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Passive Aggression = Avoidance of Conflict

Why can’t we just say what we mean, ask for what we want and be honest when we don’t want something?

Passive aggressiveness is the false outward appearance of cooperation designed to keep the peace while inwardly disagreeing and resisting.  We resort to it for one of two reasons.

1. Because it allows us to appear cooperative, agreeable and helpful, we want to look good. Out of pride.
2. We fear the consequences if there is disagreement. Running away from, because of the fear of conflict.

This avoidance tactic is the cause of a lot of unresolved pain in relationships and has the opposite effect of bringing people together. When people are acting passive aggressive, they will smile and make nice but there’s no way of knowing what they think. There can be no true “knowing” because no one’s sharing their real self, the kind of sharing that is the basis of real intimacy. Over time, the cordial and agreeable feelings fade because beneath all that pleasantry simmers conflict, tension and the keeping of distance. Even though this is a cooperative guise, it’s hostile, and it brings division to relationships.

The Witnessing of Passivity / Passive Aggression…

In academics…

The blank stares, the bored body language, the doodling with music playing in earbuds, the fear of speaking up and being wrong, and desire for the status quo. As look out into people’s faces, I see the fear. The fear of being wrong, stepping out of their comfort zone, and the fear of conflict which keeps people from engaging. Passivity is a death sentence to our creativity, and our individual and relational growth. We teach our children to follow instructions and regurgitate information on examinations. We do not cultivate individual thought and encourage abilities to develop a creative process to question the status quo. People then become the sheep, with herd mentality and easily led around by the wolves out of fear.

In the workplace…

Gossiping or talking badly about people behind their backs, “being offended” vs freedom of speech, people who speak up pointing out the challenges are accused of being the problem, sarcasm. When someone feels angry or slighted and is unaware of how to express their feelings in a healthy manner. Passivity signals a slow death to organizations who cannot identify the problem and do not take actions.

In family history…

One parent used anger as a weapon and the other pretended anger didn’t exist. Anger is used to point out hurt and how something needs to change. Much emphasis was put on anger’s unhealthy expression. The person expressing the anger was accused of causing high drama and conflict and being needy. While the other partner being accused of emotionally unavailability, being non-communicative, narcissistic, and self-centered.

It’s clear where some of this passivity comes from. Passivity is convenient, mostly born out of fear. Fear of being wrong, judged, rejected, abandoned, hurting other’s feelings, avoiding dealing with past traumas, failure, over commitment, etc. We want to be fulfilled by our lives, on our own terms, without having to risk or work towards a dream, desire, or direction out of complacency or fear.

Inner Passivity

I am learning about this thing called “inner passivity”. The feelings of being stuck, unsettled, weak, trapped, overwhelmed, and anxious, etc. A lot of times this inner passivity goes unnoticed and unexamined. Continuing to operate this way out of habit and fear. Not responding, or hiding one’s true feelings

I have been able to locate these feelings of passivity in myself over the last few years. My father is in a lockdown memory care unit, my mother cut me off because she doesn’t like some of the things I say, I’m ready to change careers and only have 3 more semesters until I qualify for retirement. I’m still learning to keep my mouth shut in specific environments.

I’ve had some self-awareness about the reasons I have become passive and where I’ve backed off from my own expression in my family and the workplace. I’m not sure this awareness is a way out of passivity because, I think it is serving me at the moment. Maybe one day I might realize this way of being is not serving me.

Guilt and shame are active players in my family history. Both are also culprits of passivity and where the inner critic is given permission to preside as the master of life. The inner critic heaps disapproval and scorn upon the psyche. The body absorbs this self-abuse because, through inner passivity, there is no protection from our negative self-talk.  Our own irrational thinking stemming from a highly negative inner critic can be brutal against our self-esteem and self-worth. Sometimes, we wind up “buying into” the inner critic’s allegations of our faults, failures and may even consider ourselves as broken humans.

Passivity vs Passive Aggression

Looking for some awareness into these two aspects of life, passivity/aggression, has been challenging for me to find. On one hand, humans have aggressively polluted and are destroying the planet, yet most standby passively and watch. We can see where our political leaders are acting unethically, yet half of the population votes them into office for a second and third term.

The aggression I am talking about can also be a positive one. As in making things happen in the workplace or on the sports field. However, passive aggression does have a negative side producing reactions like anger and resentment. I need to be expressive with my sentiments, but how to do it appropriately? A banking system that makes the rich richer. The mass media – marketing and propaganda where we don’t know the truth? How the pharmaceutical companies keep us numb and passive … without getting a human response from people that I may be over-reacting?

I admit to feeling powerless and hopeless at times and I realize that comes from a place of fear, insecurity, and self-doubt. It also contributes to my own passivity and wanting to isolate and not engage with people. The feeling of powerlessness and hopelessness are bred from there. It’s in this powerlessness state which I believe makes people decide to buy assault rifles with large ammunition clips vs. a hunting rifle … to experience the sensations of power. As misplaced as it might be.

Passive Aggression in Relationship

I’m mostly curious about the dynamic of passivity/aggression when it comes to relationships. One person aggressively confronts the passive one who avoids and fears confrontation. When the passive person remains passive and not showing they are actively receiving and hearing the information, the aggressor can become abusive. Typically, and legally the aggressor is deemed at fault, especially when the aggression becomes physically and emotionally abusive or violent. Psychologically speaking, both parties are at fault and contribute to suffering and chaos, one in reactive aggression, the other through compulsive passivity.

Where I stand…

I am so familiar with this dynamic, I am highly sensitive to it when I see it and try to avoid it at all costs because I have a hard time trusting that dynamic. Those people who are unaware of the passivity in themselves scare me. I have a hard time trusting people who are passive… people pleasing, avoiding conflict, burying and unexpressed emotions. It’s terribly difficult for me to trust people who aren’t honest about expressing their feelings and emotions up front, and in turn, sabotage and undermine the other person instead. Their self-interest is always at the others expense.

 

I see passivity as a survival and coping mechanism and not a healthy way of being. A byproduct of a general unwillingness to take risks to speak feelings, desires, and our truth… all out of fear. Building trust means finding a way to be expressive and dealing with the each other’s feelings as they show up.

Being able to find and access our inner power

Developing more awareness of ourselves is an integral part in our personal growth. Finding access to what we know deep inside is appropriate communication and behavior. Establishing loving boundaries, behaviors, and expressions brings internal peace and in relationships. When communicating our truth, tension is unavoidable. However, dealing with differences directly is the only way to resolve things in a way that honors our relationships in the long run. By taking the risk and entering into short-term tension can lead to long-term depth of connection.

If you just want that absence of conflict in the moment and don’t want to take the risk, then passive aggressiveness will serve well. Avoiding the moments of tension by saying what others want to hear. However, in the long run, you will sacrifice the depth of connection and intimacy in relationship because you won’t be willing or able to really expose what you think. In the end, the relationship won’t there anymore.

We want to get to the point of catching ourselves in the act… of inappropriate aggression or over the top passivity. Understanding our own personal history and dynamics of the situation will make us more attentive to resolve conflict. Helping to develop our ability to make kinder choices and better decisions for ourselves, others, the workplace, and our relationships.

After all, isn’t it all about working through conflictual situations, demonstrating that we can love well, with the ultimate goal of sharing our happiness with each other and the world?