Passivity & Passive Aggression

Passive Aggression = Avoidance of Conflict

Why can’t we just say what we mean, ask for what we want and be honest when we don’t want something?

Passive aggressiveness is the false outward appearance of cooperation designed to keep the peace while inwardly disagreeing and resisting.  We resort to it for one of two reasons.

  1. Because it allows us to appear cooperative, agreeable and helpful, we want to look good. Out of pride.
  2. We fear the consequences if there is disagreement. Running away from, because of the fear of conflict.

This avoidance tactic is the cause of a lot of unresolved pain in relationships and has the opposite effect of bringing people together. When people are acting passive aggressive, they will smile and make nice but there’s no way of knowing what they think. There can be no true “knowing” because no one’s sharing their real self, the kind of sharing that is the basis of real intimacy. Over time, the cordial and agreeable feelings fade because beneath all that pleasantry simmers conflict, tension and the keeping of distance. Even though this is a cooperative guise, it’s hostile, and it brings division to relationships.

The Witnessing of Passivity / Passive Aggression…

In academics…

The blank stares, the bored body language, the doodling with music playing in earbuds, the fear of speaking up and being wrong, and desire for the status quo. As look out into people’s faces, I see the fear. The fear of being wrong, stepping out of their comfort zone, and the fear of conflict which keeps people from engaging. Passivity is a death sentence to our creativity, and our individual and relational growth. We teach our children to follow instructions and regurgitate information on examinations. We do not cultivate individual thought and encourage abilities to develop a creative process to question the status quo. People then become the sheep, with herd mentality and easily led around by the wolves out of fear.

In the workplace…

Gossiping or talking badly about people behind their backs, “being offended” vs freedom of speech, people who speak up pointing out the challenges are accused of being the problem, sarcasm. When someone feels angry or slighted and is unaware of how to express their feelings in a healthy manner. Passivity signals a slow death to organizations who cannot identify the problem and do not take actions.

In family history…

One parent used anger as a weapon and the other pretended anger didn’t exist. Anger is used to point out hurt and how something needs to change. Much emphasis was put on anger’s unhealthy expression. The person expressing the anger was accused of causing high drama and conflict and being needy. While the other partner being accused of emotionally unavailability, being non-communicative, narcissistic, and self-centered.

It’s clear where some of this passivity comes from. Passivity is convenient, mostly born out of fear. Fear of being wrong, judged, rejected, abandoned, hurting other’s feelings, avoiding dealing with past traumas, failure, over commitment, etc. We want to be fulfilled by our lives, on our own terms, without having to risk or work towards a dream, desire, or direction out of complacency or fear.

Inner Passivity

I am learning about this thing called “inner passivity”. The feelings of being stuck, unsettled, weak, trapped, overwhelmed, and anxious, etc. A lot of times this inner passivity goes unnoticed and unexamined. Continuing to operate this way out of habit and fear. Not responding, or hiding one’s true feelings

I have been able to locate these feelings of passivity in myself over the last few years. My father is in a lockdown memory care unit, my mother cut me off because she doesn’t like some of the things I say, I’m ready to change careers and only have 3 more semesters until I qualify for retirement. I’m still learning to keep my mouth shut in specific environments.

I’ve had some self-awareness about the reasons I have become passive and where I’ve backed off from my own expression in my family and the workplace. I’m not sure this awareness is a way out of passivity because, I think it is serving me at the moment. Maybe one day I might realize this way of being is not serving me.

Guilt and shame are active players in my family history. Both are also culprits of passivity and where the inner critic is given permission to preside as the master of life. The inner critic heaps disapproval and scorn upon the psyche. The body absorbs this self-abuse because, through inner passivity, there is no protection from our negative self-talk.  Our own irrational thinking stemming from a highly negative inner critic can be brutal against our self-esteem and self-worth. Sometimes, we wind up “buying into” the inner critic’s allegations of our faults, failures and may even consider ourselves as broken humans.

Passivity vs Passive Aggression

Looking for some awareness into these two aspects of life, passivity/aggression, has been challenging for me to find. On one hand, humans have aggressively polluted and are destroying the planet, yet most standby passively and watch. We can see where our political leaders are acting unethically, yet half of the population votes them into office for a second and third term.

The aggression I am talking about can also be a positive one. As in making things happen in the workplace or on the sports field. However, passive aggression does have a negative side producing reactions like anger and resentment. I need to be expressive with my sentiments, but how to do it appropriately? A banking system that makes the rich richer. The mass media – marketing and propaganda where we don’t know the truth? How the pharmaceutical companies keep us numb and passive … without getting a human response from people that I may be over-reacting?

I admit to feeling powerless and hopeless at times and I realize that comes from a place of fear, insecurity, and self-doubt. It also contributes to my own passivity and wanting to isolate and not engage with people. The feeling of powerlessness and hopelessness are bred from there. It’s in this powerlessness state which I believe makes people decide to buy assault rifles with large ammunition clips vs. a hunting rifle … to experience the sensations of power. As misplaced as it might be.

Passive Aggression in Relationship

I’m mostly curious about the dynamic of passivity/aggression when it comes to relationships. One person aggressively confronts the passive one who avoids and fears confrontation. When the passive person remains passive and not showing they are actively receiving and hearing the information, the aggressor can become abusive. Typically, and legally the aggressor is deemed at fault, especially when the aggression becomes physically and emotionally abusive or violent. Psychologically speaking, both parties are at fault and contribute to suffering and chaos, one in reactive aggression, the other through compulsive passivity.

Passive aggression does not lead to solutionsWhere I stand…

I am so familiar with this dynamic, I am highly sensitive to it when I see it and try to avoid it at all costs because I have a hard time trusting that dynamic. Those people who are unaware of the passivity in themselves scare me. I have a hard time trusting people who are passive… people pleasing, avoiding conflict, burying and unexpressed emotions. It’s terribly difficult for me to trust people who aren’t honest about expressing their feelings and emotions up front, and in turn, sabotage and undermine the other person instead. Their self-interest is always at the others expense.

 

I see passivity as a survival and coping mechanism and not a healthy way of being. A byproduct of a general unwillingness to take risks to speak feelings, desires, and our truth… all out of fear. Building trust means finding a way to be expressive and dealing with the each other’s feelings as they show up.

Being able to find and access our inner power

Developing more awareness of ourselves is an integral part in our personal growth. Finding access to what we know deep inside is appropriate communication and behavior. Establishing loving boundaries, behaviors, and expressions brings internal peace and in relationships. When communicating our truth, tension is unavoidable. However, dealing with differences directly is the only way to resolve things in a way that honors our relationships in the long run. By taking the risk and entering into short-term tension can lead to long-term depth of connection.

If you just want that absence of conflict in the moment and don’t want to take the risk, then passive aggressiveness will serve well. Avoiding the moments of tension by saying what others want to hear. However, in the long run, you will sacrifice the depth of connection and intimacy in relationship because you won’t be willing or able to really expose what you think. In the end, the relationship won’t there anymore.

We want to get to the point of catching ourselves in the act… of inappropriate aggression or over the top passivity. Understanding our own personal history and dynamics of the situation will make us more attentive to resolve conflict. Helping to develop our ability to make kinder choices and better decisions for ourselves, others, the workplace, and our relationships.

After all, isn’t it all about working through conflictual situations, demonstrating that we can love well, with the ultimate goal of sharing our happiness with each other and the world?

Self-Deception & The Unmasking

Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism by Chogyam Trungpa
Inspired by this book

The “Do Me” Culture

America is the leader of materialism and consumerism in the world. This materialism has brought forth the “do me” culture. I pay you and you “do me”. If I pay a spiritual teacher, a retreat center, a therapist, I expect they will fix my problems. I can buy joy, happiness and maybe even enlightenment. It’s just like hiring a plumber or contractor to fix your house. I pay, and I expect they will do what we agreed upon. It’s the reason I sought out certain teachers. There was some personal dharma in their philosophies I could relate to and would take me into “higher” realms of consciousness. Where I could be released from the negativities and traumas of my past, and finally be happy. Just like what is on TV, in social media and demonstrated by people who are all about joy and happiness. I was hungry for something more, another way to look and deal with the situations in my life.

Was I wrong in that thinking. Even though I would find some amazing opening, a spiritual teaching, a meditation practice technique, or another way to look at life. I would make my way back into real life and be faced, once again, with my own crazy thoughts and issues that never went away. It didn’t matter that I paid good money to go to a retreat center or study with a spiritual teacher. I was still faced with “what is” and didn’t wasn’t sure how to contend with my feelings and emotions that came along with a particular situation.

I realized I was deceiving myself. Believing these excursions of mine would bring an end all be all cure from suffering, to enter a permanent state of illumination and be given a full-time peaceful existence for the rest of my life. (HA, it’s even funny for me reading that.) The knowledge obtained from these teachers I’ve studied with, the dharma from some of the great traditions I studied is important but, not the entire game. We cannot truly be peaceful until we have the peace inside of us. This only comes with practice and meditation is the foundation.

After a 10-year consistent meditation and yoga practice, I stopped. I didn’t pick it back up until recently. There was a 3+ year gap. I didn’t see it helping anymore and gave it up. It turns out, when I thought it wasn’t helping, that was the time for me to deepen into the practice. Now that I am back practicing and sitting again, I can see more of the reason why it’s truly important. It’s up to me to be the practice and I cannot expect any spiritual friend, guru, dogmatic or dharmic teaching to bring me the peace I am looking for. Using my everyday problems and creating the feelings of openness, as I felt during some of these experiences of my searching. To go from feelings of claustrophobia to spaciousness in dealing with everyday life.

The Illusion of Bliss & Living the Dream

There were many openings within myself I have experienced from participating in a workshop/retreat, studying with a spiritual teacher, and even in meditation. The perceived problem I had was that these openings never really lasted all that long when I expected they should. The bliss, happiness and as some people say, “Living the Dream” didn’t last all that long. As I made my way back into my life from my adventures, retreats, etc., my problems were still there waiting for me to return. In time, I entered a familiar mindset of contending with emotions and having judgement about the past and projecting into my future. It was as if I didn’t learn anything at all and was stuck on a merry go round repeating the same things once again.

What was my seeking? Was I searching for joy and bliss? Striving for my own personal desires and happiness? I was somehow living in the dream world by picking and choosing the situations I wanted to deal with. I wasn’t actually “living the dream” I thought I was but, I certainly was living in my own self-deception. Failure, suffering, and depression was waiting for me right around the corner after all these temporary feelings of openness wore off and I was faced with the regular situations and struggles in my life.

For a while, I was buying into the concepts of “living your bliss”, “choosing happiness”, “the power of positive thinking”, and others. There is nothing bad about those philosophies. However, in most cases, these are spiritual bypasses, by not having to deal with what would be deemed as “negative” emotions and the normal life situations that are right in front of us. Suffering and pain is considered bad and rejected and pleasure is considered good and associated with bliss. The concept of bliss is open space and we cannot access that open space until we are present in the now and facing current life’s situations. Both pleasure and pain.

Decency QuoteThe Unmasking

Over the course of life, we put on many false conceptual layers or shells of self-identity. “I am” a teacher, restauranteur, farmer, musician, real estate mogul, spiritual seeker, somatic sexologician, the caste/class system we are born into, how much (or little) money and materialistic items we have accumulated, and so many more terms to be used for how to identify who I am. But, really, I just am. I am just like everyone else is and do what everyone else does, experiencing life’s trials and tribulations.

The choice lies in the realization of these false shells and our willingness to remove them. To remove all these ways we identify ourselves, to be as vulnerable as we possibly can be. As if we are standing naked in front of the world without all those protection mechanisms that feed the ego’s self-aggrandizement. This is the necessary unmasking. To stand alone. Not having a philosophical or intellectual understanding of some situation. Not intentionally creating a painful situation for ourselves but, to feel the heart of situations properly, to experience them ourselves.

I recall being at a retreat in front of 20+ people shortly after my wife walked out and professing my brokenness. I wanted to become more aware of the neurosis in my mind and the negative aspects of myself. I knew this was the only way to find the open space I was searching for. Scared to death, I stood in front of the room, shaking from fear as I talked about all my problems and my life’s journey that led me to this point. I also recall being in complete fear when I decided I needed to do a strip tease act and get naked in front of 50 people at a different retreat. To be completely exposed, vulnerable. I spent 18 years in men’s support circles, with a spiritual leader, trying to be as vulnerable with my truth and my feelings as I possibly could be. This is the unmasking I am talking about. To be who we are. I had great guidance from spiritual teachers.

Today, as I write this, I am living in the middle some of the most troubling and tumultuous time in my entire life. My broken family, the soon completion of a 25-year college teaching career, my social life, and my outlook towards this country I live. I am thankful I have been in the “do me” part of my spiritual exploration, have experienced the temporary bliss from opening with a spiritual teacher, and have some practice in being open and vulnerable in my unmasking. I have dropped my known self-soothing mechanisms. I’m on the cushion and into nature everyday. Because I know that is the path to my peace and bliss… to be living with what is, being with the feelings I have for situations, and facing into the situations of everyday life. Patient and with eyes wide open.

 

My Intentions in the Release of Facebook

 

facebook, no thanksI remember the day I signed up for Facebook (Fakebook/FB). My wife had just walked out on me, abandoning our marriage and I was in the airport about to go to Colorado to visit my family for some solace. Something felt to me like the Fakebook was a way to feel connected to people. I embraced its use for a long while. Both, for a genuine use of staying connected to certain circles I belong to and a way to stay in touch with people who were at far distances. As I’m sure others have experienced, FB also has its moments of promoting untruths, being a time sucker while draining some life out of me. My choice had been to stay up until this point. Times have changed. And I need to make my own intentional changes happen. The Fakebook needs to go!

Can there be a threat to humanity in the use of social media? Does the use of social media alter peoples’ behavior? Creating corruption and misinformation to promote certain personality types as acceptable? Just look at what happened with Kanye West, Trump and now Elon Musk. When will it be possible, once again, to participate in a collaborative and cooperative environment? To have communication happen in an honest and straightforward way? I don’t have the answers to these questions but, my need to remove myself from social media must happen.

In all this time since being connected with FB I have done a lot in my life … retreat centers, workshops, seminars, sabbatical, lots of travel, classes & certifications, job changes, etc. FB has been a platform which allowed people to stay in touch, share pictures and have online chats/video. This is the part I am most ambivalent about. Staying connected with these people from all over the world. Am I just making up a story which says I am staying connected to people through a device rather than something more real? Can you feel my ambivalence in that question?

Ciao FacebookSo much has changed in the last few years, both inside me and the outside world. I had a sabbatical that altered the path my life. My father had a series of strokes that directed the course of his life’s. My family completely fell apart from reasons of addiction, deceit, and betrayal. The job I had for over two decades was altered from within the organization, which I voluntarily accepted. A worldwide pandemic. Political division in the country I was born in which I no longer feel a part of. Losing friends who were unable to flow with me. With all these changes, I continued to lean on FB. After many years, I realized I was in an illusory relationship with social media, Facebook primarily. For some reason Instagram seems more tame and less tumultuous. It’s time to walk away from the Fakebook.

What’s next?

It’s what I am asking myself. Many years ago, I decided I was going write and began journaling and blogging … no matter how painful, which writing still is sometimes for this math/science mind of mine. When I am traveling it was amazing how much time I had time to write, more time than I imagined. Life is way simpler when I am traveling, and I want more of that in my everyday life. It’s time to do that now! It’s time to make that happen! Yet, something must be different. My intentions need to be the driving force. What are they going to be, Maurice?

Moving forward, my intentions are going to be (subject to change):

• Make some changes on www.mauriceleavitt.com that moves away from any attachment to how I may identify myself … chef-ing images need be balanced out with other images that represent my life a little bit better.

• Use Instagram to share some minor photos of day to day stuff, finding the humor in some of the reels like tavin_dillard, and use my website for writing.

• Stop watching video news media. Deciphering what is real and truthful news and what spin the media wants people to believe is difficult these days. It’s best just to stay away from it. I will read a few articles in the newspapers but, that’s about it.

• My writing needs to demonstrate…

  • Openness to life, vulnerable expressions, being who I am, presenting both my positive and negative qualities, the light and dark, all which exists in ourselves and the world
  • Letting go of grasping to beliefs that brings me reassurance I am ok
  • Write in first person… “I”, “me”, “we”, “us”, “our”, to tell a story from my perspective.
  • Expose hidden faults and self-deceptions I had about myself – as much as I am willing to put out there on the internet. No matter how insane or crazy I feel.
  • Find the open space that brings clarity of mind into my writing

Stay in the loop

I only want what’s real … Real connections to real people who desire to not be hiding behind computers and devices. To follow my photo and writing activities, I suggest signing up for my blog as I will be putting links to more complete photo albums in addition to my writing. I promise not to fill your email box with excessive junk.

Insofar as the Ultimate, or the true nature of being is concerned, there are neither Buddhas nor demons.
He who frees himself from fear and hope, evil and virtue, will realize the insubstantial and groundless nature of confusion.
-Milarepa

 

The Abuse of Power – Bolivar, Colombia

What life is…
fear, rage, desire, and love …
to stop feeling these emotions and to stop wanting to feel them…
Is death.
Take all of these feelings,
and everything that matters to you,
and fight for it!
-Sun Bak, Sense8

 

Discover from your doubt When I travel, I prefer to live with, interact and engage with the locals to really sink into the feeling of what it might be like to have a life like theirs and experience the things they do. I have varying degrees of success in doing that for different reasons. There can be a lot of fear towards foreigners (gringos, falang, etc.), especially in countries that are known for sex tourism and drugs. There is also a suspicion towards western capitalist philosophy, an everyman for themselves mentality. What it all boils down to is a lack of trust building in relationships. There is a primary focus on financial gain, personal gain, and selfishness on both sides of the equation. There are many examples of how humanity and the planet are exploited for profit… the abuse of power continues to be rampant around the world.

As a minimalist, I do not want for much material things in my life. I appreciate the quality of somethings that help keep my body in good condition like shoes, sunglasses and food but, I don’t go out looking to buy jewelry, precious stones or expensive clothing. When I am in places like I am now, Cartagena, Colombia, that can really irritate some of the locals who are looking to make a living on the tourism trade. I also appreciate and enjoy the haggling and bartering so when I am looking at the little things for gifts or reminders of where I have been, I can really beat up the locals to get the best deal.

My preference would be to move to a country where the children in some of the little villages struggle or never be able to get an education. I would feel much better spending my money raising up the impoverished people, so they have a better chance of surviving and not succumbing to the distresses of drug addiction, crime or alcoholism. That is much more important to me than to have a better car or a bigger home and all the material things that bring the illusion of happiness.

David and MauriceI met this kind and gentle man on the beach. He felt his family needed to escape from his country because of the problems millions of Venezuelans are facing today, unable to access basic healthcare, adequate nutrition, limited access to safe water and healthcare… due to the abuse of power by the government. This man is different than any other of the men I met on my travels. What is different about him is that he likes to talk, like I do, and he understands that “doing business” means building relationship and trust between people. I have sat with this man on numerous occasions sharing about ourselves and our life experiences. The things that I have learned from him have only validated some of my thoughts about the situation in the world. A complete abuse of power by people interested only in themselves and personal gain.

Wherever I have been in South America people keep telling me that I need to be careful which areas I walk in, not to use my cell phone in public, keep only a few dollars in my pocket, don’t wear flashy jewelry or fancy clothing… the fear is rampant. There seems to be lots of petty and small crime here like pickpockets, snatching cell phones from people’s hands, muggings at gunpoint etc.. This is partly the result from poverty, wealth inequality and lack of opportunity.

Celebrate DifferencesThere are homeless people living and sleeping on the streets at all hours of the day unlike in USA where the government keeps them hidden from plain sight to hide the real problem plaguing society. I was even tempted to document some of this poverty in pictures but, something told me that would not be a respectful thing to do.

Corporatism has moved into Colombia and many other countries. General Motors, McDonalds, Starbucks, Levi Strauss, Motorola, Canon, too many others to even mention. Here is the problem. The DAILY wage for people here in Colombia is approximately $9 a day. Corporatism moves in, hires people at that rate and big business claims they are helping the local economy and supplying jobs. That is a big illusion they want people to believe. The reality of the situation is extremely different because businesses continue to sell their products at around the same prices you see in USA. With the extremely low labor costs, their profits skyrocket. Where do the profits go? Into the hands of a few at the top of the chain and not back to the local economy or the local people. This reality is putrid to me. If corporatism moves into a place with such low labor costs, they are obligated to treat the people and the community much better than just offering them jobs at the standard rate while their profits increase significantly.

What I am mentioning here in Colombia, is no different than what is happening in AmeriKKKa. The middle class is shrinking, and the majority of people will struggle to make a living. Thomas Piketty, in his book, Capital in the Twenty-First Century, argues that in an economy where the rate of return on capital outstrips the rate of growth, inherited wealth will always grow faster than earned wealth. So, the fact that rich kids can move aimlessly from a gap year between high school/college to an internship to a job at daddy’s bank/ministry/TV network – while the poor kids sweat into their barista uniforms and a second job – is not an accident: it is the system working normally. The working class life is killing Americans.

I know there is no perfect world or a perfect country or a perfect human. I am just tired of witnessing the ongoing abuse of power over people in my own country and around the world; politically, economically, and psychologically.

To Change A ParadigmI wish I had the clean and easy answers to some of these problems. I have given money to the people on the streets, taken people to the supermarket and bought food for their families, purchased things on the street that I wouldn’t normally buy to support people, and offered some of my knowledge to help some move forward with their work. And I still don’t feel I can do enough. I have had this reoccurring thought; I can retire to a country whose values more represent my own personal values and devote myself and all the resources I can to the education of the people.

And so it is.

 

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