Blog Full - Maurice Leavitt | Personal Essays, Travel Writing & Reflections

6 Aug 2023

Trust, Loyalty & Relationships

by Maurice | posted in: Adventure, Personal Growth, Psychology, Relationship, Travel | 0

Life continues to be a learning experience throughout my journey through Thailand. Staying in Northern Thailand for months has taught me a lot and reminded me of some of the basics. Developing trust and loyalty in relationships, whether it’s in business, work, friendship, or love takes time to establish. It doesn’t happen overnight.

There is an established relationship style I wrote about called the “transactional relationship”. This relationship style is predominant here in Thailand. Especially with the quantity of expats and foreigners living here. It is not uncommon for tourists and foreigners to be taken advantage of. But when something happens that is unkind, or bad business practice, what is the recourse, if any, for the people?

Defamation

There is much slander and defamation happening on a verbal level. You can find some reviews in google maps but, not much that you can find online or in social media. There are strict laws here about defamation here in Thailand and you just don’t hear people talking bad things about each other, or businesses, even if they earned those words.

One thing I noticed is there is no such thing as yelp.com here in Thailand. There are strict defamation laws that are in place with severe penalty when someone defames, insults, or threatens the king. I’ve encountered some problems while doing business. People are not apt to even apologize for any error that they may be responsible for.

This is very different than what I experience in Amerikkkah. Every time I check out social media, people are insulting each other, angry about being offended, and criticizing businesses because they didn’t get what they wanted.

Trust / Loyalty

Whether in business or personal relationship, it takes time to establish trust and loyalty to each other. By demonstrating, over time, that we can “walk the talk”, practice what we preach and do what we say. When we have been treated badly, lied to, betrayed many times, developing trust and loyalty can be a difficult thing to establish between people.

What are people’s intentions in business or relationship? Is immediately making money the most important part of the transaction? Or are people’s forward thinking an important part of the process by establishing an ongoing relationship for referrals and growth?

One metaphor I came across is how the trust piggy bank is fed over time. This helps bring out the best in each other and demonstrating that the priority is with the people and not in the exchange or transaction. Establishing reassurance and hope in each other. Unfortunately, that piggy bank which has been built over time can quickly be destroyed by being deceitful, a quick lie, or betrayal. Years of trust building can be wiped out in a moment.

Some Frustration

My lack of patience, knowledge, experience all lends to some of frustration I experience. The human experience and the ego also lend its hand to some of my frustrations. Not to mention our family and relationship history. Wanting things to happen quickly and easily because I “deserve” it, I realize is an entitlement based out of ego.

Whether I am given a motorbike that is in disrepair when I rent it. Make a mistake by purchasing some vegetable without much of my own discernment. Or open myself up to a new friendship or relationship and not think that there will be conflict or even potential dissolution of the connection altogether due to incompatibility or personal differences.

Starting all over again and not having my friends and support system readily available makes some of this adventure difficult. I know I’ve been the black sheep in my family, am outspoken with my criticism… some days it feels like a lonely road. I am not looking for pity or sympathy, only mentioning the reality of the situation.

Trusting the process

I am reminded that I need to trust the process. Maybe even more so here in Thailand. Where building trust in relationships is even more important because of the nature of the transactional culture here and the devastation people have experienced of being hurt by poverty, love and sex.

In as much as I would like to blink my eyes and have some wonderfully established friendships, a wonderful primary care physician, settled into a home with a few creature comforts… all of this will take some time. Cultivating more patience, having my own clear intentions, and trusting the process of it all is a good reminder to attain some of these goals.

2 Aug 2023

Wherever You Go… There You Are – The Practice is the Same

by Maurice | posted in: Adventure, Family, Personal Growth, Psychology, Spiritual, The Human Condition, Travel | 0

I have gotten used to traveling by the seat of my pants. With little itinerary and only a couple weeks planned out. It gives me a chance to settle into a place and go with the flow and follow anything that the universe might put in front of me. I don’t particularly like to have every moment planned of every day even though I do appreciate some structure. Just not someone else’s imposed structure. I’ve never done well with organized tours or cruises that last for days. Yet, I do see some benefit in them at times.

While I’ve been in Chiang Mai, I’ve had opportunities to see a cacao farm, mushroom farm, get a cooking lesson from one of the grandmothers, get a tour of the ministry of education in Bangkok and travel to the Golden Triangle with a new friend. These things would never have happened if I had a heavily structured itinerary.

Yet, without the structured itinerary, life can get mundane, boring, and sitting with oneself has us turn inside to look at ourselves, our lives… all the joys and the struggles.

The Struggle

Life will always bring some sort of hardship, challenge, and suffering. Career life will have its challenges in dealing with people and having a common goal. There will be conflicts in relationships and family life. Negotiation and compromise in daily life will bring satisfaction and frustration.

It’s been a great learning experience to live in Thailand all summer. To stay put in one place for 6-8 weeks and be able to learn the culture from an insider perspective. There is a vast difference in economy of scale between USA and Thailand, and some of the Thailand culture takes advantage of that with the foreigners. Both in relationships and in business transactions. I can see the similarities that are in my country as well.

The struggles are the same wherever we go. Some people are more interested in money and materialism. While others are interested in connection and love. Both are an important part of our capitalist world. Except, we cannot take our money and things with us when we die. It’s only the legacy of service to humanity and the love we leave behind.

The Internal Critic & Its Projections

There has been some programming that has been passed down in my family for generations. The programming has showed up in my family as shame and embarrassment via an internal critic. Because others thought they had the right ways and the right answers about how someone should live their lives. Expressed them and shamed others when they did not live up to those standards.

My grandmother didn’t think a woman could love another woman and instilled that perspective onto her children. Creating shame when one of her children asked about being a lesbian. While a friend of my grandmothers of the same age, was an open lesbian.

This kind of programming was passed down into me. I loved cooking as a child and wanted to become a chef, but that kind of career wasn’t particularly acceptable with my family. My family burnt bridges in relationships, and I was taught to be loyal to the family even when the conflicts had nothing to do with me. I continually fought against the status quo in my family.

All this instilled an internal critic inside of me that has wreaked havoc on some of the choices I made for myself and on my relationships. Accepting ambivalence has not been a strong point. I’ve usually had clear direction for myself in life. When I didn’t, it was difficult for me to sit in the unknown.

This internal critic also makes it projections onto others and into the world. It’s the same way I obtained the critic from my family growing up. By others criticizing my thoughts and decisions in life, I have the programming to also do the same. Some members of my family denied what was going on and developed their own way of coping with the criticism.

The critic continues to hit me hard in life because I have an inquisitive soul and my curiosity is repeatedly squashed. I didn’t let that hinder my dreams and goals in life. And the internal critic makes a showing every now and again. Wherever I am in the world.

Remaining Open, The Practice – Freedom in Structure

Maybe it’s being a quadruple Virgo? Maybe it’s because I’m a full-time student of life? Maybe it’s because I don’t enjoy the emotion of boredom? Maybe it’s because I like learning new things? Regardless of my understanding “why” I am the way I am. I know I experience freedom in structure. From the structure of teaching in a semesters time at the college. To the proven procedures of growing mushrooms and making soap. These are examples of some of the structures I can thrive in.

I am a supporter and advocate of the theory that life is a practice. To keep a daily practice is an important part of life. Whether its meditation, walking, exercise, writing, yoga, breath-work, stretching, weightlifting, and many other things. Keeping a daily practice has been an important part of my life. Helping keep a peaceful existence in the midst of life’s craziness. I also encourage my students in developing their own daily practice.

The practice is the same for everyone. Finding the guiding light of peace of mind through some sort of daily practice for the body and soul.

May we all find the practices that bring the peace of mind we all look for.

8 Jul 2023

The Transactional Relationship

by Maurice | posted in: Adventure, Relationship, The Human Condition, Travel | 0

There has been something I have been noticing in my journey through Thailand once again. I am being reminded of the 3 stages of relationship that I learned from David Deida. The retreats I have attended by him and that he writes in his book “Intimate Communion” are alive and active in my mind during this time.

I am remembering the time I spent months in India and Nepal. Where I chose “home-stays” to rest my head at night, versus hotels or hostels or my own apartment rentals. It was very pleasurable for me to stay with these families, share meals and learn what lives were like in another culture and country. After my time in India and Nepal I went to Thailand. Things were very different in Thailand, and I had to wrap my mind around it.

A Little History…

Thailand has been one of the few, if not the only, countries that was never occupied by a western foreign power. Thailand has remained politically neutral for the most part. Not taking sides or being involved in conflicts and wars in the region. Thailand has been a place of respite for many soldiers and people from all over the world. Tourism had contributed about 60% of Thailand’s gross domestic product for a long time.

When I arrived in Thailand, there were very few “home-stays” I could find. I could rent a room in someone’s home but, they were typically not around and not a meal to be shared. Traveling alone, I was getting used to India and Nepal’s home-stays and the social aspect it provided for me. Thailand became a very different adventure for me and continues to do the same almost 5 years later.

This Time Around…

As I make my way around Thailand this time around, I am choosing to look through different eyes, as I may have mentioned in a previous writing. Through the eyes of retirement and finding a place to live. Despite some of the bureaucratic hoopla that Thailand immigration makes people jump through for retirement visas, Thailand feels like a place a lot easier to live life.

As a highly social creature that I am, finding and making connections is an important part of what I am trying to do. Due to the fact I am a white skinned, middle-aged foreigner (farang), many people look at me with dollar signs in their eyes. Because I am a foreigner from the west, the US dollar goes very far in S.E. Asian countries and people want to take advantage of that.

For instance… after arriving to a new place, either a train or bus station or airport I check the taxi apps on my phone, Uber, Bolt, Grab, etc. to find the going rate to get to my accommodation. Because I know the taxi drivers will try to take advantage of the arriving foreigners. After I know what the going rates are, the taxi drivers come soliciting. They moan and groan as they make up that my accommodation is a long distance away of about 15 minutes and then offer me a price three times the going rate on the apps. I look at them sideways so they can see I know what they are trying to do. I don’t appreciate the people trying to take advantage of me as a foreigner. And yet I know they are also trying to make a living as well.

Stage Two Relationship – The Transactional Relationship

From the egoic, self-centered and co-dependent “stage one” of relationship. To the transactional relationship of “stage two” where fairness and equal expectations is the main focus to give and get (love). And the “third stage” where attachment to outcomes is no longer. In stage three we choose to practice love even when we feel hurt, and with no expectation of being loved back, the most difficult stage to reach.

Let’s do our best to leave our judgment aside for this one at the moment.

We live in a capitalist and consumerist world where the exchange of money for goods and services is all about stage two of relationship. Where clear exchanges, equal expectations and fairness is important. Where negotiating the “deal”, I’ll give you this if you give me that, takes center stage. Getting the most, for giving the least.

A transactional relationship is one that is based on reciprocity and needs. In a transactional relationship, both parties expect to receive something in return for their investment. These relationships are not based on the idea that you should give without expecting anything in return.

Transactional Relationship Examples

I am seeing this transactional relationship in many forms while I am in Thailand. Not only from the business and economic side. But from the relational side as well. From taxis, hotels, the many variations of massage, and sex services. If I want to go visit certain temples, as a foreigner I need to pay a fee while the locals do not. Can you imagine going to the Grand Canyon and only Americans get in free and all the tourists have to pay?

I have heard stories of older foreigner men coming to Thailand in search for a young lady to marry. These men pay a large sum of money as a dowry to the family for them to relinquish their virgin daughter for marriage. This does not include monthly payments to the family for normal living expenses. The older foreigner men are adopting the family in exchange for the young woman he gets to marry. It gets the family out of poverty, and it gets the older foreigner man a young wife to care for him the rest of his life.

Something similar happens in the sex worker trade. Young girls from impoverished villages make a secret decision to come to Bangkok and sell their bodies. Sometimes the family encourages them to go as well. A decision not taken lightly in a society where the culture puts value on women’s virginity for marriage.

The Flow of Life? Unconditional Love?

There is so much at work here when it comes to the transactional relationship. Personal beliefs, cultural values, ethics, and morals all come into play when it comes to this wide span of transactional relationship examples above. What is right and what is wrong? It’s upsetting when I realize I am being taken advantage of due to my skin color. I can get embarrassed when I see a 30-to-40-year age gap between a white skinned foreigner and a young Thai woman. And I also realize the embarrassment is my own judgment because of my upbringing because it is completely acceptable here.

When we are not paying attention to one another’s efforts we are focused on the outcome and expected results. It’s a place where feelings come second to the results. It doesn’t matter if the other offers empathy or compassion, or make efforts to make each other a better person, or gives you a sweet surprise. You’re not in your partnership for that, to only be result oriented.

There are benefits for being in a transactional relationship… trust, equality, give and take, and more legally secure. When it comes to doing business there will always be a give and take. We are still building trust in relationship regardless of its style. It isn’t always about getting the best deal or the upper hand. As with everything in life… there are also dark sides or disadvantages.

Growing Together

An intimate relationship is all about growing together which opposes transactional relationships. With set agreements and responsibilities life gets dull and monotonous. The focus on the end goal brings much competition for who is the best. It’s inevitable that we change, and we need to learn to adapt and work together, for the sake of love and not out of selfishness.

Sharing of love, kindness, empathy, consolation, affection, and positive emotions are the core of relationships. In a transactional relationship everything becomes conditional. Often the transactional relationships lack emotional connections which can make them feel unfulfilling. The sharing of affections and positive feelings are essential for human survival. We can’t survive in a relationship without love, care, and kindness. Being able to flow with the unfolding of life is the skill to learn beyond the transaction.

The antidote to fear…. is affection!

26 Jun 2023

‘Trep

by Maurice | posted in: Adventure, Psychology, Relationship, The Human Condition | 0

”Trep – Definition: An abbreviation for “entrepreneur” that,
for reasons obvious,
has mainly been embraced by slang-obsessed teenagers and Netspeak devotees.

The markets in Asia have continually grabbed my interest and fascination. Maybe because there is such a lack of them where I grew up. There were flea markets and farmers markets that made their appearance during the week in Amerikkkah. But no ongoing daily and nightly markets with clothing, food stalls, artist installations, live music, and all the chachkas made in China that you can imagine. And these markets are all over the place in Thailand.

It was dinnertime. I am staying in a part of Chiang Mai where you can get “craft” beer for the same price they sell it at home. You can also get an all you can eat shabu feast or a meat buffet for $25. Compare that with genuine Northern Thailand food where you can get the tastiest meal for about $2. I don’t know why anyone would come here for a “western” food experience. Sure, you can find some of the westernized culinary artistry found in bakeries and pizza to satisfy the craving from home. It’s just not the experience I want, nor would I encourage.

Lang Mor Night Market, Chiangmai University

I got curious where the students were hanging out after school and headed to this evening to get something to eat. First, I walk the entire market to see what is available, what’s the most popular by the queue, and what makes my mouth water. The Japanese sukiyaki stall had a waiting station in the street. The battered and fried potatoes also had a good line to wait.

Of course, the health inspector and germaphobe in me get activated. I look at all the raw meat and large quantities of prepared foods sitting out in 90f temperatures and cringe sometimes. Then I realize the fear-based nature of my country, and this is the way they have been doing it for so many years. There are cooks everywhere trying to recoup their cost by selling bad and spoiled product all over the world.

You can eat some of the best food like a king/queen for under $4.

The Walk Home…

I’m a walker and a talker. I took a different way home. With my eyes wide open. Watching every footstep on the broken concrete tiles, uneven sidewalks, and high curbs. Poking my head into some of the brick-and-mortar shops along the way to see how they might compete with the night market nearby.

Then I came across a hamburger shop. With scrunchy eyebrows I peered in. Wondering where the tables were and assuming they were in the back somewhere. Uh, no. It was this eight-foot wide by 12-foot-long storefront. With one induction cooktop and a series of traditional hamburger condiments on the table.

สวัสดี ค่ะ – sa wàt dii kʰâ

A Thai language “good evening” greeting. Coming from the young lady running the shop as I am carrying bags of food back to my apartment. I was still a little confused about what was going on in that shop of hers. She was well spoken in English, and I asked her what she was selling. “Hamburgers”, she said, “for 49 Bhat”. If you want chili sauce it will be 65. But no place to sit, only take away.

We were a little ways away from the big Lang Mor Night Market. I asked her how she can compete with that big night market selling all that food every day 17:00 -22:00p. She said she is only open Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, because she just graduated from the university and has a job as a teaching assistant. I was amazed at this young lady and her ‘trep spirit.

I thought about what it would take for someone who wanted to sell simple food items in Amerikkkah. All the hoops the government has the people jump through makes it so prohibitive. Even to sell simple items like a hamburger or even lemonade. like we all did as children from the street corner. But in Thailand, where life is simpler in this regard, you can sell anything on the street. You probably will have to pay off the police, so they look past you as there is much corruption in law enforcement. That seems to be a common occurrence.

One More To Consider…

When I arrive to a new place, I like to walk around the neighborhood to get used to my surroundings and see what’s out there. There was this woman I came across a few times in the same spot. She was selling these homemade bite sized egg tarts with a visible flakey pastry, topped with foi thong, or egg threads. The egg threads looked like cheese. She was selling them, 4 for 10 Bhat, or $0.30. Luckily there was a customer there to show me this video to educate me about foi thong.

This woman on the street corner in front of the Lotus Supermarket was very vibrant and was super friendly. She was smiling all the time and drew me right in. It was the end of the day, and she was now selling the pastries for 6 Bhat or $0.20. I asked her if she makes other things, but this was the only one. Considerately, I stepped aside as she was actively trying to sell out the remaining tarts she had, while other potential customers came to look.

I really didn’t want these things, but I wanted to try the foi thong, I decided I would purchase a couple of them and give her 20 Bhat. More than double of what she was originally asking for because she was so vibrant and friendly. She also took the time to educate me about what she was selling.

She packed up a bag for me and then asked for 10 Bhat, her original price. It made me sad because it was so opportunistic. I had watched her trying to sell for 6 Bhat, but because of the color of my skin and being a foreigner (farang), she thought she could get more money out of me. Even though the additional few cents wouldn’t be all that much to me and would mean so much more to her, it was the principle that made me sad. I did not change my mind at all in what I wanted to do. I called her out on her actions, she reduced her price, and I gave her the 20 Bhat anyway.

The moral of the story here is that the ‘trep spirit is alive and well here in Thailand. People are trying to make a living. And we are all trying to get the best fair price, supporting each other, while not being taken advantage of.

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