There has been something I have been noticing in my journey through Thailand once again. I am being reminded of the 3 stages of relationship that I learned from David Deida. The retreats I have attended by him and that he writes in his book “Intimate Communion” are alive and active in my mind during this time.
I am remembering the time I spent months in India and Nepal. Where I chose “home-stays” to rest my head at night, versus hotels or hostels or my own apartment rentals. It was very pleasurable for me to stay with these families, share meals and learn what lives were like in another culture and country. After my time in India and Nepal I went to Thailand. Things were very different in Thailand, and I had to wrap my mind around it.
A Little History…
Thailand has been one of the few, if not the only, countries that was never occupied by a western foreign power. Thailand has remained politically neutral for the most part. Not taking sides or being involved in conflicts and wars in the region. Thailand has been a place of respite for many soldiers and people from all over the world. Tourism had contributed about 60% of Thailand’s gross domestic product for a long time.
When I arrived in Thailand, there were very few “home-stays” I could find. I could rent a room in someone’s home but, they were typically not around and not a meal to be shared. Traveling alone, I was getting used to India and Nepal’s home-stays and the social aspect it provided for me. Thailand became a very different adventure for me and continues to do the same almost 5 years later.
This Time Around…
As I make my way around Thailand this time around, I am choosing to look through different eyes, as I may have mentioned in a previous writing. Through the eyes of retirement and finding a place to live. Despite some of the bureaucratic hoopla that Thailand immigration makes people jump through for retirement visas, Thailand feels like a place a lot easier to live life.
As a highly social creature that I am, finding and making connections is an important part of what I am trying to do. Due to the fact I am a white skinned, middle-aged foreigner (farang), many people look at me with dollar signs in their eyes. Because I am a foreigner from the west, the US dollar goes very far in S.E. Asian countries and people want to take advantage of that.
For instance… after arriving to a new place, either a train or bus station or airport I check the taxi apps on my phone, Uber, Bolt, Grab, etc. to find the going rate to get to my accommodation. Because I know the taxi drivers will try to take advantage of the arriving foreigners. After I know what the going rates are, the taxi drivers come soliciting. They moan and groan as they make up that my accommodation is a long distance away of about 15 minutes and then offer me a price three times the going rate on the apps. I look at them sideways so they can see I know what they are trying to do. I don’t appreciate the people trying to take advantage of me as a foreigner. And yet I know they are also trying to make a living as well.
Stage Two Relationship – The Transactional Relationship
From the egoic, self-centered and co-dependent “stage one” of relationship. To the transactional relationship of “stage two” where fairness and equal expectations is the main focus to give and get (love). And the “third stage” where attachment to outcomes is no longer. In stage three we choose to practice love even when we feel hurt, and with no expectation of being loved back, the most difficult stage to reach.
Let’s do our best to leave our judgment aside for this one at the moment.
We live in a capitalist and consumerist world where the exchange of money for goods and services is all about stage two of relationship. Where clear exchanges, equal expectations and fairness is important. Where negotiating the “deal”, I’ll give you this if you give me that, takes center stage. Getting the most, for giving the least.
A transactional relationship is one that is based on reciprocity and needs. In a transactional relationship, both parties expect to receive something in return for their investment. These relationships are not based on the idea that you should give without expecting anything in return.
Transactional Relationship Examples
I am seeing this transactional relationship in many forms while I am in Thailand. Not only from the business and economic side. But from the relational side as well. From taxis, hotels, the many variations of massage, and sex services. If I want to go visit certain temples, as a foreigner I need to pay a fee while the locals do not. Can you imagine going to the Grand Canyon and only Americans get in free and all the tourists have to pay?
I have heard stories of older foreigner men coming to Thailand in search for a young lady to marry. These men pay a large sum of money as a dowry to the family for them to relinquish their virgin daughter for marriage. This does not include monthly payments to the family for normal living expenses. The older foreigner men are adopting the family in exchange for the young woman he gets to marry. It gets the family out of poverty, and it gets the older foreigner man a young wife to care for him the rest of his life.
Something similar happens in the sex worker trade. Young girls from impoverished villages make a secret decision to come to Bangkok and sell their bodies. Sometimes the family encourages them to go as well. A decision not taken lightly in a society where the culture puts value on women’s virginity for marriage.
The Flow of Life? Unconditional Love?
There is so much at work here when it comes to the transactional relationship. Personal beliefs, cultural values, ethics, and morals all come into play when it comes to this wide span of transactional relationship examples above. What is right and what is wrong? It’s upsetting when I realize I am being taken advantage of due to my skin color. I can get embarrassed when I see a 30-to-40-year age gap between a white skinned foreigner and a young Thai woman. And I also realize the embarrassment is my own judgment because of my upbringing because it is completely acceptable here.
When we are not paying attention to one another’s efforts we are focused on the outcome and expected results. It’s a place where feelings come second to the results. It doesn’t matter if the other offers empathy or compassion, or make efforts to make each other a better person, or gives you a sweet surprise. You’re not in your partnership for that, to only be result oriented.
There are benefits for being in a transactional relationship… trust, equality, give and take, and more legally secure. When it comes to doing business there will always be a give and take. We are still building trust in relationship regardless of its style. It isn’t always about getting the best deal or the upper hand. As with everything in life… there are also dark sides or disadvantages.
Growing Together
An intimate relationship is all about growing together which opposes transactional relationships. With set agreements and responsibilities life gets dull and monotonous. The focus on the end goal brings much competition for who is the best. It’s inevitable that we change, and we need to learn to adapt and work together, for the sake of love and not out of selfishness.
Sharing of love, kindness, empathy, consolation, affection, and positive emotions are the core of relationships. In a transactional relationship everything becomes conditional. Often the transactional relationships lack emotional connections which can make them feel unfulfilling. The sharing of affections and positive feelings are essential for human survival. We can’t survive in a relationship without love, care, and kindness. Being able to flow with the unfolding of life is the skill to learn beyond the transaction.
The antidote to fear…. is affection!
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