she was originally asking for because she was so vibrant and friendly. She also took the time to educate me about what she was selling.

She packed up a bag for me and then asked for 10 Bhat, her original price. It made me sad because it was so opportunistic. I had watched her trying to sell for 6 Bhat, but because of the color of my skin and being a foreigner (farang), she thought she could get more money out of me. Even though the additional few cents wouldn’t be all that much to me and would mean so much more to her, it was the principle that made me sad. I did not change my mind at all in what I wanted to do. I called her out on her actions, she reduced her price, and I gave her the 20 Bhat anyway.

The moral of the story here is that the ‘trep spirit is alive and well here in Thailand. People are trying to make a living. And we are all trying to get the best fair price, supporting each other, while not being taken advantage of.

23 Jun 2023

The Next Chapter – Retirement

by Maurice | posted in: Adventure, Personal Growth, Psychology, Relationship, The Human Condition, Travel | 0

In September of this year, I will experience my 55^th trip around the sun. It’s hard to believe how fast the time goes by. At times, my body likes to remind me that I am no longer in my twenties anymore. In addition to the aging milestone, the next academic year I will be entering into my 25^th year of teaching. The milestone for government workers where full benefits is available for those deciding to retire. Something I have planned on taking full advantage of for a long time.

Over the course of my life my parents looked at their jobs and careers very differently. My father taught me the lesson of following your dreams. That no job should get in your way of them. My mother taught me an awesome work ethic. I watched my father struggle to hold down a job and make a living. While I watched my mother thrive in her career and become a bit of a workaholic. I knew there was a balance between the two.

I worked hard in my career to get to where I am today. I also worked the system hard in Amerikkkah. I have been blessed with good fortune in addition to have been taught a good work ethic while following the purpose in my life. I have worked many jobs and side hustles to be able to retire at 55. Unfortunately, I just don’t feel staying in Amerikkkah is an option anymore.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

With a change of this magnitude, there will be some ambivalence and fear. I know it’s only natural. Life is full of ambivalence, isn’t it? My friend Stephen encouraged me to make friends with the resistance I had to my own ambivalence. As much of an exciting of an adventure I have when I travel, I do face into the questioning of life and existence. I’m pretty sure I came out of my mother’s womb asking her “why”!

After spending a sabbatical traveling and living in Asia back in 2018-2019, I returned home to the USA feeling like my country was not my home anymore. I even lived in my small apartment without unpacking all my stuff so a friend could live there. I felt more at home in Asia than I did in my own country. America being the leader and focusing on materialism, capitalism, corporatism, gun violence, for profit health care, made me feel as if it was time for me to find a different shit show I could relate to more.

My father was an inspiration for me as he followed his dreams in his career. I did the same thing pursuing being a chef and an educator. Packing up my stuff many times to move across the country and back. To start and finish school 1000s of miles apart. I have experience uprooting myself to follow my dreams and career path. This time, things are different.

I am too young to retire and stop working. I am fortunate enough to have worked the system to my advantage, planned far enough ahead and not have it be a necessity to have a job for income. However, there is a change of direction in my purpose. From a professional chef to college professor to, _______? That free-fall into the mystery accompanied by a foreign country with cultural and language barrier seems like the adventure of a lifetime, yet again.

All Things Considered – Connection

I have accumulated about 30 years of “stuff”. Not only real estate property and material items. But a comfortable support system, including medical professionals who I respect, along with many good friends. I have aged and gotten comfortable. Even if I have spent much time traveling around the world living out of a backpack for months at a time.

Now as I sit in Thailand after about a month of being away, my mind and body wander. I have made a few nice connections here in Thailand. Although these connections here don’t have the history and time investment as the ones I have back home. Building connections and a community for myself, which I believe is possible, will take some time. Probably more time at the age I am now, than if I were younger.

I am mostly an extrovert, and I find this aspect having to start over making friends, building relationships, and creating community a bit of a daunting task and most concerning for me at the moment. I am currently a foreigner and a tourist, a farang, as Thai people call it. Just a common way of referring to foreigners. I don’t speak the language and am learning and getting used to the culture.

The transactional relationship is very much alive here. One of my teachers calls it a “stage two” relationship… if I do this for you, you will do this for me. Stage two is a 50/50 style of relationship. They can be completely void of loyalty and when the need for transaction is no longer there, the relationship ends. After stage two comes the transformational relationship. A relationship where one person does something or gives something to another without any desire for reward. The relationship itself becomes the reward for both parties. IF there is to be a future together, the non-transactional relationship is the right one. Relationships can be both and can grow from one stage to the next.

All Things Considered – Health Care

I left for Thailand needing some dental work, a probable root canal. There was no way I was going to change my airline ticket and wait weeks for appointments with the dentist, endodontist and having a crown made. Only to have to pay top dollar, how little insurance will pay and miss out on my time in Thailand. So, I decided to come to leave and do it here. If I’m eventually going to move here, I might as well get used to things like this, right?

After a few days getting adjusted to the time change and jet lag, I made my way to the “dental hospital” where Thai royalty get their dental work done. I decided to be a walk-in patient and see what happens. I was greeted by the director/owner and within minutes I had a series of x-rays and scans and diagnosed as needing an emergency root canal. After a few hours, I had the entire procedure completed. I only had to return the following day for the completed crown. I’ve was treated so well, the people were great, and it cost me half as much as it would have in the USA. Go figure!

A friend went to get a checkup at a private hospital here in Thailand. Something similar happened to them. They were able to see multiple specialists in one day. This would have taken weeks to months in Amerikkkah.

I have more faith in the health care system here in Thailand than USA. I must do some more research about insurance, public vs private health care, retirement visas, social support systems, etc.

It’s a big decision and a big change to sell all your stuff and move halfway around the world where you don’t speak the language. The next chapter of my life is looking at me square in the face. These are the eyes I wished to be looking through during this time in Thailand. I know the answers are coming, I just have to be patient.

19 Jun 2023

Virtuosity of Happiness

by Maurice | posted in: Love, Personal Growth, Psychology, Spirituality, The Human Condition, Travel | 0

The Different Facets of Happiness

The tour of Thailand I am on now is different than the last times I have been here. Looking with the eyes of retirement and the next chapter of my life. I get asked the question “Why do you want to move to Thailand?” a lot! In Thailand, people are generally kind, hospitable and greet you with a smile. The dollar will go much further in SE Asia. Life in Amerikkkah has gotten to be too much for me… with the USA being the leader of capitalism, consumerism, and materialism. I am aware the world has become a capitalist world, even here in Thailand.

The expression, “Wherever you go, there you are”, has not left my mindset at all. My friend told me they want to be able to cultivate the ability to be happy wherever they live. Isn’t that the life we all crave no matter the circumstances? People will be people wherever you go in the world. Then the conversation about gun violence and terrorism comes up. I was able to take a car tour on top of Khun Dan Prakan Chon Dam. This was a major project to deliver water across the province to benefit all the people there… The concrete structure is approximately 3km long. NEVER… would that be possible at the Hoover Dam in Amerikkkah because people would be so afraid of some terrorist car bomb going off. The only way you can get close to Hoover Dam is through a guided walking tour.

The Buddha & Happiness

Living in a Buddhist country is a wonderful thing. Buddha, all the temples and Buddhas teachings of the four noble truths and the eight precepts are everywhere. They are even taught to the children in the public schools by the monks who are well versed on the dharma so the children can develop a sense of their own well-being. It’s awesome! I was a lucky recipient to get a tour of the Ministry of Education in Bangkok, Thailand.

A central principle of Buddhism is that we are not helpless victims of unchangeable emotions. In the words of Buddha himself, “We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world.” Buddhism is associated with happiness. According to Buddhist thinking, happiness and sorrow are our own responsibility – and completely within our control. “If we train our mind properly, happiness will be the result.” … It seems like quite the claim – that mental training can make you happy, no matter what happens to you.

The Buddha teaches that one of the most beneficial aspects to cultivating happiness is our mental noticing and awareness. Making the effort in observing the perceptions as they do appear. This direct insight into reality, obtained by the focusing our attention is called “vipassanā“. Vipassanā therefore means ‘to see clearly’ or rather ‘to see things as they are’. Vipassanā meditation is translated as ‘insight meditation’… insight into the true nature of things. This is the mental training that Buddhists believe will cultivate happiness. I have experienced it firsthand myself.

Western Psychology

In western philosophy, psychologists suggest challenging negative thoughts and replacing them with more optimistic and happy ones. Buddhist philosophy focuses more on detaching yourself from all thoughts to create a state of stillness conducive to ultimate self-understanding, or enlightenment… with the key method of achieving this being meditation. This usually involves fixing our attention on a body part, the breath, a mantra or an inspirational picture – to arrive at a state where we are not distracted by our thoughts.

“If we train our mind properly, happiness will be the result.” … It seems like quite the claim Buddha made – that mental mind training can make us happy, no matter what happens. This idea is also in line with some current thinking in western psychology. A simple philosophy – that changing the way we think can change the way we feel – it’s the basis of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), an approach in clinical psychology and counselling, as well as stress management programs. It was originally developed to help people recover from problems such as depression, anxiety disorders, anger and self-sabotaging behaviors.

A Questionable Therapeutic Model

I come from a country that does not teach meditation or philosophies that cultivate mental well-being and happiness. Like the monks do here in the schools in Thailand. It’s been something I’ve wondered about in my 24 years as a college teacher. I have adopted some of these philosophies into my teachings that hopefully allow my students to give themselves permission to make mistakes. To give them more freedom to become the people they are meant to become, and to follow their dreams and desires.

Having spent time living in Asia, I am learning the culture and people have a different therapeutic model that cultivates happiness than the one I have been exposed to in my country. With the Buddhist teachings and philosophies as a background, I am doing my best to try to understand. Because, when life tends to throw us challenges, which it regularly does, aren’t we all wanting to overcome those challenges and be happy?

What I am finding here is that showing and sharing your emotions could be seen as a sign of weakness. You may be perceived as someone who complains too much and doesn’t try to solve anything for yourself. This often comes from family environments in which silence is a sign of strength and feelings aren’t likely shared. There is also a belief among younger generations that their elders experienced far more challenging hardships. They do not want to impose on them because they might feel guilty sharing their mental health struggles knowing their relatives faced something “more” stressful just to survive.

In Asia, there can be tremendous pressure to be academically or professionally successful. There’s a sense that your value as a person depends on your ability to take care of your family and community. Mental illness can be seen as a block from a person’s ability to care for others and as taking away someone’s identity or purpose… another form of shame. There is some belief there is no such thing as mental illness. Only institutionalized insanity, brain injury and mental disability.

The Practice

“Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.”
— Buddha

Happiness can be seen as the ability to cultivate serenity and excitement about life regardless of outside forces. This perspective gives us permission to release the idea that happiness is a constant, with ongoing positivity or contingent upon outside people, events or circumstances.

Happiness fluctuates over time. Of course, we all want to wake up every day in the best happy mood possible. Happiness is an emotion, just like anger, fear and sadness. Happiness is a pleasurable feeling that comes in and out of our awareness over a course of time. Happiness does not describe the identity of who we are, it’s a state of being at any given moment. Happiness is defined by many different things… like where you are, what you are doing, who you are with, how your body feels, your mental state and what we value about our life.

Considering happiness is an emotional state and we cannot control our emotions, I strive to be satisfied and fulfilled with my life as it is. Accepting life’s situations as they are. Because I know the better I feel about myself and my life, the happier I will be. This has required me to establish a practice, just like the practice of Buddhas 5 precepts. The practice involves self-care practices, meditation, diet, exercise and mental training awareness.

Being Grateful… the more I can see the good things around me and in my life, the more of a positive outlook I will have about myself and the world. The world post COVID and the state of politics in the USA has challenged this practice for me.

Right thinking… it’s not about what I don’t like. It’s about shifting to the things that I love about myself and my life. Shifting thoughts and attitudes about the things I can change and letting go of the things I cannot.

Positive Relations… Everyone wants to be connected, accepted, protected, respected, and heard. We all need people in our lives to feel a sense of belonging hand have meaningful connections. The more I can cultivate relationships with likeminded people who I love, admire and enjoy and feel close to, the better I feel about myself and the world.

Find Meaning… There is an individual purpose that we each are given in our lives. Our core values and morals we develop over the course of our lives that help us make choices for ourselves. Buddhist philosophy and even the Dalai Lama talk about our propose in life is to be of service to others. This gets us out of individualistic selfish thinking and provides us self-worth and meaning in our lives.

Focusing on happiness as if it’s a personal goal for our personal identity is a misplaced presumption that tells us we are to be happy all the time. Experiencing happiness requires daily practice that brings greater fulfillment and satisfaction to the life we are living.

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